shishnit.org

I spoke to Keith last night.  He’s regularly attending an alternative high school.  He attends for a little over 4 hours every day.  Classes begin at 12 noon each day.  There is no recess, no lunch, just online learning activities driven by actual teaching staff on site.  There are around 300 students there compared to the 3,000 at his previous high school.  They also encourage the kids to success instead of telling them they are wasting the staff’s time, etc.  Pinellas Park is really not the suburban dream some people think.  (pahlease…)

Keith likes his new school. 

This is a huge success.

Keith is following his nightly curfew his father set.

Another step in the right direction.

Keith is not belligerent with me.  He was largely in the past belligerent with his father only.  He’s no longer having that issue with his father either.   He and I had a nice talk.  I told him I was proud of his taking the first initial steps in the right direction.  And I am proud of him.  I do miss him.  I haven’t seen him in almost over a month now.  We will likely change that very soon.

I believe every parent has some regret’s, once they realize things or learn new things etc.  But the relationship that I personally have with my son appears largely intact, he’s doing well, he’s safe now.

I’m relieved.  I’m guarded.  But I really am proud that he learned some lessons while out there trying to be all grown up too soon. 

Sometimes when you make a selfless decision, other’s don’t know all the details of your life, and so all they can see is their slanted viewpoints.  It kills me how people who have young children think they know what will happen when those children become teenagers.  No parent has that crystal ball.  Unfortunately.  I have learned to live in the now.  To take each day as it comes.  For now, Keith is doing quite well.

Keith is attending school regularly again and he is following rules again.  I haven’t talked with him because his cellphone service has been pulled as punishment.  I also must call my ex about ten times before he calls back with any information or updates. 

Having said that, I have blogged .5% of the information regarding my son because he’s nearly his own person now.  I haven’t talked about much of the things that have taken place over the last 7 years because it has been my finding that there’s always someone who thinks they have answers and they don’t.  I’m a firm believer that divorce will mess up your children regardless of how you deal with it, how it goes down or why it goes down, the children will likely run into issues later. 

My son was absolutely fine…for the longest time…and then he wasn’t.  It’s so complex its impossible to blog 100% of the issue here.  I refuse to even do that to my son.  He’s not a bad person, he’s struggling..he’s a teenager and he is having difficulty finding direction.  I’ve also been largely pushed out by his father so that makes it nearly impossible for me to know all the details because my ex refuses to speak openly. He refuses to speak at all if his wife’s in the room.  His wife refuses to speak to me at all.  Lack of communication is a leading cause of the issues if you ask me.  You can’t have 4 people raising a kid who don’t communicate with one another. 

Whatever problems Keith has are largely due to the fact that I haven’t had really any say in his day to day activities, who his friends are, what the rules are, or how he will have to have accountability.  Those things were all decided by his father.  And so now this is what the end result is.  I was told over and over again that Keith has “another mother now”.  My ex’s famous words.  And that mother sucks the big one if you ask me. 

But then again no one does.

Then again no one who judges asks the right questions.  And no one that judges really cares anyways.

I went to Keith’s myspace tonight.  I miss him like madly.  I’m afraid for him.  I’m almost always afraid for him.  Sometimes it has been months upon months when I haven’t seen him over the years…and then sometimes it’s just like I’m reliving memories trying to have a son.
Sometimes I feel so detached from that little boy that I always felt was so much like me that we had a bond.  Maybe I wanted only to believe so badly that we had a bond.  Maybe in my heart he is my little boy but in his heart I’m really not his Mommy anymore.  I can never tell. 
 

Remember when I posted this Birthday post to Keith last November ?

Remember that song I sent his way?
I logged onto his myspace page tonight and that’s the song he has posted there.
 

It is my biggest hope that when the rain is gone….the sun will still be there…that that bond I hope is there..really is.  That song being there…it made me cry.  Where there is love there is always hope.

“If you live in Salt Lake City, Utah, Buffalo, N.Y., or Rochester, N.Y., your ride to work is probably the smoothest of any big city in the country. Residents of Tampa, Fla., Detroit, Mich. and Atlanta, Ga., on the other hand, endure the most grueling slog to work” via msn

Why do you think I was soo excited to hear about the funding for a new high speed rail system in Tampa.  I get lost everytime I drive across the bridge and leave St Pete.  The minute I hit Tampa it’s hell.  I have a college degree yet I’m direction dyslexic.  I get lost and call Rick all the time. 

Reason 654,3321,123 I pick Rick….because he gets me un-lost without getting irritated.

It’s been a rough week and tomorrow is still only Thursday.  It seems that mostly all I do sometimes is work work work.  This is largely because of my all inclusive (nearly) all day long workday.  Or the fact that it feels that way.  I work from 12:45 to 10:15 Monday thru Thursday and then 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Saturday’s.  Today I worked from 1 p.m. to 6 p.m. taking part in a special Leadership program at the University I work for.

Tomorrow I will work from 9 a.m. to 10:15 p.m.  Yes you read that right. Just typing it makes me want to throw up.  And no….no overtime since I had 1 short day and 1 long day.  *sigh*  Why couldn’t I just get the long day first and the short day the next day? No such luck.

Last I heard Keith went to school today.  I hope that stands as the truth….  It would help if my ex-husband had some communication skills.