shishnit.org

Things lately have sucked. I’ve been feeling depressive. It’s been colder and darker and something inside of me is breaking a little bit every single day. Things I’m not going to talk about here..and that part sucks. But they are still very real for me. I’ve been in a rut of doing not too much. It’s bad for me when I’m not actively engaged in an online course. Taking an onground course makes me unhappy on many levels. I can’t explain to someone who hasn’t had both experiences. b.t.w. Chris Daughtry’s new CD is amazing stuff. If you like Nickelback type rock music. It’s straight rock minus the heavy metal. And his lyrics….are good. In some ways…too good.

“Used To”

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I’d see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there’s you, and at least there’s me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I’d see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there’s you, and at least there’s me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
‘Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It’s empty, and you’re sad
‘Cause you miss the love that we had.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I’d see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there’s you, and at least there’s me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be, yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be.
-Daughtry
 

 I’ve been mulling something over for days now. When it comes to relationships, does age difference matter? Last night I buy an Oprah magazine and there’s a giant giant ass article about the topic. It gives examples of relationships where there are age diffrences as large as 20 years. It was a good article. But does this age difference not seem a big deal if both parties are at least 30 years old already and thereby mature already or does it simply not matter at all what two adults ages are when engaged in a relationship provided they are two consenting adults. Let me give examples.

If the guy is 37 and the girl is 25..is this ok? Seems ok to me because the girl has lots of time to still have babies. But….what if the guy were 25 and the girl were 37….hmmm not soo much time left to have babies. How about if the girl is 18 and the guy is 40. Is this acceptable? What if the guy is 40 dating an 18 year old girl. Is this borderline molestation.

Do you have an image in your head of what is ok and what is not ok? Does it change when you change the person from male to female etc. Or is it entirely the same regardless? Does it come down to compatibility or not?

With my first husband he was 6 years older than me. I was 21 when he was 27. This did affect my decision to have a baby right away. I saw him as older and didn’t want him to be gasping for breath chasing a baby around the backyard. Crazy when I think of it now. 6 years was hardly much of a difference. But then again we were raised in different era’s nearly. I saw differences and oddly now the difference between my 37 and his 43 seems huge to me because he acts and looks so much older than me now. So was it ok at 21 and 27 but we grew apart because of the age difference.

For example I stated 37 and 25. what happens when its 47 and 35 instead? How about 57 and 45. Don’t the numbers and ages seem to somehow get farther apart and or closer together in similarity somehow.

I am right now 36 and Rick is 39. So close. But we don’t really have a lot in common. Age doesn’t make two people melt together better if the numbers are closer I wouldn’t say.

I wish there were a way to number maturity level. Experience level. Wouldn’t that be amazing. You’d see a 21 year old walking around with a 57 maturity level. (lets propose maturity level ratings to be age related somehow here). Or perhaps you’d see a 60 year old woman with a 23 year old maturity level. It is possible. So then….is it the maturity age that is best to match up?

Have I lost my mind thinking about this? Have I? Perhaps I need to grow down and let go and be a kid again. I could be 36 in age and 19 in maturity ….if I tried to really let go for a long long time.

Anything is possible….right? How odd would it be for me to be 40 and then marry a 23 year old?? That would mean my 23 year old husband would have a 17 year old step son that I had when I was nearly his age. You see how this can get a little freaky in a way?

Or maybe when I’m 40 I marry a 60 year old man and he has a 30 year old child who is only ten years younger than me but also about 12 years older than my son. Nearly the same age difference for me and my son. Odd no?

Do you see how age would change some factors in your world? Or maybe it doesn’t at all because if you erase the number and place people with the right match…the number is farther in the background. Perhaps it’s all just something for me to ponder and write about in my blog.

How old is too old for you and why? How young is too young and how so? What age is just right for you to date, marry, live with etc.? What age is wrong? Let’s remove the under 18 bracket because that’s just wrong legally etc. But other than that….what if you’re 18 and you meet a 45 year old mate. Is that ok? Will it last? Well perhaps at least until the 45 year old is 80 and dies and the 18 year old is now 53. 53 and 80….seems not so different to me….not as different as 18 and 45 sounds…or am I crazy?

See how you can talk about this into circles? Or is it just me and my young mind and aging body?

Today’s D&C* wasn’t too bad.  I have no pain, no cramps, very little bleeding. I think its surely because I’ve been on Medroxyprogesterone for several months and I’ve been doing nothing but bleeding. I’m sure the uterus only has so much blood within it.  Now I just sit and wait for the test results.  If they find pre-cancerous cells I’m sure I’ll be planning and facing a hysterectomy.  Today I talked to a nurse in the hospital that has the same doctor that I do. He’s very well known in this area because he’s very good at what he does.  She told me he did her hysterectomy and he will discuss all methods and ways and the like with me if I am uncertain or want a particular method over another etc.  I have done some research but again trying not to take my brain in any direction until I know something definitive.

The majority of my day was sucked up by this event.  I had to be there at 6 a.m. and then they didn’t take me up to the waiting area until 8 a.m.  I have no idea when I was taken into the surgical area.  When I woke up after the procedure it was nearly 10:30.  By the time I got home I was still exhausted from getting up so early and the anesthesia this time didn’t make me sick to my stomach and I’m grateful for that.  I think it’s because perhaps I wasn’t under very long at all. 

There’s a very funny guy that works at the hospital.  He pushes you down to the waiting area.  There is a corner where whomever is with you can not go beyond.  He has sweetly named this the “kissing corners”.  I’ve been at “kissing corners” twice before with the same very funny gentlemen that has worked there for 20 years.  He told me today that he once pushed a couple down to kissing corners where they nearly made a baby on the corner.  He said jokingly “I had to nearly get myself a room after witnessing that tongue exchange.”  It gave me the giggles while prepped to go into surgery.

Rick walked down and around all of the corridors with me and then at the kissing corners bent over and kissed me.  I can’t imagine how difficult it might be to go through these things if you had no one on the last corner with you.  I try to imagine it and it must really suck.   But perhaps that gentleman does not discuss kissing corners if you do not have a willing kisser walking next to your gurney.  But if I ever had to go down that hall alone, I would know…I would know that corner when I got to it.  It makes me want to pray for every person that will be pushed right past “kissing corners” with no mention of what that intersection in the hallway could potentially mean.
 

*D&C is Curettage of the uterus (womb) is the scraping of the lining of the uterus (the endometrium). The procedure is commonly known as dilation and curettage or D&C.

some little boys are 

men 

and some soldiers are boys 

some ages 

are golden 

some numbers 

are torn 

some standards are 

good 

and some rules are broken 

some stages 

are hopeless 

some make things 

too warm 

some promises are 

bad ones 

and some vows are tokens 

some minutes are 

sad ones 

some moments 

are gone 

some doors are 

open 

and some windows are closed 

some opportunities 

golden 

some memories 

are grayed 

My friend Tonymac is to the far right of this pic.  I love Tonymac and miss him a lot now that he’s transferred his job to Texas.  This photo is so hilarious…like it looks fake…as if it’s a joke photo when it’s not meant to be.