shishnit.org

The things they don’t tell you beforehand.

1. you can keep your panties on, but must take off your bra

2. you should wear socks…otherwise your feet will freeze (I did wear them thankfully!)

3. you might freak out from being placed into such a confining machine

4. they will give you headphones and tell you how long the m.r.i. will be

5. counting the songs on an average of 3 minutes per song will help you determine when a half hour has gone by….this will also keep you amused this long)

6. if you are a college student you will write (in your head only) your next paper

7. this will be worthless because when you are sprung from the machine you will forget it all

8. it will take one m.r.i. tech several tries to try to give you a shot of Magnevist

9. m.r.i. tech will call in nurse who’s better with needles only after you have 3 unsuccessful band-aided jabs

10. the m.r.i. machine is very loud and will drown out Phil Collins singing “Take a Look at me Now”

11. this will give you a case of the giggles that you cannot allow because you are supposed to be very still

12. a pelvic m.r.i. is tricky because they will remove you from the machine but tell you not to move your hips!!

13. when you remove your clothes you will be given a key to a “borrowable” locker for your things

14. you can leave your panties on…this is where you are grateful that you wore the granny panties that never saw the light of the hysterectomy surgery

15. your back will hurt for several hours after lying this still for an hour and a half

15. the m.r.i. tech says with great gusto “you’re all done now…let’s hope you get knocked up real soon now ya’hear!”

16. you are happy to find that your warm red sweater is still in the borrowable locker and this go around the key works the first time, not the eleventh!

17. you sign paperwork to release all former pelvic tests to Dr. “I just met you” Oncologist

18. you will walk back through the maze of hospital corriders and happily you do not get lost

19. you sit down on the bench outside and realize the ride your husband gave you was probably not necessary as there actually “is” a parking garage right to the left of the hospital, right where you could not see it the first time you looked for this hospital and thought you’d never find parking for your red pope mobile.

20. you call “yellow cab” and get a ride.  It costs you $14.95 to go approximately 5.38 miles because the area the hospital is in makes you car sick with directionlexia and this is cab-flation I suppose.

21. give the cab driver $20.00 with directive to “keep it” just because he tells you during your 12 minute ride that it was probably a good idea to choose to allow your son to live with his father during what he calls the “critical years”  (the cab drivers 28 yr old son is serving life due to an attempted murder…after years of his mother protecting him and not allowing him, the father, to be involved)

22. tell cab driver to let you off at a building that is not yours because you don’t want him to see you getting into your perfectly good car after you called a cab to bring you home.  Why does one care…but I did!

23. realize that having a cab give you a ride eases the stress of medical procedures and make a mental note to keep that telephone number

24. get in car and drive to Keva juice and order a carrot/apple medium juice blendsation!

25. come home and realize the mailman has brought you two new books “The Monk Upstairs - Tim Farrington” and “April in Paris - Michael Wallner” and therefore the m.r.i. day wasn’t too too bad.

26. write blog entry

27. take 4 band-aids off of your two hands and two arms

28. remind yourself to hug your husband when he gets home

29. wonder if the Magnavest would beep going through a metal detector

30. decide to go to the library and get a new library card now that your names been changed for over a year

31. hit publish!