shishnit.org

How do you make someone understand that you think that what you have is worth not losing?  How do you tell them that disappointment is the worst feeling in the world when you love someone?  How can you say these things without blowing it all out of proportion or simply having the other person see it all as anger?  Anger and disappointment are two different emotions.  Truly.  And yet they manifest themselves the same way in me.  I always come across like some lunatic on a rampage because I can’t express these feelings in the right context. 

I always hesitate to discuss my marriage because it is a good one and I don’t want to disrespect my husband or imply that I don’t love him.  And the trolls love it when you say you are unhappy about something. 

Right now I am unhappy about certain behaviors that Rick is partaking in.  No, he is not cheating on me.  But for me if I have to question him in any way it feels too similar to the hell I once went through. It brings back bad bad feelings that I am trying desperately to get past.  He is not doing the same things, but there are problems.  And every marriage, even the great ones like this one, has it’s issues to overcome. 

 I love my husband, but tonight….I don’t like what’s happening.  I don’t like it and I’m not going to pretend its not there from time to time.  An issue, a problem….a thorn in my side that aches. 

Why can’t he simply know that I love him and I have his best interests at heart and sometimes other people just do not.  They may call themselves your friend, but they don’t care about you at 2 a.m.   Then….it’s just me.  It’s just me that still loves you and worries about you and makes myself crazy about everything. 

Just me. 

And just me….loves you…my husband.  Even if…..   So even when….even if….just tell me.   Avoidance never accomplished anything….avoidance leads you down a lonely road where only you are walking…..alone. And I don’t want that to happen to either of us. 

And no….we’re not going to get a divorce….we’re not having issues like that.  We are having issues….at least I am.  I am frustrated and disappointed and simply don’t get why it’s not all so precious that it’s worth more than losing to stupidity.  I’m blowing it out of proportion and it’s always a mistake to blog late at night in the midst of this….this….this whatever this is.  Mental marital breakdown on my part. 

Sometimes I wish I could let myself “fuck up”.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t talley up the price to be paid “if” and “what if” and “but if you do that…then maybe something bad will happen”. 

I wish I could either not care and do as I pleased….or face that he doesn’t and does as he wants. 

Or that we….because we are a we….right?  I wish that “we” were on the same page.  Writing on this one tonight alone…..sucks!!! 

And no he didn’t leave. 

And no I didn’t leave. 

It just is…. 

He DID not cheat on me either. I’d be in jail for murder if he had.