shishnit.org

It would be nearly impossible for anyone to just go completely raw in their eating overnight. You would never sustain such a change. However, I am adding more raw fruits and veggies and less “bad” carbs into my diet. Yes carbs are either good or bad. I don’t think any way of eating fits every single person and yet I know from my doctor’s what I need to watch and what I need to eat more of and less of.
No to these:

sugar, diet sodas, wasted calories from drinks (however I refuse to give up coffee but am working on giving up fat laden expensive Starbucks), red meats, high fat worthless foods like donuts, doritoes, etc. etc. etc., white breads, white bagels, poptarts, prepackaged foods, etc.

Yes to these

raw foods, fruits, veggies, fish, seafood, whole wheat, anything my grandmother could eat.

I have been replacing my starbucks with whole fruit juices from the local juice bar. My favorite is carrot juice sweetened with one tad bit of natural apple juice. No sugar.

I haven’t been on a scale and I could care less. I know I am doing the right things for myself and this feels good. I am going to begin an excercise program this coming Thursday as I will be home in the mornings and can excercise prior to getting ready to leave the house for the day. This means I don’t have to come home from work and excercise and possibly have to shower before I can go do any chores for the day. I will be using Walk Away the Pounds because it works. It’s always worked and it’s low impact and good for you. It gets the heart beating and works out the major muscle groups and even integrates my hand weights for muscle tone.

This is my lunch for tomorrow.

Today I took back all of my Algebra for Dummie’s books. I never opened them and I never even cracked the covers. I spent what turns out to be about $150 on them and it seemed worthless to hang onto them for no future use. I figured I could take them back and get credit and use the credit for some things that I could truly get some use out of. I took the majority back to B&N where they gave me a $150 credit on a card. I still have $80 to spend there. Sweet. You can see all of my recent book purchases on my flickr 2007 books set and can can get there if you click the bento photo.

Then I took some of them back to Borders and I bought more…..I ended up getting a great deal because I had coupons and I had a “shopping day” for an additional 10% off of everything I bought. I also bought a box of thank you cards that I intend to give to my co-workers this week as I’m moving positions and locations with the college I work for. I will be working in Westshore which is between St Pete but across the bridge towards Tampa. About ten miles farther…but I do look forward to the changes and the daily trek across the bay…it does wonderful things for my mindset to see the ocean and smell the ocean breeze every single day during the sunniest of times.

I want to say that I ordered this book from Amazon due to one awesome bloggers advice (and I am grateful to her for our recent exchanges…) I also have the other recommended book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” on my to purchase list. I have credit on my cards from both stores and figured I’d save it for another day for when I need the thrill of a new purchase.

I did place an order with Amazon for this as neither store today had it…..

And special thanks to the girl who gave me an amazon gift certificate a few months ago for no reason except that she’s got the kindest heart of anyone I have met in absolute ages. I used that gift certificate to combine two wonderful interactions that have come to my life via the sometimes wicked Internet. Thank you ladies….thank you so very kindly for your kindness.

I wanted to leave a msg here for the man in my life. So let me indulge…..he’s truly a great guy.

Thank you for all that you do for me. Thank you for overlooking my weakneses and giving me your patience and time when I’m lost and need to find my way. Thank you for encouraging me and making my fears about getting lost lighter. I love you for those things and so many more. And….thank you for allowing me this little space on the Internet where I can examine myself and work towards being a better wife, mother, employee, student, etc. etc. etc. I love the life we have…..the one we are building together. And thanks…..for sharing “The Secret” with me….that might have been the best tip you ever got to date. I love you!

Last night was a late 2 a.m. night.  I wrote my entry around 12:20 a.m. and then was up another 2 ½ hours or more.  I’m tired and lethargic and have an all company meeting in Tampa this afternoon.  5 o’clock traffic from Tampa to my home…sucks. 

I hate the way I felt last night and then later he and I sat side by side and instead of me freaking out and screaming or yelling….I cracked open my breastbone and let my heart ooze out all over the floor and it was good.  It was soo good….for me to let go and let him in.  Let him see what the real issue for me was and is.  I don’t care if he does what he does or did what he did last night….I only care that he doesn’t block me out.  I swear I have issues bigger than Texas because of all the shit people in my past have done.  I know that only I can empower myself to overcome those things but dang it if it’s not so so hard.

And no….I’m not compensating or making excuses for him.  I’m simply stating that we both have things we need to work out to come together more cohesively.  I have them too.  I’m far from perfect too.  However, I did address things the way I would most want to…even in retrospect.  And for that I am glad.

Oh and no he really did not cheat on me.  And no we’re not in need of counseling and yes we are ok.

p.s. The MRI went ok.  I don’t have test results back, so I don’t know if my uterus is ok or not yet. Time will tell.  Health issues are “hurry up…and a lot of WAIT.”
 

How do you make someone understand that you think that what you have is worth not losing?  How do you tell them that disappointment is the worst feeling in the world when you love someone?  How can you say these things without blowing it all out of proportion or simply having the other person see it all as anger?  Anger and disappointment are two different emotions.  Truly.  And yet they manifest themselves the same way in me.  I always come across like some lunatic on a rampage because I can’t express these feelings in the right context. 

I always hesitate to discuss my marriage because it is a good one and I don’t want to disrespect my husband or imply that I don’t love him.  And the trolls love it when you say you are unhappy about something. 

Right now I am unhappy about certain behaviors that Rick is partaking in.  No, he is not cheating on me.  But for me if I have to question him in any way it feels too similar to the hell I once went through. It brings back bad bad feelings that I am trying desperately to get past.  He is not doing the same things, but there are problems.  And every marriage, even the great ones like this one, has it’s issues to overcome. 

 I love my husband, but tonight….I don’t like what’s happening.  I don’t like it and I’m not going to pretend its not there from time to time.  An issue, a problem….a thorn in my side that aches. 

Why can’t he simply know that I love him and I have his best interests at heart and sometimes other people just do not.  They may call themselves your friend, but they don’t care about you at 2 a.m.   Then….it’s just me.  It’s just me that still loves you and worries about you and makes myself crazy about everything. 

Just me. 

And just me….loves you…my husband.  Even if…..   So even when….even if….just tell me.   Avoidance never accomplished anything….avoidance leads you down a lonely road where only you are walking…..alone. And I don’t want that to happen to either of us. 

And no….we’re not going to get a divorce….we’re not having issues like that.  We are having issues….at least I am.  I am frustrated and disappointed and simply don’t get why it’s not all so precious that it’s worth more than losing to stupidity.  I’m blowing it out of proportion and it’s always a mistake to blog late at night in the midst of this….this….this whatever this is.  Mental marital breakdown on my part. 

Sometimes I wish I could let myself “fuck up”.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t talley up the price to be paid “if” and “what if” and “but if you do that…then maybe something bad will happen”. 

I wish I could either not care and do as I pleased….or face that he doesn’t and does as he wants. 

Or that we….because we are a we….right?  I wish that “we” were on the same page.  Writing on this one tonight alone…..sucks!!! 

And no he didn’t leave. 

And no I didn’t leave. 

It just is…. 

He DID not cheat on me either. I’d be in jail for murder if he had. 

I bought this book after my MRI yesterday. I read the entire thing once through and am now on my second go. I only find two things odd with this diet. It does not encourage water. Say wha..??? Water is the core of every diet. This diet says that the body has to work harder to digest raw foods if you do not drink water with meals. Say wha…? I’ve always always read that you should drink water before you eat…that it fills you up and is great for you. I don’t think I could go entirely raw and never eat a hot meal again. I mean…c’mon. But if I went raw for breakfast (fruits and more fruits) and lunch (veggies and fruits)….that’d be great.

The Bento……it came today and I put a lunch together after a quick trip to the grocery store. Soon I will be working a different schedule and will be home in the mornings to pack a proper lunch. I’m also working in an area where traffic is absolutely crazy during what will be my lunch/dinner hour. I hope that this works out because I have high hopes of eating more healthy foods. I spend far too much money on eating out and grabbing things to eat on the fly and they are never the healthiest choices I can make in the grocery store. I’m trying to do a combination of eliminating bad carbs, raw sugar and adding in more veggies and fruits and whole wheats with low GI levels.

The effort to eat better is certainly a health issue and also need to lose some weight to increase chances of getting knocked up.  

The things they don’t tell you beforehand.

1. you can keep your panties on, but must take off your bra

2. you should wear socks…otherwise your feet will freeze (I did wear them thankfully!)

3. you might freak out from being placed into such a confining machine

4. they will give you headphones and tell you how long the m.r.i. will be

5. counting the songs on an average of 3 minutes per song will help you determine when a half hour has gone by….this will also keep you amused this long)

6. if you are a college student you will write (in your head only) your next paper

7. this will be worthless because when you are sprung from the machine you will forget it all

8. it will take one m.r.i. tech several tries to try to give you a shot of Magnevist

9. m.r.i. tech will call in nurse who’s better with needles only after you have 3 unsuccessful band-aided jabs

10. the m.r.i. machine is very loud and will drown out Phil Collins singing “Take a Look at me Now”

11. this will give you a case of the giggles that you cannot allow because you are supposed to be very still

12. a pelvic m.r.i. is tricky because they will remove you from the machine but tell you not to move your hips!!

13. when you remove your clothes you will be given a key to a “borrowable” locker for your things

14. you can leave your panties on…this is where you are grateful that you wore the granny panties that never saw the light of the hysterectomy surgery

15. your back will hurt for several hours after lying this still for an hour and a half

15. the m.r.i. tech says with great gusto “you’re all done now…let’s hope you get knocked up real soon now ya’hear!”

16. you are happy to find that your warm red sweater is still in the borrowable locker and this go around the key works the first time, not the eleventh!

17. you sign paperwork to release all former pelvic tests to Dr. “I just met you” Oncologist

18. you will walk back through the maze of hospital corriders and happily you do not get lost

19. you sit down on the bench outside and realize the ride your husband gave you was probably not necessary as there actually “is” a parking garage right to the left of the hospital, right where you could not see it the first time you looked for this hospital and thought you’d never find parking for your red pope mobile.

20. you call “yellow cab” and get a ride.  It costs you $14.95 to go approximately 5.38 miles because the area the hospital is in makes you car sick with directionlexia and this is cab-flation I suppose.

21. give the cab driver $20.00 with directive to “keep it” just because he tells you during your 12 minute ride that it was probably a good idea to choose to allow your son to live with his father during what he calls the “critical years”  (the cab drivers 28 yr old son is serving life due to an attempted murder…after years of his mother protecting him and not allowing him, the father, to be involved)

22. tell cab driver to let you off at a building that is not yours because you don’t want him to see you getting into your perfectly good car after you called a cab to bring you home.  Why does one care…but I did!

23. realize that having a cab give you a ride eases the stress of medical procedures and make a mental note to keep that telephone number

24. get in car and drive to Keva juice and order a carrot/apple medium juice blendsation!

25. come home and realize the mailman has brought you two new books “The Monk Upstairs - Tim Farrington” and “April in Paris - Michael Wallner” and therefore the m.r.i. day wasn’t too too bad.

26. write blog entry

27. take 4 band-aids off of your two hands and two arms

28. remind yourself to hug your husband when he gets home

29. wonder if the Magnavest would beep going through a metal detector

30. decide to go to the library and get a new library card now that your names been changed for over a year

31. hit publish!