shishnit.org

How do you explain to someone who hasn’t worn your shoes how incredible it is to find love after so much heartache?  Perhaps someone that’s had that experience would get it.  Every time I try to write truly about Rick I sit and stare at a white screen for a very very long time. 

We have absolutely so little in common and yet somehow we’ve hung in there and we’ve found a way to be something I’ve never had before.  I could use a thesaurus to throw out words that fit but really we all know there are a million words that mean love.

I have had so many disappointing things to deal with lately and yet such an extravagant bundle of good news that I have caught myself driving in my car thinking about how damned lucky I am.  The day he agreed to go into the gynecological exam room and then sheepishly bailed in embarrassment….it was then that I knew he would walk out on the tightrope if I led him there.  He would because he is part of me.

I can say that once you have lived with so much that is so wrong for so long you can’t say anything except ‘oh my…it’s so not that way….its’ really just so good that I have actually forgotten how bad it can be….the good has erased that pain. Holy all that is holy…this good has erased everything bad!!” I’m sure there are a lot of words for good too.  For me I need just one. 

Rick.

He’s as good as a stack of unread new books.  He is as sweet as the perfect cup of hot chocolate.  He is for me as reminiscent as an old box of records waiting for a needle and a rainy day.  He is as steady as a handmade piece of furniture you covet.  He is my favorite pair of jeans, my crisp white t-shirt, as comfortable to be with as a warm hoodie.  He is a blank book with perfect pages, pristine and full of possibility.  He is a smile that captures me, takes me out to sea to daydream.  He is as frustrating as the hardest sudoku you’ve ever done, and that frustration is challenging and brings out the best that I have to bring.  He’s like a windsock in the breeze; he doesn’t fight against who I am hoping for a better gust of wind.  Sometimes when I roll around in bed and realize he has departed for the day….there is that one tiny clutch of fear….oh its still there for me because….without him…

Without him….I couldn’t….be in love.
 

“What he offered, I didn’t value.  What I offered back, he also missed.  We were two people who loved each other, but we had such different ideas about how to express it. The other people we sought out were really just a way of making the connection, somewhere, that we couldn’t make with each other” - excerpt from the Anthology “The Honeymoon’s Over” Feb 2007  “The way we really were” - Joyce Maynard.

I read this several weeks ago, jotted it down and then carried the piece of paper around until the edges were dogeared and it stopped breaking my heart to read.  The latter still hasn’t happened….I just…..it got to me.  We can love someone and they can love us back but we can love someone the wrong way for them and they can love us in return the wrong way

I joke with “J” that there is a room located somewhere within that brainwashes you. Dissapointment’s in the career world are so hard to take.  But I have made it through far worse. 

From: Kristy
Sent: Tuesday, February 13, 2007 11:52 AM
To: J (AD, S)
Subject: please note 

Dear J, 

Disappointment is a messy emotion.  However, I want to assure you that I am not a person that will walk into another position with intent to fail.  I have never failed.  I may get pushed down but I keep getting back up and I never stop getting back up.  I think my personal life is a strong indicator that if I was a weak minded person making absolute poor choices I would be on the streets smoking crack right now. 

I respect “future boss” and would never do anything less than continue to respect her.  I look forward to at least having a change of pace.  Perhaps what they say about things happening for a reason is true in this case as well.  I know that in the past I highly enjoyed working around the faculty because they are a group of people that have amazing things to say on a daily basis. 

There is light at the end of every tunnel.  Sometimes you just need to open your eyes wider.  In the end it matters to me personally that I am a good Mother, a good student, a great employee.  I’ve been all of those things far too long to think they don’t merit worthiness, they merit a lot to me and in the end you have to be the person you know you have the ability to be. 

Been to the room….perhaps…;-) 

Kristy 

It’s Monday and I keep pinching myself.  Everything in my life is going rather well.  I’m awaiting some work-related news that could change my life, neither in a good way but perhaps not in a great way.  I suppose change is part of this company and I’m waiting to see what changes I’m going to have to make to my schedule/location and job duties.  It’s not bad….but it is alarming to just not know yet.  That’s all I will say about that.  I wish I could go on and on…but I love my job and won’t do that.

My weekend was not quiet….Friday night I had an encounter with the police on my son’s behalf.  He is fine….it worked out fine.  It was stepmother related…and that’s all I will say about that.  She did not hit him….but boy is she a bitch with issues.  We spent the weekend doing not too much.  We saw “The Messengers” together.  It was scary.  The previews showed the movie “23″ with Jim Carey.  I’m looking forward to seeing that movie.  Will take Keith…for sure.  We like to see scary movies together.  After seeing “The Messenger” I will be afraid of crows forever!!

It’s raining here this morning.  Dreary drizzly rain.  Gah!!  I’m sleepy.  I did manage to get my schoolwork done early yesterday, it was due today.

I have to say that this drug I’m on, Megace….it’s gross.  I can taste it nearly all the time.  A chemical taste that I cannot get out of my mouth for nearly half the day.  Disgusting.  I got up Sat morning and was dry heaving because the taste was so disgusting and it was making me nauseous.  Rick heard me and said, “It was like hearing you have morning sickness……” 

We are cautiously excited about our chances.  Cautiously because I still have an MRI on the 20th to get through.  If that comes back clean then I think I might get more excited.  But you almost always have to be cautious because you just don’t know what is going to happen long-term.  Disappointment is far harder to handle after getting all happy and psyched about something.  I’m cautiously happy about the chances, but more so I am extremely happy that I’m not on my way to surgery and that I have better answers about what is going on from an oncologist.  Why didn’t I go to this oncologist in the first place?  Because you have to be referred by another doctor.  The general public cannot simply call oncologists and get appointments.  It just doesn’t work that way.  Imagine all the people that would go to an oncologist if they simply could.  Alot of Hypochondriacs would that’s for sure.

I’m currently reading books about Diabetes, because….PCOS responds to a diabetic diet the best.  So while I do not have Diabetes, I am trying to learn how to better eat to help myself out.  To those that think every woman is fat because she simply eats too much, this is not true.  A woman with PCOS is fighting a losing battle to lose weight because her chemical make up is constantly being battled by PCOS.  And again, that’s all I’m going to say about that.  My general doctor, my gynecologist and now this oncologist all said the same thing.  PCOS will make you fat.  All you can hope to do by eating a Diabetic diet is make your body healthier and perhaps lose ten lbs.  Ten lbs?  That’s truly not that much in the big scheme of things for me.  But that’s ok with me.

“Dr. Gynecologist I’ve been going to” was wrong.  I do not have pre-cancerous cells.  I did not need to be on Provera for the last 4 months.