shishnit.org

Where have I been lately?  Why haven’t I been blogging much lately?  There’s not been much to blog about except things I previously vowed not to blog about.  But I’m going to blog about it even though I vowed not to.  I personally need to so here goes. But rest assured that recent contacts I’ve made have nothing to do with what I’m about to blog about.
Things between Rick and I are hazy lately.  Yup I said it.  At least on my part.  I don’t feel as connected to him as I once did.  Ever since I had to change my work schedule he and I are not working the same hours and I never see him.  I also can never get him on the phone and he’s never able to stay awake long enough to even say hello to me at night.
This really ticks me off as I used to work daylight hours and come home from work at 5 and sleep for a few hours and I used to go to his workplace and pick him up every night at 10:30 p.m.  Often we didn’t get back home until after 11 p.m.  I used to sleep a few hours after I got home so that I could pick him up and spend time with him.  It now angers me that since March 1st he has not made this effort to do this same thing or anything similiar in any way.
I have tried to talk to him about it and it falls on deaf ears.  One night this week I called home because my battery in my car was dead and I needed assistance.  He answered the phone after the tenth try and yelled across the phone, “Whaat do you waaaant?”  I was completely thrown off and said, “I just wanted to talk to you.”  To which he hung up.  Hung up!?!?!
I was able to get some assistance in getting a jump start from a student.  The same said student followed me nearly the whole way home to make sure I did not get straned on the Bridge.  You do NOT want to get stranded on that bridge.  It is not good for a female at night to get stranded there.  It’s a 12 mile long bridge across the Bay with no site of safe assistance.
When I got home that night Rick was predictably in ….bed already.
I barely see him!!
Last Saturday I worked from 7:50 a.m. to 1 p.m. and got ahold of Rick at 8:30 p.m.  He worked all day.  He said he would be home shortly.  He did not arrive until almost 11 p.m.  He went to his brother’s house to see his new poker table.  This is fine…however why tell me you’ll be right home if you’re not coming home for another 2 1/2 hours?  It was already a bad day for me on Sat. because I wasn’t feeling good healthwise.  I’d been feeling icky all day with stomach problems.
So now it’s Wednesday and Monday night he yelled at me over the phone (probably because I’m sure he’s trying to sleep at 10:45 at night while I’m having anxiety attacks about car problems and missing my husband).  Last night I never saw him, he was in bed.  It’s now 7:22 p.m. on Wed night and I’ve tried to reach him twice and no answer or call back.  I have no idea where he is or why he cannot acknowledge his own wife.  I just know how it all makes me feel.
Unwanted.
Uncared for.
Unappreciated.
Un-married.  It truly makes me feel unmarried…..what is “it”.  All of the above.  I called him earlier today and his phone was going straight to voicemail.  It’s now ringing ringing ringing…..
It really bothers me that I used to make all kinds of concessions to see him when I was the one that worked daylight hours and he was the one that worked at night and needed a ride home.  Ok so maybe he didn’t “need” the ride home but I’m certain that having a ride was better than not having one. 
My point?  I miss my husband.  I miss him but it’s as if he could care less.  He makes no effort to even try to see me.  And most often he’s grouchy and unapproachable when he is around.  Furthermore he never calls and he never answers his phone.  And he’s always asleep before I get home. 
It has now been exactly 21 days since my schedule changed and I’ve tried to be reasonable because I know he works hard.  However he was off on Monday and off yesterday and both days…in bed by the time I got home.  And then to add insult to injury the next day he’ll talk about having heard me moving about etc.  If you can hear me then you are fairly awake…you could easily acknowledge me or say hello.
I’m rather fed up with the entire thing at this point.  And to make matters worse….I am lonely.  Increasingly lonely.  I spend my mornings alone…my evenings alone….my downtime alone.  I don’t have to be married to be this alone do I?
What really ticks me off is that I’ve tried several times to say how I feel….and it’s always greeted with some nasty comment.  If he called me I’d happily answer the phone….so why?  Someone tell me why….this is happening?
And no….he’s not the cheating type.  But this schedule is *&!(ing with my marriage or with me or something.  Gah…..
I just called and spoke to him and I miss him….like madly.  I think a lot of this is me and all my uncertainty and past experiences…..or it all just plain sucks.
I had a company call me a few weeks ago for an interview. I set up the interview but then could NOT find out anything about the company so I didn’t go.  I just bailed on the appointment.  They called to confirm right at the interview time.  I bailed on answering.  Then someone different called to set up a different interview and I allowed them to set it up and then…guess what….I bailed again.  To me it was sketchy because the name of the company has *69* in it.  C’mon…..weird.  So now today two weeks into the experience…some woman called again to see if I was interested at all. Are they desperate or are they looking for porn stars or what?  I’m going to call them.  I’m curious now.  And they are close to home and want someone to work from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. 
Perhaps I truly need to make a career change anyways.  *sigh*
And Rick if you are reading this..it’s not bullshit for me to miss you…love you…and hate being on a different schedule.

I need to do something because I’m currently not happy with things even though I’ve tried to take it all in stride and find the good in a bad situation.  Wish me luck….or peace…..or at least a happy resolution. 
I really hate that I hate the fact that when I feel I am not being treated the way I should be that it should be an automatic thing because I made concessions in the past. Why do we humans think that if we do it someone else needs to do it?  Why so much resentment in the world?