shishnit.org

First and foremost, yes the comment is really from my son and yes he really is the sweetest kid ever.  I’d hope I could be his friend if I wasn’t so lucky to be his Mom.

I’ve wanted to come seriously blog about some things for days now but I’ve been so busy.  What have I been doing in the last 3 days…?

1. Friday I was off and did a ton of chores.  Paid bills, filed stuff away, etc. 

2. Friday I spent 3 hours at the bookstore reading, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. My new boss told me I should read it when I spoke of negative people having ill effect on you.  I read this entire book and found myself in tears twice.  In public!  I did not buy the book but I am going to…..even though I’ve already read it.  It’s some powerful stuff.

3. Sat morning I went to work.  I wrote a paper for school.  I did some organizational stuff at work and basically tried to wake up.

4. Yesterday afternoon I hit the bookstore and read another book by Joyce Meyer. Beauty for Ashes this time. This book did not make me cry, however I was knodding my head often.

5. Last night I went out with Rick to his co-worker/friends house. Tom and his wife were very nice.  Tom’s wife has an unusual name and I can’t recall it and neither can Rick.  Sad….  They made dinner on the grill.  Steak and broccoli salad and shrimp wrapped in bacon.  We also drank wine, I had 3 glasses and was feeling stress free for the first time in weeks.

5. This morning Rick got up and went fishing with his brother Randy.  I did more stuff around the apartment.  I cleaned the living room wiping down every single surface everywhere except for my bookcases….those are a whole day long chore!!

5. I went and did laundry…both mine and Ricks.  Yah for Rick.

6. Ran to the store and bought shampoo and toilet paper and leave-in conditioner for my hair.  I love Pantene’s leave in conditioner.  I swear by the stuff.  $3.29 and it works. 

Ok so now here’s for my rant about something that I’m sure will get a lot of feedback and some negative I’m sure but here goes.  I have to get this off of my mind.

Last night at Tom’s house his wife made an excellent dinner.  The guy’s went outside and made burgers for the kids (their kids…) and we had steaks.  So they were outside.  She was in the kitchen with us and she was making the shrimp while I looked on from the dining room table drinking cold iced wine.  (yah ice in wine…yummy in Florida)  So we’re chatting and she’s amazed that I’m telling her my kid lives with his Dad and at the time of the decision it was mine.  I decided this for him because his father was in a much better place in his life to take on the responsiblity, etc.  And because I had already decided to go to college, something the ex didn’t ever support.  She didn’t say much but I could tell she thought I was insane.  And that’s ok…she’s not the first.

Ok so now here’s the part that will probably piss people off but here goes.  Her kids are 15,14, and 13.  They are all in school.  She does not work.  She is a stay at home Mother.  She told me that she likes to work however she “can’t” right now because her kids are involved in activities and if she doesn’t stay home with them they won’t be able to participate in baseball, soccer, basketball etc.  She acted as if she could not possibly have a job no matter what.  I said nothing.  Throughout the evening she was the wife that jumps up from the table constantly, willing to get the ketchup, mustard…whatever for her husband.  I admit I do not have this type of relationship with Rick.  Yes I will get up and go get him something but….

a. I rarely make dinner.  Why?  I’m not a housewife and I’m not into being all domesticated at this point in my life.

b. Rick is self sufficient and doesn’t sit on his ass waiting for me to fend for him.

Yup yup…there are some people getting pissed right now.  But please don’t misunderstand me….it’s ok with me that Tom’s wife is this way.  She’s a stay at home Mother and he provides solely for her and his 3 children.  I still have not figured out how for the life of me he does this as he makes the same income as my husband and …well…perhaps we both like having our own transportation and having spare cash for doing things…..and thusly our lives are vastly different from theirs.

I don’t know what they do in their spare time but she mentioned they rarely go out and that she LOVES to cook and besides it’s far cheaper for her to do so.  Ok I get that part….I’d probably save a g’zillion bucks if I did cook daily. 

Her house (and yes somehow they can afford to rent a house….but Rick and I can’t….say what?  I can’t quite get a handle on it….) is immaculant.  Every crevice and crack is spotless.  The kitchen was so clean you could lick any surface and not get sick.  My kitchen….not so much.  My kitchen barely has any food in it currently.  If I was majoring in housewifery I’d fail out.

Rick was in his glory chomping on the homemade meal and was blissfully happy to be served, sit at a table and have someone ask him if he needed a drink etc.  I could tell he loved it.  He didn’t say anything but he loved it.  I’m not stupid.  And rightfully so, he should love it.  I loved it.  Having a willing servant. Priceless.

However, after I came home I realized two things.

1. I always compare myself to others.  IE: I need to stop.  Stop! sTOP IT!!!

2. My life is exactly how I want it to be for the most part.  I have a full time job and I’m in college and I’m doing things I’ve wanted to do forever.

She asked me if I ever stayed home with my son to which I said, “yes of course….however we didn’t live in a decent house and we didn’t have shit for shinola while I did it….we didn’t have anything until I got a job and assisted with the income.”  She just looked at me as if I had two heads.  I think she’s been at home with her kids since they were born.

She’s from a different cave than me.  She thought I was foreign and I found her to be somewhat foreign to me.  It was strange.  I see nothing wrong with what she is doing but it’s entirely different from my world. At one point during dinner her husband asked her if she had any money and she stated, “A little bit, you just gave me some earlier today.”

*groan*  this type of stuff always urks me somewhere deep because I have never ever been fully able to rely upon a man.  Not ever.  When I stayed home with Keith, his father barely made more than minimum wage.  We were broke….always.  I recall waiting two weeks just to buy a skein of cross stitch floss.  And I think even then cross stitch floss was less than $1.  I didn’t have a car of my own until I got a job and could maintain it and pay for gas.  Yes I recall using one of his paychecks to buy the car… $500!  But it was my first paycheck that caught up all the bills we allowed to wait so that we could buy the car in the first place. 

Perhaps my past experiences have taught me that in order for me to be content I need to

a. have my own income

b. rely only on myself

Now I state these things on the very same day that my amazing husband cut me a $50 check because I’m running short this week.  He does this often and I don’t deserve his kindness in this manner because mostly I’m just really bad with finances.  Probably because I spent so many years having nothing…..I haven’t quite got a handle on the why’s of this yet.

However, my first reaction was….she should just get a damn job.  Why is she “expecting” him to bust his ass to provide for everything?  Someone gave them a car….prior to that they didn’t have one.  He used to take home a moving van just so his family could get to the grocery store. 

I’m not saying that being a housewife is a bad profession or being a stay at home mother is either.  But clearly from my reactions to things she had to say…..I could never ever do it again.  I think about the two years I had with my son and they were financially difficut.  I wore the same pair of Nikes the entire 2 years.  I bought myself nothing.  Nothing!!  And I wouldn’t change it.  I saw him take his first steps.  I was there.  I saw him speak his first words, I was there.  Nothing else matters because I was there.

However, I’m so far removed from that world that it is foreign to me.  I could easily see that Rick loved that world….the world of wives who make dinner and set the table and clear the dishes while the man walks away as if no work went into the process and that’s “women’s work”.  Gah!  The latter part is what bugs me.  Sure he deserves dinner being made for him since he’s the sole provider for his family…..but all of it is just so foreign to me.  Yes it’s hard work to be a full time Mother….however….

how hard is it when all of your kids are in school all day and you can’t even work part time anywhere??  Why? WHyyyy???  I know this is a choice she makes, their family makes…..but….I just don’t get it.  I try to imagine myself sitting around the house all day doing housework and laundry while my children are off at school and if I thought about it long enough I would go into the bathroom and seriously puke.  The anxiety levels increase and I imagine not having a world outside of my home….again….makes me feel ill.

I suppose in the end it’s a good thing we all have our own lives to lead and choices to make.  Trust me Rick would love a wife like that but when I mention “ok so I’ll quit my job and clean house all day and worry about nothing but making dinner for you.”  He scoffs and laughs at that idea.  So he wants that wife…but doesn’t want to be that husband who pays all the bills?

That’s good with me because I’m just not ever going to be that girl that cares nothing about having my own world or life so that my husband can do nothing but bring home the bacon and wait for me to fry it up in a pan.  The first time and only time I did that was a miserable time for me in the way of marriage (not the glorious two years I played with my son and painted doggie footprints on his bedroom wall..) and I need to heal from it, let it go.

Yes it’s a battlefield in my mind when I think of being a SAHM and doing nothing else.  I can’t go back to that world again.  If Rick and I get the word that we can try for a child and god willing if we ever have one I will happily buckle that baby into the backseat of my CRV and wave goodbye with kisses as I drive away from the daycare and go off to work so he or she can have things…so my existing son can still have the things I can provide for him.

I can’t even imagine quitting college to be a SAHM.  Never.  It took me so long to get here…I’m not going back. 

In closing…a msg to every wife like Tom’s…..y’all are doing what you want to do and that’s great and I’m ok with it….I’m just not that girl anymore.  God-willing I’ll be the Mommy with the Coach baby bag and the pantsuit on.  The one with the PDA that has the baby’s doctor’s name in it and the schedule for my mgt meetings in it.  I’ll find a great babysitter and pay her well to tell me everything imaginable.  And I’ll have moments of guilt like every mother no matter what her choices….but I will not ever sit at a dining room table and jump up to get the mustard as though my life depended on it.  Never.

And a msg for my kid who does read here…..you were the greatest baby and I’m glad I had those 2 years with you, I attribute them to why you and I have the best relationship ever.  However….go ahead and be sad for your half brother or sister right now….because he or she will not have that…..but he or she will still have a kickass Mommy with a kickass job. ha!

I have to say I found myself wondering what Tom’s wife will do when her kids are grown.  It’s only a short 5 years from now.  I will have my degree and probably even my MBA by then…..what will she do?  It’s truly not my concern…but I wonder.  I think this train of thought started when she tried to convince me that she “can’t” work right now.  It was a long list of reasons……or was it excuses?  It’s not for me to judge…I realize this.  But I just wonder…..will she have a nervous breakdown or will she turn into the babysitter for her kid’s kids?  Why is Motherhood and Motherhood alone not enough for me?  Why do I want more than that?  Why do I want a career and my own bank account and my own car and my own credit card to buy new shoes? 

Thank goodness we all have a choice.