better now
I’ve tried before to explain to people that it’s better now. That it’s actually better now….even though there’s a lot of even though’s to count.
Even though he doesn’t live with me
Even though he’s not down the hall
Even though I have no idea what his bedroom looks like
Even though he really doesn’t like his stepmother
Even though things aren’t perfect
Even though…
Even…
It was my decision that he is where he is because I wanted him to have his Daddy in his life and somehow knew instinctively that he would if this was the choice that I made.
Even though I’m the one that loses out
Even though he’s not down the hall from ME
Even though I can’t decorate his bedroom for him
Even though I hate his stepmother too
Even though things aren’t perfect
Even though…
Even….
When he’s with me….it is perfect. When we hang out together I am completely aware that I am his mother. The pride beats through my veins like the roar of a lion in the jungle. I am his mother….and he is truly something to behold. Sometimes I watch him and I am overcome with love…when he picks up the trash at the restaurant and carries it without being asked to the trash bin…..when he drinks coffee with me….when he and I sit laughing at a scary movie (The Hills have Eyes 2 actually has funny parts..imagine that). Those moments are priceless to me.
I can honestly tell anyone that my son and I have a bond and that I believe that I’ll be able to guilt him into going out to dinner with me even when he’s 30. Yes..I have faith in it. Why? Because I can talk to him like I could talk to anyone. I can tell him how I felt, feel, anticipate feeling..etc. I can be myself around my son and that’s priceless. I wonder how many parents feel that way?
Trust me it’s not perfect and I get that banging pang in my chest every time I have to say goodbye and every time I can’t walk down the hall and watch him sleep. I get it and it hurts me but the bigger banging is that of a heartbeat…steady and strong and ever present. I am his mother and it is a gift…..I am a happy person who can be a better parent now. I know that I was always a good mom, now I am better. He’s growing up and he’s always been someone that inspires me to be a better me, but more so now as I watch him becoming someone I respect.
Yes….it’s “better now.”
1. you are not going to have to “guilt him” into going to dinner with you when he is 30; he will be calling you up asking to take you out…I can tell just by what you write of him and the one comment I read that he posted.
2. you have made a hugely selfless act that most mothers would not even consider making - so kudos to you.
I am so sure it is not easy and I am so sure he loves loves you. Both you and your son sound like amazing people.