shishnit.org

First and foremost, yes the comment is really from my son and yes he really is the sweetest kid ever.  I’d hope I could be his friend if I wasn’t so lucky to be his Mom.

I’ve wanted to come seriously blog about some things for days now but I’ve been so busy.  What have I been doing in the last 3 days…?

1. Friday I was off and did a ton of chores.  Paid bills, filed stuff away, etc. 

2. Friday I spent 3 hours at the bookstore reading, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer. My new boss told me I should read it when I spoke of negative people having ill effect on you.  I read this entire book and found myself in tears twice.  In public!  I did not buy the book but I am going to…..even though I’ve already read it.  It’s some powerful stuff.

3. Sat morning I went to work.  I wrote a paper for school.  I did some organizational stuff at work and basically tried to wake up.

4. Yesterday afternoon I hit the bookstore and read another book by Joyce Meyer. Beauty for Ashes this time. This book did not make me cry, however I was knodding my head often.

5. Last night I went out with Rick to his co-worker/friends house. Tom and his wife were very nice.  Tom’s wife has an unusual name and I can’t recall it and neither can Rick.  Sad….  They made dinner on the grill.  Steak and broccoli salad and shrimp wrapped in bacon.  We also drank wine, I had 3 glasses and was feeling stress free for the first time in weeks.

5. This morning Rick got up and went fishing with his brother Randy.  I did more stuff around the apartment.  I cleaned the living room wiping down every single surface everywhere except for my bookcases….those are a whole day long chore!!

5. I went and did laundry…both mine and Ricks.  Yah for Rick.

6. Ran to the store and bought shampoo and toilet paper and leave-in conditioner for my hair.  I love Pantene’s leave in conditioner.  I swear by the stuff.  $3.29 and it works. 

Ok so now here’s for my rant about something that I’m sure will get a lot of feedback and some negative I’m sure but here goes.  I have to get this off of my mind.

Last night at Tom’s house his wife made an excellent dinner.  The guy’s went outside and made burgers for the kids (their kids…) and we had steaks.  So they were outside.  She was in the kitchen with us and she was making the shrimp while I looked on from the dining room table drinking cold iced wine.  (yah ice in wine…yummy in Florida)  So we’re chatting and she’s amazed that I’m telling her my kid lives with his Dad and at the time of the decision it was mine.  I decided this for him because his father was in a much better place in his life to take on the responsiblity, etc.  And because I had already decided to go to college, something the ex didn’t ever support.  She didn’t say much but I could tell she thought I was insane.  And that’s ok…she’s not the first.

Ok so now here’s the part that will probably piss people off but here goes.  Her kids are 15,14, and 13.  They are all in school.  She does not work.  She is a stay at home Mother.  She told me that she likes to work however she “can’t” right now because her kids are involved in activities and if she doesn’t stay home with them they won’t be able to participate in baseball, soccer, basketball etc.  She acted as if she could not possibly have a job no matter what.  I said nothing.  Throughout the evening she was the wife that jumps up from the table constantly, willing to get the ketchup, mustard…whatever for her husband.  I admit I do not have this type of relationship with Rick.  Yes I will get up and go get him something but….

a. I rarely make dinner.  Why?  I’m not a housewife and I’m not into being all domesticated at this point in my life.

b. Rick is self sufficient and doesn’t sit on his ass waiting for me to fend for him.

Yup yup…there are some people getting pissed right now.  But please don’t misunderstand me….it’s ok with me that Tom’s wife is this way.  She’s a stay at home Mother and he provides solely for her and his 3 children.  I still have not figured out how for the life of me he does this as he makes the same income as my husband and …well…perhaps we both like having our own transportation and having spare cash for doing things…..and thusly our lives are vastly different from theirs.

I don’t know what they do in their spare time but she mentioned they rarely go out and that she LOVES to cook and besides it’s far cheaper for her to do so.  Ok I get that part….I’d probably save a g’zillion bucks if I did cook daily. 

Her house (and yes somehow they can afford to rent a house….but Rick and I can’t….say what?  I can’t quite get a handle on it….) is immaculant.  Every crevice and crack is spotless.  The kitchen was so clean you could lick any surface and not get sick.  My kitchen….not so much.  My kitchen barely has any food in it currently.  If I was majoring in housewifery I’d fail out.

Rick was in his glory chomping on the homemade meal and was blissfully happy to be served, sit at a table and have someone ask him if he needed a drink etc.  I could tell he loved it.  He didn’t say anything but he loved it.  I’m not stupid.  And rightfully so, he should love it.  I loved it.  Having a willing servant. Priceless.

However, after I came home I realized two things.

1. I always compare myself to others.  IE: I need to stop.  Stop! sTOP IT!!!

2. My life is exactly how I want it to be for the most part.  I have a full time job and I’m in college and I’m doing things I’ve wanted to do forever.

She asked me if I ever stayed home with my son to which I said, “yes of course….however we didn’t live in a decent house and we didn’t have shit for shinola while I did it….we didn’t have anything until I got a job and assisted with the income.”  She just looked at me as if I had two heads.  I think she’s been at home with her kids since they were born.

She’s from a different cave than me.  She thought I was foreign and I found her to be somewhat foreign to me.  It was strange.  I see nothing wrong with what she is doing but it’s entirely different from my world. At one point during dinner her husband asked her if she had any money and she stated, “A little bit, you just gave me some earlier today.”

*groan*  this type of stuff always urks me somewhere deep because I have never ever been fully able to rely upon a man.  Not ever.  When I stayed home with Keith, his father barely made more than minimum wage.  We were broke….always.  I recall waiting two weeks just to buy a skein of cross stitch floss.  And I think even then cross stitch floss was less than $1.  I didn’t have a car of my own until I got a job and could maintain it and pay for gas.  Yes I recall using one of his paychecks to buy the car… $500!  But it was my first paycheck that caught up all the bills we allowed to wait so that we could buy the car in the first place. 

Perhaps my past experiences have taught me that in order for me to be content I need to

a. have my own income

b. rely only on myself

Now I state these things on the very same day that my amazing husband cut me a $50 check because I’m running short this week.  He does this often and I don’t deserve his kindness in this manner because mostly I’m just really bad with finances.  Probably because I spent so many years having nothing…..I haven’t quite got a handle on the why’s of this yet.

However, my first reaction was….she should just get a damn job.  Why is she “expecting” him to bust his ass to provide for everything?  Someone gave them a car….prior to that they didn’t have one.  He used to take home a moving van just so his family could get to the grocery store. 

I’m not saying that being a housewife is a bad profession or being a stay at home mother is either.  But clearly from my reactions to things she had to say…..I could never ever do it again.  I think about the two years I had with my son and they were financially difficut.  I wore the same pair of Nikes the entire 2 years.  I bought myself nothing.  Nothing!!  And I wouldn’t change it.  I saw him take his first steps.  I was there.  I saw him speak his first words, I was there.  Nothing else matters because I was there.

However, I’m so far removed from that world that it is foreign to me.  I could easily see that Rick loved that world….the world of wives who make dinner and set the table and clear the dishes while the man walks away as if no work went into the process and that’s “women’s work”.  Gah!  The latter part is what bugs me.  Sure he deserves dinner being made for him since he’s the sole provider for his family…..but all of it is just so foreign to me.  Yes it’s hard work to be a full time Mother….however….

how hard is it when all of your kids are in school all day and you can’t even work part time anywhere??  Why? WHyyyy???  I know this is a choice she makes, their family makes…..but….I just don’t get it.  I try to imagine myself sitting around the house all day doing housework and laundry while my children are off at school and if I thought about it long enough I would go into the bathroom and seriously puke.  The anxiety levels increase and I imagine not having a world outside of my home….again….makes me feel ill.

I suppose in the end it’s a good thing we all have our own lives to lead and choices to make.  Trust me Rick would love a wife like that but when I mention “ok so I’ll quit my job and clean house all day and worry about nothing but making dinner for you.”  He scoffs and laughs at that idea.  So he wants that wife…but doesn’t want to be that husband who pays all the bills?

That’s good with me because I’m just not ever going to be that girl that cares nothing about having my own world or life so that my husband can do nothing but bring home the bacon and wait for me to fry it up in a pan.  The first time and only time I did that was a miserable time for me in the way of marriage (not the glorious two years I played with my son and painted doggie footprints on his bedroom wall..) and I need to heal from it, let it go.

Yes it’s a battlefield in my mind when I think of being a SAHM and doing nothing else.  I can’t go back to that world again.  If Rick and I get the word that we can try for a child and god willing if we ever have one I will happily buckle that baby into the backseat of my CRV and wave goodbye with kisses as I drive away from the daycare and go off to work so he or she can have things…so my existing son can still have the things I can provide for him.

I can’t even imagine quitting college to be a SAHM.  Never.  It took me so long to get here…I’m not going back. 

In closing…a msg to every wife like Tom’s…..y’all are doing what you want to do and that’s great and I’m ok with it….I’m just not that girl anymore.  God-willing I’ll be the Mommy with the Coach baby bag and the pantsuit on.  The one with the PDA that has the baby’s doctor’s name in it and the schedule for my mgt meetings in it.  I’ll find a great babysitter and pay her well to tell me everything imaginable.  And I’ll have moments of guilt like every mother no matter what her choices….but I will not ever sit at a dining room table and jump up to get the mustard as though my life depended on it.  Never.

And a msg for my kid who does read here…..you were the greatest baby and I’m glad I had those 2 years with you, I attribute them to why you and I have the best relationship ever.  However….go ahead and be sad for your half brother or sister right now….because he or she will not have that…..but he or she will still have a kickass Mommy with a kickass job. ha!

I have to say I found myself wondering what Tom’s wife will do when her kids are grown.  It’s only a short 5 years from now.  I will have my degree and probably even my MBA by then…..what will she do?  It’s truly not my concern…but I wonder.  I think this train of thought started when she tried to convince me that she “can’t” work right now.  It was a long list of reasons……or was it excuses?  It’s not for me to judge…I realize this.  But I just wonder…..will she have a nervous breakdown or will she turn into the babysitter for her kid’s kids?  Why is Motherhood and Motherhood alone not enough for me?  Why do I want more than that?  Why do I want a career and my own bank account and my own car and my own credit card to buy new shoes? 

Thank goodness we all have a choice.

I placed an online order today figuring that I was at least ten dollars below my credit limit with that particular store after I placed the order.  They had a $25 off any $75 purchase coupon and I’ve been eyeing a particular outfit for awhile that totaled $82.  Yah sorta crazy for me…I don’t usually spend over $40 for an outfit.  Yes I’m cheap…..so what!!  So anyway I placed my order. 

With shipping the total came to $2.95 over my credit limit.  Oh they’ll send the order to me and then next month they’ll charge me a $25 fee for going over the credit limit.  I’m so stupid. gah! There goes my coupon!!

He’s awake and therefore no entry tonight.   

It figures as soon as I cracked and talked about it….he was up last night.  Up and awake and we curled up like two apostrophe’s on a comfy sheet of paper and we talked and talked and talked until he finally mentioned that he had a long day the next day..today.  And he does…a 4 hour trip both ways….before his actual job’s today.  I hope he’s smiling today like I am.

Mostly….I miss him like crazy and have never experienced that with anyone before.  Sure I’ve missed having someone around before but not this aching need to feel close to someone.  Incomplete and frayed at the edges if I don’t see him or connect with him for days on end.  The rest of my life feels fractured and off balance.  I truly am a better person when he is present in my world.  Perhaps I am needy?  Perhaps I just like life better with him in it?  Perhaps I just miss my husband a lot lately.  Perhaps that’s all true and quite evident.

Either way I am a much happier girl this morning….

And twice as happy because instead of “complaining” or “venting” on him I simply curled up into him and let myself enjoy being right there with him…warm and safe and content.  ahhh…the good flipside of marriage. 

Where have I been lately?  Why haven’t I been blogging much lately?  There’s not been much to blog about except things I previously vowed not to blog about.  But I’m going to blog about it even though I vowed not to.  I personally need to so here goes. But rest assured that recent contacts I’ve made have nothing to do with what I’m about to blog about.
Things between Rick and I are hazy lately.  Yup I said it.  At least on my part.  I don’t feel as connected to him as I once did.  Ever since I had to change my work schedule he and I are not working the same hours and I never see him.  I also can never get him on the phone and he’s never able to stay awake long enough to even say hello to me at night.
This really ticks me off as I used to work daylight hours and come home from work at 5 and sleep for a few hours and I used to go to his workplace and pick him up every night at 10:30 p.m.  Often we didn’t get back home until after 11 p.m.  I used to sleep a few hours after I got home so that I could pick him up and spend time with him.  It now angers me that since March 1st he has not made this effort to do this same thing or anything similiar in any way.
I have tried to talk to him about it and it falls on deaf ears.  One night this week I called home because my battery in my car was dead and I needed assistance.  He answered the phone after the tenth try and yelled across the phone, “Whaat do you waaaant?”  I was completely thrown off and said, “I just wanted to talk to you.”  To which he hung up.  Hung up!?!?!
I was able to get some assistance in getting a jump start from a student at the University.  The same said student followed me nearly the whole way home to make sure I did not get straned on the Howard Franklin Bridge.  You do NOT want to get stranded on that bridge.  It is not good for a female at night to get stranded there.  It’s a 12 mile long bridge across the Tampa Bay with no site of safe assistance.
When I got home that night Rick was predictably in ….bed already.
I barely see him!!
Last Saturday I worked from 7:50 a.m. to 1 p.m. and got ahold of Rick at 8:30 p.m.  He worked all day.  He said he would be home shortly.  He did not arrive until almost 11 p.m.  He went to his brother’s house to see his new poker table.  This is fine…however why tell me you’ll be right home if you’re not coming home for another 2 1/2 hours?  It was already a bad day for me on Sat. because I wasn’t feeling good healthwise.  I’d been feeling icky all day with stomach problems.
So now it’s Wednesday and Monday night he yelled at me over the phone (probably because I’m sure he’s trying to sleep at 10:45 at night while I’m having anxiety attacks about car problems and missing my husband).  Last night I never saw him, he was in bed.  It’s now 7:22 p.m. on Wed night and I’ve tried to reach him twice and no answer or call back.  I have no idea where he is or why he cannot acknowledge his own wife.  I just know how it all makes me feel.
Unwanted.
Uncared for.
Unappreciated.
Un-married.  It truly makes me feel unmarried…..what is “it”.  All of the above.  I called him earlier today and his phone was going straight to voicemail.  It’s now ringing ringing ringing…..
It really bothers me that I used to make all kinds of concessions to see him when I was the one that worked daylight hours and he was the one that worked at night and needed a ride home.  Ok so maybe he didn’t “need” the ride home but I’m certain that having a ride was better than not having one. 
My point?  I miss my husband.  I miss him but it’s as if he could care less.  He makes no effort to even try to see me.  And most often he’s grouchy and unapproachable when he is around.  Furthermore he never calls and he never answers his phone.  And he’s always asleep before I get home. 
It has now been exactly 21 days since my schedule changed and I’ve tried to be reasonable because I know he works hard.  However he was off on Monday and off yesterday and both days…in bed by the time I got home.  And then to add insult to injury the next day he’ll talk about having heard me moving about etc.  If you can hear me then you are fairly awake…you could easily acknowledge me or say hello.
I’m rather fed up with the entire thing at this point.  And to make matters worse….I am lonely.  Increasingly lonely.  I spend my mornings alone…my evenings alone….my downtime alone.  I don’t have to be married to be this alone do I?
What really ticks me off is that I’ve tried several times to say how I feel….and it’s always greeted with some nasty comment.  If he called me I’d happily answer the phone….so why?  Someone tell me why….this is happening?
And no….he’s not the cheating type.  But this schedule is *&!(ing with my marriage or with me or something.  Gah…..
I just called and spoke to him and I miss him….like madly.  I think a lot of this is me and all my uncertainty and past experiences…..or it all just plain sucks.
I had a company call me a few weeks ago for an interview. I set up the interview but then could NOT find out anything about the company so I didn’t go.  I just bailed on the appointment.  They called to confirm right at the interview time.  I bailed on answering.  Then someone different called to set up a different interview and I allowed them to set it up and then…guess what….I bailed again.  To me it was sketchy because the name of the company has *69* in it.  C’mon…..weird.  So now today two weeks into the experience…some woman called again to see if I was interested at all. Are they desperate or are they looking for porn stars or what?  I’m going to call them.  I’m curious now.  And they are close to home and want someone to work from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. 
Perhaps I truly need to make a career change anyways.  *sigh*
And Rick if you are reading this..it’s not bullshit for me to miss you…love you…and hate being on a different schedule.

I need to do something because I’m currently not happy with things even though I’ve tried to take it all in stride and find the good in a bad situation.  Wish me luck….or peace…..or at least a happy resolution. 
I really hate that I hate the fact that when I feel I am not being treated the way I should be that it should be an automatic thing because I made concessions in the past. Why do we humans think that if we do it someone else needs to do it?  Why so much resentment in the world?