shishnit.org

how about i go out and drive off a bridge 

and you… 

you stay right here 

waiting 

wait wait 

….waiting 

for my return 

when i’m not 

coming 

back 

as is 

-poetical

I’m mostly sad most of the time most often and most lately
I try to speak
But I am not heard

Eyes swollen
Lips silenced
Chapped

And I hate this feeling
This feeling that I am missing something
Because something is missing

I’m mostly just writing because
habit
And not because it’s guttural honesty
That’s too hard these days
These ways

In which lives are published
Like pages
Virtual
Forever
Easily erased
Controlled
Altered
Deleted

The sadness
Depressive
Depression
Suppress
Feeling

It’s easier
That way

I miss too much
The things that make me happier
Better
Blissful
Full of better than this
This

This same this

And this writing
Like this
I will be painting soon
Walls
Thighs
Musings
Pages
Scraps of feeling
Trapping in

Letting go
Going away
Stopping
Leaving
Letting go

The only way
Same room
sanedom
Is

Someone sleep
And someone
Cry alone

I used to come
Knock on your door
Then I stood on the stoop
And walked away
Walked back
And then
I rang the bell
To find that it was broken
Awww fuck hell…

T is for temptation
T is for tentatively
T is for thinking
T is for taunting
T is for trouble
T is for today, tomorrow two days too tawdry
T is for tipsy
T is for typing
T is for tantalizing
T is for typing two too tantalizing words

Earphones shut you out
Shut you up
Loud
Eardrums crack
Better them broken than
hearts

if my fingers scribbled
how I felt
my tips
would scratch scars
along a track so deep
you’d be a walking canvas
of love’s scars

I just wanted to say I am sharing this experience because I want to document it.  A few of my friends and family from when I was 14…I told them this morning that I got in touch with Frank.  They all wanted to know right away how he is, what he’s up to, they remember only happy good things.  He was a wild and crazy 16 yr old boy.  He was the first boy in my life that ever showed me any attention and he was sweet and just…he was sweet.  We met at a family type state park…a campground in PA where we are both from.  He literally walked up to me and started to talk to me, it was overcast and rainy and the air smelled like wood burning and damp…damp sweet.  This was new to me and I spent 2 days walking around with my hood up ignoring him but giggling too.  We sat for long hours with him rambling on and being silly and me being deathly shy and introverted.  My cousin Wendy doing all the talking.

I was on vacation with my first cousins and my Aunt DeDe (for whom I adore to this day…).  My Aunt and Uncle were far more liberal than my own parents.  This friendship/relationship/puppy love…well it would have never happened if my parents were present.  However, my Aunt…she smiled and she watched me experience those butterflies in my stomach.

Frank and I had one week together….during the hottest month of the summer….there was a lot of rain and mostly I recall crawling into the tent at night to go to sleep watching him walk back to his parents campsite….only to crawl out of the tent in the morning to find that he was standing there grinning.  He truly made me grin inside.  I recall fondly how he sang to me, Prince’s “dig if you will a picture of you and I engaged in a kiss…the sweat of your body glistening…can you my darling can you picture this?”

Oh god yes it was corny and it was summer and I was 14 and I loved him with all my 14 year old heart.  And I lived in Johnstown and he lived in Bolivar and that was so so many miles apart.  And the circumstances kept us apart.  But we did somehow manage to see each other about a half dozen times after that. 

1. the time we went to the Jubilee and he held my hand all night and gave me a colored carnival stick that I kept in the corner of my bedroom until the day my mother kicked me out and would NOT let me take it…she knew I loved him at one time….bitch that she is

2. the time he just showed up at my house and I was at my grandmother’s and I nearly ran the entire mile home just to find him sitting and grinning at my mother and god she was a bitch and he just rambled on and on to her all the while smiling and being the charming 16 yr old boy that I adored.  His mother was the coolest Mother I ever met ….and I vowed then I would one day be like her…..allowing her kid to like who he liked and spend time with her as he wished.  She facilitated the times that we saw each other.

3. the time for some unknown reason I somehow ended up at his house and we laid around on his families gigantic sectional couch and kissed like little kids between giggles and laughter

4. the time he showed up in my driveway grinning at me (when I was 16 1/2 and my first and longterm bf Steve was on his way over.)  I told him “hey no you can’t be here….Steve is coming.”  Frank hid in the bushes and watched me get in the car with Steve and leave.  And to this day I regret not just running off with Frank and having the time of my 16 1/2 year old life…..fuck I regret that day.  Oh to have known….

5. the time we went to the mall (which mall I can’t recall…) and he bought me one of those half heart necklaces and he kept one side….and he gave me a stuffed Odie and god how I loved that boy…..his hands in mine…his grin always big big big…. 

6. the countless phone calls…my parents bitching about phone bills…and my teenage heart thinking that it just didn’t fucking matter because life wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t talk to Frank. 

7. then there’s the time I remember being in a car with him….years later…..making out…no longer 14….and I still loved him and he still made me feel those crazy things deep inside that no one else made me feel

And then…..then one night on the phone in a fit of teenage angst (and yes some of the above….the timeline is hard to place…) I told him “I can’t do this anymore…it’s driving me crazy….I want to be able to be around you and I can’t…and we’re driving each other crazy..we need to stop this and break up.”   And then…..then he said, “I don’t want to but ok.”

Two minutes later I called him and sobbed, “nooooo…..I messed up…nooooo”  And he said it was for the best.

That break….oh boy was it big and jagged for a long time.  I think it broke me more than my more recent divorce in different ways.  I loved that boy…..and never slept with him….I loved him innocently and honestly and completely.  His voice alone made me happy.  We had crazy wild long conversations about everything…..

Then once when I was 19 he showed up at the mall in the record store (and yes people we sold records….) and he still made my toes curl and he still looked the same though he was 21.  But something was slightly different.  He told me he had  a girlfriend but wanted to say hi.  I walked out into the mall hallway and asked him for a hug. 

I never saw him again. 

But he moved to Long Beach and I spent thousands of my parents money calling him…..calling him…..still wanting him…..even though I had a boyfriend who was right there in front of me.  No one else was Frank for me then.  But he was so gone…..out on his own….so so far away…..always the circumstances. 

But I got married…moved away….called him when I was 22 and newly married.  I still loved him…..I won’t lie.  It killed me in some new way to learn he had a baby….and then he mailed me a photo and the letter smelled like him and I knew….I knew he’d always be somewhere in a drawer in my past.  He was somehow different…special…just because he held my hand first….he told me I was pretty first….he sang me songs over the phone….I sobbed for hours back then everytime I heard ‘Missing you” by John Waite.  We even had a song….”Almost Paradise” from that Footloose movie.  For all these years….when somehow I would hear that song….I would stop in my tracks…trying to gather together my 14 year old castaway memories. 

He lived about 45 minutes away….but it was a fucking lifetime worth of distances…..always too far.  But I loved him….first.  But even more than that….he was first…and he chased me……he called me…..so now….over twenty years later it’s cute to me that he’s accusing me of stalking him. 

And no I’m not in love with him….we’re all grown up and there’s no carnival stick in my corner with his name on it anymore…..but…I still love him…because he loved me….when it really mattered.

From: Frank
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2007 3:23 PM
To: Kristy
Subject: Re: Hi it’s Frank
I dont know about that …. I think your doing a fine job of stalking

From: Kristy   
To: Frank
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2007 1:24:25 PM
Subject: RE: Hi it’s Frank
 I can’t believe you seriously think I am stalking.  You should be flattered that someone from so long ago would wonder how you are.  Now that I know…I can split.
 

From: Frank
Sent: Thu 3/15/2007 12:28 PM
To: Kristy
Subject: Re: Hi it’s Frank
 

I’m just playing around I dont think your stalking me - relax… Switch to Decalf and take a deeep cleansing breath
 

From: Frank
Sent: Thursday, March 15, 2007 4:08 PM
To: Kristy
Subject: Re: Hi it’s Frank
K well I am sorry if you’re upset I seriously was just messing around with you.
From: Kristy
Sent: Thu 3/15/2007 2:31 PM
To: ‘Frank’
Subject: RE: Hi it’s Frank
I’m tougher than all that……I was just in a loooong meeting so I didn’t get your first email until just now…and then this one….  I’m not offended whatsoever and it all is quite funny. If I hold someone in high regard I do it forever or not at all.  I didn’t contact you to “stalk” you I just wanted to know how it all “turned out.”  Just like seeing the first five seasons of a show and missing the last episode. ha!
 
I’m way easy going and a super smart alek just like I was when I was 14…._____ 

My favorite thing to date about Frank..??? that he’s just a nice enough guy to call that girl he knew back when we were just kids.  I asked him why he called….he said, “there’s that little kid still in there somewhere.”

Do we ever forget the fingerprints on our heart?

Frank has an entire photo page full of pictures of his beautiful family and his 5 kids, etc.  I saw this photo….and my first and most immediate thoughts were “wow….I would know him if I saw him on the street….he hasn’t changed….same smile….same backwards hat….same t-shirt wardrobe…..and he’s still making people in his life happy…..he has a beautiful family…and….it’s just very cool that he would call me after getting a cryptic msg from me…..  I’m glad I followed my gut and sent him a msg…..

I would show you his wife…but she doesn’t know me and it’s just not right.  Rest assured she’s gorgeous and is 21 and he’s total cradle robbing but they’re insanely happy together and he speaks so highly of her it’s hard not to instantly respect it all.  He knows….and he’s cool with my blog…..hi Frank….thanks for calling.

From: Kristy
To: Frank
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 12:00:29 PM
Subject: RE: Hi it’s Frank 

I have a question….your oldest child is a boy correct?