shishnit.org

Everyone has ups and downs throughout their entire lifetime.  We hope for more up times than down times but we all take what we get and I believe that as we grow older, wiser, more experienced we figure out that the bad times are unavoidable and the good times are the blessings we need to treasure.

And sure that paragraph sounds like something my grandmother could have written.  The fact of the matter is I have news, but I’m holding back on it.  I have great news but I want to savor it, roll it around in my soul and taste every part of the experience at the moment.  For me it’s life changing news and long in the making.  Part of me wants to wait until its official and nothing will change it.  Another part of me wants to surprise someone with it personally.

Either way and for whatever reasons this good news made me think about the path I have been on for several years now.  Life is not perfect and it’s ever changing and I sometimes feel like I am in constant improvement mode.  I know what kind of person I want to be and what things matter to me.  I truly do.

But this good news I can’t tell you makes me think of all the times I got my hopes up that things would improve and it felt like I was in a dark dark place and no one was ever going to turn on the light bulb.  I credit my friendship with Brad for much of my personal realizations that change had to start with my having personal faith in myself. I finally realized that no one else could give me happiness and no one else could make my life better in the ways that most would make me blissful.  For several years he constantly was on me about things I needed to do, things I needed to stop doing and mostly made me re-evaluate just what went wrong in my first marriage and I can admit it was not all him.  Yes it was 99.9% but c’mon I was the other part of the fault.

In light of my good news I have looked back at the path.  I have quickly re-lived all the loss, all the disappointment…all the not appreciating the good things….yes I did that.  I was so often so focused on what I did not have rather than what I did.  Surprisingly when I changed that a few years ago and started to simply be grateful for what I do have and not keep listing out in my mind all that is wrong….I found a big sense of peace.  I remember several key moments in my life when I knew that events were going to change the storyline of my life.  There was the day…no no…I don’t list things like that anymore.  I can relive it quickly and reminisce but my main focus remains on the future.

I spoke briefly about being halfway through college and yet I could not possibly relay what it truly means to me.  It’s a touch point along the path I began with maybe not enough faith and tons of fear.  But I started anyway and got from there to here.  Many times in the past while in the realms of loss I used to make myself sadder, deeply depressed.  I nearly drowned myself in the bad feelings and wanted to die so many times its unreal.  It took the last 6 years to teach me that the bad sucks but one must stop playing the sad music, get up and go outside and do the best you can to shake it off because swimming in that muck gets you nowhere good.

So prior to my big announcement….trust that I am truly enveloped in the feeling of blessings, happiness, opportunities, and….the plain fact that life….it is good.  Just as the sun comes out new every morning night will come again.  Right now I am sitting here soaking in the sun of good.

And no I’m not pregnant.  And no I didn’t get a new job.  And no I was not accepted into Harvard.  But for Rick, my son, my doggie and my little world…..this is extremely exciting and good news.  I am reveling in it.  One must also remember to do that….it’s far better than sinking in your feelings only when they are dark.  

And…nope…haven’t told the kid yet…..that’s going to be the best.  I can’t wait.
 

I ain’t no good with words
No one no good at talking
I’m misunderstood
Misunderstood you often – Donnie Iris