……i wish there was a switch i could turn to off

I keep my car keys in my right side pocket, my cellphone tucked into my bra on the left side and then I carry my heart bleeding on my sleeve.  I try not to bump into any walls as I walk through doors and hallways.  But it seems that all day today it has happened over and over again because I am tiptoeing around my own blood.  Re-smoothing out my wrinkles, re-bandaging my old wounds.

I suspect my blessings might equal someone else’s curse because what I see is not what someone else might feel.  I’m confused, angry, misunderstood and depressed, sad and yet happy.  Welcoming and yet I’m closing off, turning down my volumne, playing a slow tune to ease my own jagged edges. 

I am keeping my distance, not because the closeness to other’s is difficult but rather that the closeness to the source of my pain is overwhelming.  And yet I feel the guilt the weight of a thousand mountains on my weak shoulders.  I wish I could just cease..let go, move away.  Let out a sigh….find relief.

I forgot my responsibilities, my chores still listed yet not crossed out.  My breathing is ragged and my voice is a silent shout.  I know that I’m heard by many but not at all by some.  I keep reliving my old experiences…the nurse who asked me about my mother.  The husband who reminded me about my missing relativity.  And the man who wanted to end his baby making ways.  I relive it all and it feels like I’m purposely driving razor blades into my own eyelids just to color the tears, just to change my mind.  Just for no good reason than memories, sometimes they haunt.

I know it’s a boy…but I don’t have a name.  He’s stopped talking to me since this morning because his assumptions whacked me upside the head and he cannot manage to stay afloat in my tears.  So rather than drown I am now shut out…like the cold. Like the night.

He sounds so happy.  I understand.

I am alone.  I feel dead.

I have guilt…it’s the size of ten worlds.  Please don’t give me anymore.