shishnit.org

Me: What did they name the baby?Him: What baby?

Me: Just tell meHim: Matthew I guess…
Let’s go from insensitive to pretending the issue doesn’t exist? 

Let’s go from insensitive to pretending the issue doesn’t exist?  I can’t pretend.  That’s my entire problem.  I want to pretend to be happy.I can’t.I can’t.I want to pretend that it’s fair that a so called God blesses people who aren’t married with a child.It doesn’t feel fair.

It doesn’t feel fair.I’m told it’s not my place to decide what is fair or not fair.Is it my place to feel the way I feel?Is it my place to feel the way I feel?Can I just deal the best way I can?Let’s pretend…like my parents did.  That everything was ok…when it wasn’t.

Let’s pretend…like my parents did.  That everything was ok…when it wasn’t.Pretending doesn’t resolve anything.Me: Can you just give me something until I can get an appointment?

The Nurse: No because you filled out this paper that says you’re taking Megace.  That’s a powerful drug.  Something else might not be called for with your uterine issue’s.Me: Great…then.  Can you just shoot me?

The Nurse:  Are you suicidal?Me:  If I was, I wouldn’t ask you to shoot me…I’d be brave and do it myself.
 

Co-worker: Hope is that thing you can’t let go of. Me: No, hope is that thing that keeps bringing me deliveries of disappointment.  If I never hoped again, I would have never felt cheated again. 

Co-worker: You still don’t know how your next doctor’s appointment will turn out.Me: Yes I do.  I will be sent somewhere for a test.  Then I will be sent home.  Then a few weeks later I will be told something.  Then a few weeks after I recover from that news, I’ll be sent somewhere else.  I want to be done hoping, dreaming, wishing.  Done.Me: Yes I do.  I will be sent somewhere for a test.  Then I will be sent home.  Then a few weeks later I will be told something.  Then a few weeks after I recover from that news, I’ll be sent somewhere else.  I want to be done hoping, dreaming, wishing.  Done.Co-worker: So stop.Me: breathing?

Me: breathing?Co-worker: That’s not funnyMe: nope

Co-worker: You already have a child.

Me: You’ve already lived 33 years.  Do you still want to live another 33 or were those 33 enough?

“Him” - You’re not just allowed to be ugly like that.

Me: Why not…the situation is ugly.