crazy…sweet…painful meet
Today went something like this
Drive to Tampa
Drive to St Pete
Drive to Westshore
Drive to St Pete
I worked on an excel report that has about 100 slides and formula’s from hell on it.
Will I ever figure it out 100% or will I simply wing it as I go?
Watch me fly…..
I’m tired
I’m tired
I’m going to Dr. Oncologist in the morning
I still won’t know anything in the afternoon
I’m working tomorrow
And Friday
No more Friday’s off.
No more Sat morning’s working.
Tomorrow I’m calling a cab…to come to my house where I have a perfectly working vehicle…because I’m sick of getting lost going to Dr. Oncologist.
Every time someone replaces me…it’s a male employee.
I have more papers to write…
It’s all never-ending.
Tonight I met someone that I met yesterday but tonight I met a part of that someone that floored me. I said or he said that we moved away at age 19 because our parents kicked us out, disowned us, left us for emotional dead. I don’t know who said it but the other mirrored it and we stared at each other and the words flowed. And in that second I knew, we would be fast friends. I liked him yesterday. Today I was floored by the similarities of our experiences.
Especially when he said, “I used to tell people they were dead.”
I said, ‘I know, car accidents are short and sweet and easy to explain, parental dismissal isn’t.”
He said, “yes, exactly. Dead is dead, alive but not caring is impossible to explain.”
Me, “Did people ask you what you did to make them kick you out?”
Him “yes…as if that was my goal, to have my parents not love me. I did everything to try to make them care.”
Too familiar, it was painful to hear it….but not painful on my behalf. As much as it’s amazing to come across anyone that can “get it” ..that “getting it” of my childhood and past experiences…..
It sucks to truly meet someone that get’s it…because you know you can’t say one damned word to take it away either. That pain and longing and emptiness…it never goes completely away….it’s as if you are without family, an alien….everyone else has family picnics…while you watch.
Three hours prior to this revelation I had called my grandmother while in route, I was spilling my guts about my fears about my health….midway through the conversation she says, ‘Your mother is walking down my sidewalk, I have to go now.” *click* An elderly woman afraid of her grown daughters reaction if she finds out that she was talking to her very own granddaughter. Because….because that is ….a sin? Sometimes while I get that people don’t know how to cope with it, I think they simply enable my mother to be a whack job who tells people she gave birth to 2 children…when I was there ….there for 19 years. What normal person does that? So then that *click* is like further denial….even if I know in my heart it is misunderstanding and fear and a desire not to have to think about what her daughter did.
