Last night we went to the beach.  We drifted against the undertow and watched the sun tilt its head closer and closer to the shoreline until at last it was tucked in.  We were there…and we felt good.

Life is full of rough surf, tough terrain.  But our lives are also full of love.  Even as we struggle….I am grateful and I am not struggling alone. 

Rick went this morning for his test.  We will not have the results back (even though they are available) until July 10^th because my doctor is on vacation.  We will wait two weeks.  This is pretty typical in the medical community.  Hurry up and be tested and then slow down and wait to get results. 

I want to emphatically state that I love my husband and I did not marry anyone but a wonderful man.  Its crap that people have the nerve to talk shit about someone they don’t know.  And/or about things I do not fully disclose on my blog.  How can anyone truly know when I haven’t told you?

p.s.  I’m not telling my blog the results. ha!
 

Clomid can and does produce eggs.  My doctor already knows that he can induce ovulation with drugs that counteract the affect of PCOS.  The best drug to induce better ovulation is Clomid. 

There is no known drug to produce sperm or fix any of its motility issues.  As a male you can make poor choices that deplete your sperm count perhaps temporarily and perhaps you can make yourself sterile for life.  Rick has made poor choices and admits it wholeheartedly.  He is now making different choices but there are no guarantees that this will change the outcome. 

He has never had a sperm count/motility test done prior to Monday’s scheduled test.  We both know it will most likely not be good because of his poor choices and because of other known information that I refuse to publish out of respect for my husband, online.  If he has had a low sperm count his entire life it would be due to these same poor choices, not just because of recent bad choices.  IE: His fault.

I have been cleared to try for a baby.  I have eggs.  They are in my ovary and they are fine.  I would also like to state that I have already had a baby.  PCOS makes it impossible for your ovary to release the egg without assistance.  PCOS is also a natural disease and not due to any bad choices I have ever made.  They believe it to be a genetic disorder.  Both of my first cousins have it.  I believe I had PCOS prior to having my son, but PCOS is a progressive disorder and its symptoms get worse throughout the years.

I took ownership of my own health issues and went to doctors for over a year now getting them straightened out through surgery, medication, exercise, weight loss, dietary changes, etc.  I completely own my health, mentally and otherwise.  I am proud of myself for having done that despite my past experiences with the medical community.  It takes courage.  I’ve spent more time every month with my feet in stirrups than I have had them on the floor.  Its disgusting to me that anyone thinks a journey like mine is easy or that I am irresponsible.

The person who made that statement is a fool.  If I never took ownership of anything, I would not be a full time college student working my way up at my company through promotions, etc.  It’s crazy to think that someone who cannot even tell you who they are has a valid opinion of a life they only view through a 5% viewable kaleidoscope. (ie a blog)

And yes, I generally delete commentary who no one takes ownership of it. 

I want to say I emphatically love my husband.  I truly do.  I hate his bad choices.  I am trying to understand and put myself in his shoes.  We are not on the verge of divorce but for me anything that goes this miserably left makes me scared of what the long term affects on the marriage might be.

Rick is going Monday morning for his test.  We do not know how long it will take to get test results and or if the testing lab will give them to us directly.  I believe they will release that information to my GYN and that we’ll have to both report there for a scheduled appointment to get the results.

Keep in mind that sometimes if you are missing a key ingredient in a recipe then the dish will never be complete.  Some of you fools reading and criticizing me are certainly missing that key ingredient and therefore your making judgment calls based on half assed blog information.  Idiots.

If his test comes back negative, with slow sperm count and or motility issues, he can most likely take it again in 3 to 4 months.  It takes the body 90 days to regenerate brand new sperm entirely.  He would have a chance of changing the outcome if he also changes his poor choices entirely.  But that chance is also small because some choices affect you for life.

A sperm analysis test for fertility does not test for testosterone.  Whomever asked that question is misinformed as well. Educate yourself before you spout off and show how unintelligent you are. 

Sperm concentration (also called sperm density) is measured in millions of sperm per milliliter of semen. Normal is greater than or equal to 20 million per milliliter (and more than 80 million sperm in one ejaculation). The fewer sperm a sample has, the less chance a man has of getting a woman pregnant. A man who has just had a vasectomy would want to have no sperm in his sample.

Motility is the percentage of moving sperm in a sample. The more slowly moving or immobile sperm in a sample, the less likely it is that a man could get a woman pregnant. The progression of the sperm is rated on a basis from zero (no motion) to 3 or higher for sperm that move in a straight line with good speed. If less than half of the sperm are motile, a stain is used to identify the percentage of dead sperm. This is called a sperm viability test.

Morphology analysis is the study of the size, shape, and appearance of the sperm cells. The analysis evaluates the structure of 200 sperm, and any defects are noted. The more abnormal sperm that are present, the lower the likelihood of fertility.

You hit upon the major issues of Value Chain analysis, user involvement, and managng change and did it well. You did a really nice job piecing together the different aspects of the class into the final paper. (<---teacher commentary) 

My eggs are not old.  I do not ovulate.  I could go on fertility drugs but he will be flunking his test because of something he did.  Not because of “bad luck” or “meant to be” or “gods plan” or any other reason.  He will have low sperm motility because of his personal choices in his life.  Period. 

I spent an entire year trying to get healthy enough to have a baby while he spent his entire year doing the same old things, not improving upon himself etc.  And that is all I will say here.  There is an issue that is not disclosed here.  But his infertility issues are his own fault. Period.

It is not because my egg’s are OLD.  To whomever that idiot was.  Plenty of woman at my age have children.  Period.  That’s an asinine statement.

It also doesn’t “need to be” someone’s fault.  But in this case it is.  It’s his.  It’s not random either.  He chose and it’s his fault.  Or rather I should say “it will be” when the results come back on his test showing poor.  We do not have that test back so in the interest of fairness I will not say that it’s 100% his fault yet.  The test results will tell the truth on their own.

This is not a product of my fucking physiology either. 

The fact is if you do certain things as a male you will be infertile.  Period.  This is not due to my old egg’s or my PCOS or my anything.  This IS unequivocally his fault.  Period.

When I state that I am angry about being denied “family” three times in my lifetime I am speaking of a healthy family all living under one roof, etc.  I know that I PERSONALLY have a family. I have a child.  Rick does not.  And if he never has children it is not the fault of old eggs.  If his test results come back poorly as we both suspect they will now…it will be his fault and ONLY his fault. 

Both of my doctors have given ME the go ahead to try.  However with NO healthy sperm, there will be no baby.  Period.  Why?  I’m not going to disclose the reason on my blog for personal reasons that have more to do with my existing child than protecting Rick or anyone else. But it’s not my fault, it’s not old eggs, it’s not PCOS…it’s the high likelihood of bad sperm.  Period.  And those bad sperm are Rick’s fault.