not such a fun update
I’m going for this test this morning. Another missed day of work. Another day of medical professionals poking and prodding of my female genitalia. All for not.
I don’t believe Rick and I will ever be having children. And if this test comes back fine for me…then it’s solely on him. It’s his fault. His responsibility in fact. Not just a twist of fate but his fault. The only reason I’m even bothering to go is so for the rest of my life I know it wasn’t me….but rather him and his fault. And it disgusts me, because it could have been different if he were different.
The divorce word is flying around my head like a butterfly in a jar dying to get out.
I don’t think I can get over this one. I don’t feel like I even want to right now. And that breaks my heart.
So much for the last year of bullshit. Bullshit that he now says I did because they thought I had cancer. Bullshit. I went to the doctor’s not saying “Hey I think my uterus is jacked and I might have cancer.” I went saying, “I want to have a family.”
It’s that cruelty of not having a family in my lifetime….not once…not twice…
But now….three times.
Rick has not taken his test yet. I think he needs to, but only to prove my point. Only so that he knows, it wasn’t at all me…..or my HPV and/or PCOS. He needs to know that he’ll never be a father because of him. It’s his fault. His and no one else’s. He’ll be the only one in his family to never bear children and it’s not my fucking problem anymore. It’s his.
After today’s test I’m going back to my GYN and asking him for the birth control pill. Because for my longterm health I either need to take Megace (which is the cancer drug that makes you hungry) or I need to go on the pill. One or the other since the PCOS prevents ovulation and therefore my uterus becomes a mess without intervention.
I’m starting to believe I should have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache and just went through with the hysterectomy 5 months ago. I would have recovered already. That would have been a medical disappointment instead of a marital one.
If it turns out that Rick is the one who can’t have kids, is it because of something he did? Maybe I missed it in another entry, but you sound so upset, more upset than if he simply couldn’t have kids for a biological/medical reason. I hope things work out for you two
I’ve read this post and the next one with concern. I feel too that perhaps I’m missing something - but that’s ok. You don’t need to say everything, and because it’s your blog, you can blame whoever you want. It’s good to express how you feel.
One more thing, poetical. You talk about the cruelty of not having a family in your lifetime. But I know you know that you do. Your son and you make a family. Chloe too, if you like. And Rick, if things work out - I hope that they do. These are all families. And please don’t discount them.
HUGS! I have missed a lot. I won’t ask for more details but know I am here to listen. I have a wondering of what your husband’s behaviors were but there could be many. Right now my heart just aches for you. I have read the other posts and know you are WAITING right now. That alone can be the worst. I am sorry that people posted nastiness and singlemindedness - It seems you have deleted that. I will chat more but in an email…..Till then wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug from me….tehn go get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s - preferably PHISH food and indulge.
P.S. If you do have to go back on a pill I would recommend Yasmine to try. It has been great to me - aside from doing what the pill does - it has eased my mood swings and NO weight gain!