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The Hysterosalpingogram shows that my fallopian tube is clear and fine.  Watching the dye wiggle it’s way through the tube…was such a mixture of emotions today.  I started to bawl on the radiologist’s table.  They thought I was blissfully happy.  I said nothing.

It makes no difference because Rick is going to flunk his test and it’s his fault and right now I hate him.  Just pure hate.

The painters are here painting our house and I just want to kick them out…..make them go away.

I’m going for this test this morning.  Another missed day of work.  Another day of medical professionals poking and prodding of my female genitalia.  All for not.

I don’t believe Rick and I will ever be having children.  And if this test comes back fine for me…then it’s solely on him.  It’s his fault.  His responsibility in fact.  Not just a twist of fate but his fault.  The only reason I’m even bothering to go is so for the rest of my life I know it wasn’t me….but rather him and his fault.  And it disgusts me, because it could have been different if he were different.

The divorce word is flying around my head like a butterfly in a jar dying to get out. 

I don’t think I can get over this one.  I don’t feel like I even want to right now.  And that breaks my heart.

So much for the last year of bullshit.  Bullshit that he now says I did because they thought I had cancer.  Bullshit.  I went to the doctor’s not saying “Hey I think my uterus is jacked and I might have cancer.”  I went saying, “I want to have a family.”

It’s that cruelty of not having a family in my lifetime….not once…not twice…

But now….three times.

Rick has not taken his test yet.  I think he needs to, but only to prove my point.  Only so that he knows, it wasn’t at all me…..or my HPV and/or PCOS.  He needs to know that he’ll never be a father because of him.  It’s his fault.  His and no one else’s.  He’ll be the only one in his family to never bear children and it’s not my fucking problem anymore.  It’s his.

After today’s test I’m going back to my GYN and asking him for the birth control pill. Because for my longterm health I either need to take Megace (which is the cancer drug that makes you hungry) or I need to go on the pill.  One or the other since the PCOS prevents ovulation and therefore my uterus becomes a mess without intervention.

I’m starting to believe I should have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache and just went through with the hysterectomy 5 months ago.  I would have recovered already.  That would have been a medical disappointment instead of a marital one. 

Went to the doctor yesterday morning.  Everything looks good.  However I have to have an HSG test.  What is that…..

What is a Hysterosalpingogram?

Besides being able to detect uterine and tubal abnormalities, the HSG test has also been shown to increase pregnancy rates in some women. The HSG test sometimes helps to clear fallopian tubes of debris or blockages. This can enable some women with fertility issues to become pregnant.

I am not known to have fallopian tube blockage but they need to find out before they start having egg’s being released where they haven’t been in so long on their own.  Also, I like the portion whereby it states that this test may actually clear fallopian tubes of debris or blockages if they do exist.  So this is the first and only test I will have that may actually assist. 

I have read that there is slight cramping due to this test.  I imagine I won’t have any.  I never have any.  My uterus is either kind to me or just so tired of it all too.  I have no idea, but I am usually pain free. I am having this test done on Thursday morning.

I’m still struggling with work, learning how to do certain reports.  Being asked to come up with and compile numbers that don’t make logical sense to me yet. It’s getting there but I hate feeling stupid even if it’s temporary.  Also stressing because I’m missing work for all these tests, making up the work later in the day.  It’s making me nuts since I’m a conscience employee. 

Last night after work my right front end of my vehicle was making a bumping noise and feeling.  It felt like I was driving over big rocks. It felt unstable and odd.  I made it home ok and then this morning Rick drove me to work in my car.  We knew something was wrong, but low and behold the tire decided to die on us.  It wrapped itself all up etc.  It was a fine looking mess.  Thankfully I have Geico and have free roadside assistance.  I didn’t want Rick to pull the tire in fear that there was something else wrong with the car.  The guy showed up within fifteen minutes or less and fixed the tire.  I then went and bought a new tire for it right away.  I hate running on my spare.  So that was our morning adventure.  Thankfully he was off of work and this didn’t happen to me last night on my way home alone.  I woulda hated that.  However, I probably would have done the same thing and called Geico’s roadside assistance.  But still the whole experience wasn’t so miserable with Rick there.  On my home from work last night listening to the noise the car was making I was freaking out and I’m glad it hung on until I wasn’t alone. I also did try to get a hold of Rick (who’s phone got wet and so he turned it off and wasn’t answering).  I was getting frustrated but I never swore at him and I never took it out on him.  He was impressed.  Frankly so am I.  I’m so getting better with dealing with stress it’s amazing.

Right now I just feel drained.  Too much going on.  And about to start a finance class TODAY.  Lovely.  I just read the syllabus and someone shoot me. 

Oddly enough I am going through some stressful stuff and I’m a little down because of it, however I can honestly say I’ve never been happier in my lifetime. 

What a blissful weekend we just had.  There were many moments when we complained of being bored and then went off to make wild passionate love.  What a solution to boredom. 

They were supposed to come paint our house this weekend.  It never happened so we saved $100 this month because of this.  Nice!

I drank lots of coffee, tea and read lots of 3 different books.  I watched Giada go to Greece and that’s going to be my new obsession.  Greece was lovely.

I am going to OB/GYN tomorrow morning at 10:30.  I’ll be curious to see what he says.  I’m wondering if he’ll help me with fertility drugs or try to send me off to an RE.  I’m not sure what I want because he’s the same guy who told me to go get a Hysterectomy a.s.a.p.  However, he DID send me to Dr. Oncologist and insisted I get a second opinion so he knew that issue was not his forte.  The appointment is at 10:30 a.m.  So we shall see.

Today Rick and I went to Baywalk today and saw Knocked up.  We both laughed a lot.  It’s a cute movie.  Probably more so if you are expecting your first child or just had it.  The day was really pretty.  I wonder if he knows how much I adore spending time with him.

Later this afternoon I went to the bookstore and had a smoothie.  I read about the Alli Diet.  I find it interesting however with PCOS fat intake is not the problem, carbohydrates are and the GI diet is best.  Not that that even works wonders.  But the Alli book had some interesting recipes for muffins etc in it that had flaxseed in them.  I’m constantly looking for ways to get flaxseed into my diet.  It’s not like you can eat it by the handfuls.  Gross.

It’s been a sweet weekend…..that’s coming to a quick end.

I have PCOS. I have had this I believe since my son was 4 months old. That would be 14 years give or take. However, when he was a toddler I went to doctors and complained about headaches, extreme weight gain (that occurred after his birth not prior to). I was told to diet and take the pill.

After having Norplant removed I went into a form of denial. I was disillusioned with doctors and simply trying to raise a child and keep the bills paid. I noticed things about my appearance and health but I was young and tried my best to remain in denial because my frustration with the medical community and gynecologists in general was so bad at that time.

I did go to doctors and complained about headaches, weight gain, lethargy, overall tiredness, etc. I didn’t go constantly though. When my son was five I went to a planned parenthood and told them I never got my periods and wanted to know why. They told me again to go on the pill and that would make the periods come back. No one ever wanted to tell me what was wrong or find out why. Here just take more drugs. I refused because of such a bad experience with Norplant.

I was also consistently told to lose weight by doctor’s. They were mostly men and would constantly tell me my weight would cause other health issues. I would explain things and they would tell me “exercise” and stop “eating” so much. They put me in a generalized category.. I tried diets, I tried lots of things but the weight didn’t budge. If I lost ten lbs I’d gain back fifteen. I got to a place where I was grateful if I just maintained and did not gain more. Trying to lose it seemed to make me just gain more. Maintaining seemed a better bet for a long time.

It was not until after or during my divorce, sometime during that period of regrowth and rebuilding that I decided that I needed to face my health issues. I knew I didn’t get normal periods. I knew this was not good. However, I honestly did not know just how bad it all was. I was still in some denial.

Then two years ago I went to the hospital to have my gall bladder removed. I was reprimanded to the hospital and during my stay I did not have access to my normal beauty treatments. A nurse came in to take my blood pressure, noticed the hair on my chin and said “do you know that you have PCOS?” I said, “What?” She said, “Has anyone ever told you that you have PCOS?” I said, “No what’s that?” She said, “investigate, ask your doctor.” I was in a lot of pain due to the current gall bladder situation but I remembered her words. Once I was home a few weeks I went online and started to google the hell out of PCOS. I also began to see the light. I knew what was wrong with me. I had most of the symptoms.

1. Oligomenorrhea, amenorrhea — irregular, few, or absent menstrual periods; cycles that do occur may be heavy (heavy bleeding is also an early warning sign of endometrial cancer, for which women with PCOS are at higher risk)

2. Infertility, generally resulting from chronic anovulation (lack of ovulation)

3. Elevated serum (blood) levels of androgens (male hormones), specifically testosterone, androstenedione, and dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS), causing hirsutism and occasionally masculinization (hirsutism=excessive hair on face, chest, stomach etc.

4. Central obesity — “apple-shaped” obesity centered around the lower half of the torso. Inability to lose weight.

5. Prolonged periods of PMS-like symptoms (bloating, mood swings, pelvic pain, backaches)

6. Dyspareunia Pain during sexual intercourse

7. Androgenic alopecia (male-pattern baldness)

8. Acne, oily skin, seborrhea

9. Acanthosis nigricans (dark patches of skin, tan to dark brown or black, a sign of insulin resistance, which is associated with PCOS)

10. Acrochordons (skin tags) — tiny flaps of skin

11. Sleep apnea

Thankfully I do not have the last six symptoms. But of the 11 common symptoms I do have 1,2,3,4,5,and 8. The most annoying ones are numbers 2, 4, 5, and 7. My current OB/GYN upon my first visit asked me if I had painful intercourse. To which I replied, “If I had that I would have insisted to the dozens of doctor’s that didn’t want to help me that I must be helped immediately!!!” He laughed.

But there is nothing funny about having PCOS. The symptoms are hard to diagnose, or at least they were 10 to 15 years ago when I complained to a variety of doctor’s about them. I complained about excessive chin hair. Who has a beard at the age of 25? PCOS sufferers that’s who.

A few months ago some of my co-workers went to the restroom on a normal daily visit and came back making fun of a woman who was in there with shaving cream and a razor shaving her entire face. They could not believe she was in there doing such a thing and “WHY would a woman do such a thing?” They mocked her. I sat in my cubicle and fought tears. I can’t say that that woman had PCOS but something tells me that she did.

I have tried every method known to mankind to remove facial hair and quite honestly short of expensive and ongoing treatments, facial hair is most easily removed with shaving cream and a razor. I carry tweezers and razors in my purse allll the time. Facial hair is gross and not a PCOS sufferer’s fault. However, discrimination due to a health issue is painful painful painful. And feeling like a man instead of a woman, there are no words to express how this can damage a person’s self image and esteem.

Acne, I am prone to it. I use Proactive and clean my face often. It has improved due to Proactive. I do not have to use Proactive every day but I do have to use it weekly to keep acne at bay. At times it has been extremely bad, but I have learned how to manage it better. Acne too sucks and people are discriminated for it constantly. I also recommend and use Cetaphil. Cetaphil has no scent, is affordable and does not dry out your skin in order to keep it clear.

Obesity. Oh I have it for sure. When I go to the doctor and see the number that constitutes my weight I could cry. I was a size 11 prior to my son’s birth. I was a size 24 when I was 24 years old. I remember that clearly. 24 at 24. And not because I ate ten pizza’s a day and wanted to gain 90 lbs. Currently I am not a size 24. I fight and fight to maintain a size 20. Size 20? And I think this is good? That’s the way PCOS will fuck with the way you see yourself. I lost 6 lbs in ten days and my oncologist thought perhaps I had excessive uterine bleeding because people taking Megace (which I am currently taking due to PCOS and lack of menses) always gain weight. What does that tell you about how diligent I am about how I currently eat? Crazy diligent. Yes, I have vices like most people but I don’t eat ten pizza’s a day. I barely eat pizza if truth be known. But there are those ass-fucked people out there that see a woman who is overweight and make jokes about how much she must eat and how fat her ass is but they don’t know that she does in fact have a medical condition that she’s suffering with. Little minded people are everywhere in this world. Obesity is the hardest symptom of PCOS to handle. It was much harder for me prior to understanding that I had PCOS and wasn’t just fat for some cruel joke or because I ate too much. Neither is true. I have PCOS and because of that I constantly fight and lose the battle with PCOS. I have recently considered surgery to resolve the weight issue. After all it’s clear that I’m not going to lose 100+ lbs on my own accord with PCOS.

Prolonged periods of PMS-like symptoms (bloating, mood swings, pelvic pain, backaches). Aren’t these symptoms suspiciously like many of the same ones listed under depression? Yah I think so too. When I complained about these things I was told to exercise more and eat better. Yah sure. This was not in my mind. I didn’t feel “good” because PCOS means you are constantly sick. Yes you can improve your outlook and exercise helps anyone with mood issues but try jumping around your living room when you feel unfeminine and frustrated and your back hurts. Yah…enough said.

For years I had PCOS. I believe I’ve had it since my son was 4 months old. I believe I attributed my symptoms to Norplant side affects because I had no problems until I got Norplant implanted/removed. For all these years I have suffered, fought acne, obesity, excessive hair growth on my face and lower stomach like a fool. A fool who didn’t know better.

Oddly for years I didn’t care that I didn’t get a period normally. In fact who really cares if you skip that monthly pain. But it was also a form of denial. No one would listen to me and I didn’t want kids so it took a backseat to a bad marriage. Truly and honestly that is wrong behavior but I did it.

It was Rick…Rick who changed things for me. He changed the way I saw myself. He saw me. He saw me for who I am and what I am. He didn’t care about the things I was suffering through. He didn’t care that I was sad, pathetic and fighting obesity, excessive hair, acne, bloating, backaches, headaches. He just wanted to be around me, with me. He changed the way I envisioned the rest of my life. And when that nurse said “PCOS” to me in the hospital I remembered it and researched it and when I sat online late one night I was amazed. I was no longer secretly crazy and had no need to remain in denial.

The last two years of my searching for good health have changed me. I now know that I’m not fat because I’m somehow stupid or bad. I don’t carry around razors because I did something wrong. I also don’t get pimples on my nose for no reason. I have PCOS. I have learned to consider my symptoms nuisances and part of my life. I have learned to be grateful that I don’t have any of the other life debilitating diseases that exist in this world.

I’m writing all of this and being honest about my reliance on razors, Pro-active and Excedrin (constant achiness due to constant PMS symptoms) because PCOS is very real and is very misunderstood and not talked about enough. I wish there was more education and wish there were public service announcements on TV about PCOS. I wish the doctor’s I had gone to in the 90’s had known what the hell it was and told me long ago. The damage I have done to my body by not being properly in the know is very sad to me.

But, I’m ok. I’m ok now. I know I’m as healthy as I can be. I know that I’ll probably end up having a hysterectomy in the next 5 to 6 years. And I also know that I can take Clomid and try for a miracle baby.

Additionally I want to say that vitamins alone might help some of the symptoms. I recommend Cinnamon (in pill form), a daily vitamin, Saw Palmetto and a few other things that I can’t recall right now. Mostly I would recommend education about what is wrong with you, a full acceptance that you are not a freak because your ovaries don’t operate properly and that none of the side affects of that are your fault.

And lastly I’m not fat because I can’t control what I eat. I’m fat because my body does not process ANY food like a normal body does. If I didn’t watch what I ate I’d weigh 600 lbs and be stuck in bed. I’ve had people contact me via my blog and tell me I was fat. Brilliant deduction. As if I didn’t know and needed someone to tell me. And to the co-worker who asked me if I was marrying a guy who was “fat like you”….nope…nope I wasn’t and didn’t. I married a guy that is healthy and full of muscles and love for me. I’m a lucky girl. My current happy marriage has helped me cope, deal, and work on my own health and my own needs.