shishnit.org

When you were born you were small and precious and fragile and I worried I’d forget to cradle your head and perhaps it might roll across the floor.  I got over those thoughts quite quickly but there was that first night of your life when I held you alone in the hospital room away from loud sounds and wondered if I’d manage to become a mother who could love you enough. Not because it was hard to do, I fell in love the moment I saw you.  I worried because a little baby boy like you deserved all the love in the world. 

Then when you were two you were tumbling around and rushing down hallways jumping on our dog Nikki.  You were rambunctious and fun.  You were constantly changing and always moving.  And mostly you were always talking.  You and I did fun things together, we’d play with your toys and your favorite books and we’d bake cookies and I’d let you dump flour all over the table and make big messes.  When you were 4 you were sweet and contemplative and always walking around with crayons and paper and “drawing” a picture for me.  When we moved to Florida I remember fondly the days at the pool when you wore your swimmies and splashed around the edge of the pool.  There’s been so many changes and yet one thing has always stayed the same.  I love you more every day no matter what.

I could go on and on and touch on every year that you passed and changed and aged and progressed.  But the truth of the matter is every year has been wonderful and different and I’ve watched you grow up.  Sure by some people’s standards you are not done growing by any means but I sometimes can’t find that little boy when I look at you now.  I can imagine you being someone’s father someday.  I still wonder what you’ll be when you grow up, but I wonder less.  I know that you’ll be stronger than you ever think you are, more sensitive than I imagined anyone could be, and more lovable than I could have hoped for.

I have always told you that you’d be my best friend even if you weren’t my son because I just plain like who you are that much.  I’m glad that you’re my child and that I have been so blessed to have known you at every stage of your life.  I look back and can’t even begin to chronicle every experience I’ve ever had because of you.  They have been good ones and they will continue.

Being someone’s mother is a blessing that never ends.  No matter what.  It’s wild and crazy and joyful and still sometimes it’s scary.  It’s hard to care about another person more than you care about yourself and not get tired sometimes.  It’s not as though loving you is hard to do, it’s more that I want to do it enough.  Always enough to be able to say I am your mother.

I knew the first time I looked at you that you deserved all things good.  Sometimes I have thought I failed you and then I stop and see the person that you were, my memories never waiver, and then I see the person you are and imagine the person you will become to be even that much greater…and I know that if you just have gratitude for today’s blessings then all the tomorrows in the world will just be that much better.

You are the thing that I have done best, because I push myself to always do better because of you.  We had a recent conversation where I told you jokingly that I might not live long enough to raise another child…and in that one brief moment I realized….no matter…no worry….a new baby would have a seasoned mother….a mother that learned how to truly love from you.  A new baby that would have double my love because he or she would have you for a big brother.

Thank’s for making me a better person and thanks for forgiving me every possible mistake I ever made…it wasn’t on purpose and I always told you, “I’m sorry I’ve never been anyone’s Mommy before.”  I think I’m the only Mom where I work that has pictures of her older than a toddler child on her desk.  People there always ask about you because they know you are first and foremost in my heart.  It’s great to have a kid that makes you appreciate today and look forward to tomorrow because we’ve only grown stronger with time.  I hope that I have become better at doing this Mom gig by now….because you still very much deserve that.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind our lives together so I could hear your toddler giggle one more time…or watch you learn to ride your bike again…or maybe just watch you do all of it all again…because every day I’ve been your Mom has been sweet.  I always hope you know that you were very wanted, very planned for and are still very loved.  I know you know….but I still wanted to say it again!

Love,

Mom