shishnit.org

I still haven’t bought a paper journal.  That is on my list of things to do over the 3 day weekend.  I have been mulling over whether I should be true to myself and write what I want to write here or just write it on paper.  Either way I’ve been too busy to even buy the journal.  Go figure.

I’ve been talking to “him” about my stress level the last two weeks.  Yes “he” and I are still friends much to Rick’s chagrin.  He now has a vitamin store (brick and mortar) and an online version in the works.  He asked me to call his employee John about my infertility etc.  John was a jerk in my opinion.  He told me that I needed to take a Yoga course and do meditation and relax.

Ok ok so I know that relaxation and a lack of stress is helpful when trying to conceive.  Let me get that out there.  But, PCOS is incurable and this guy tried to tell me different.  Vitamin C will cure it according to him.  Vitamin C, Super Cortisol and some DHEA formula along with something called NutraGrape and lecithin.  Now let me say, I’m a believer that vitamins and supplements are a good thing.  I always have been.  However, I also do not believe that they will make a baby happen.  I think it’s a combination.  This gentlemen also stated, “some couples are not in a place of balance that will allow a baby to come into their lives.”

This is the point at which I wanted to hang up.  I didn’t because of “him”. Him is my friend but this John guy is a jerk.

We are in our second cycle. I am currently on mense wait.  I’m ok though.  This is the easy part of the cycle.  This is the part where I take pills that have NO side affects that are nasty and this is the point where I take a hot bath every night and relax and remain calm.  It’s the nice part of the process.

I am trying to find ways to hopefully remain calm while taking the next round of Clomid which is doubled from last month.  I have no dillusions…I am just trying to find ways to relieve the pressure and stress.  However, the side affects of Clomid are worse than the word “awful” can describe.

I’m done with the horrible Business Law course and don’t have a grade yet.  I’m now taking what is meant to be the “last” course in my program.  So this course is easy peasy and I’m loving it. I’m done with my 2^nd week assignments and the first week isn’t even over yet.  Go me.   I am loving the sense of having a break without actually taking time off of school.  Some people recently asked me how much longer I have. However, I need 120 credits for my degree program, which is the Bachelor of Science in Management.  I am at 72 credits.  I am more than halfway there.  Which is a great feeling.  Every course I take is five weeks.  So I have 48 credits left and 48 times 5 is ….me graduating in March of 2009.  Sounds like a far way away, but it’s really not.  2007 is nearly over.  I’m also exploring CLEP testing and I’m down to electives and may double up a few times to get done sooner.

Also..Nokia doesn’t make cameras…I was thinking of Nikon.  I suppose I was whacked out when I wrote that last week.

I used to really like sitting down and writing but recently and for the first time in a long time I feel restricted.  I feel like there are things I cannot talk about out of respect for my loved ones.  That is frustrating for me and I swear this weekend I’m going to buy a moleskin and start keeping a paper diary.  Now where to hide it from Rick?
Rick is very much like my son, sensitive.  I am the same way so I suppose I get it.  But it certainly doesn’t allow you to write openly about your own viewpoints about certain issues.
I’ve been busy with school, work etc.  That’s always a given.  I’ve been thinking about totally different things which include

1. buying a much better camera…Nokia or Cannon?
2. organizing my library….color or subject?
3. taking a break from school…this cycle or wait?
4. good mom or bad….check GOOD
5. the world is bigger than just my life….truth
6. buy pasta machine and make homemade pasta…no wait..just miss grammy
7. masters in psychology sounds more interesting than more business mgt
8. I will psychoanalyze my husband until he’s truly insane or sick of me…
9. time for me to go hunt down some lunch

Having a child and not wanting it is still worse than wanting a child and not having it. 

I really haven’t wanted to write.  The past month has been trying, difficult etc.  Being on Clomid is not fun.  Of course just like actually having a baby after it’s over you breath a sigh of relief and tell yourself that it wasn’t that bad.  But in all reality just like labor and delivery it is that bad.  I haven’t vented a lot of what’s been happening here.  And that’s been unfortunate.  However, my mindset hasn’t been normal and I forbid myself from saying and documenting the horrible things I was feeling towards all those around me.

I wrote an email a few days ago intending to send it to one person and inadvertently it got sent to someone else in Rick’s family.  My words were cruel and frustrated and they came in the midst of a meltdown.  His family member did not take my words well at all.  I can’t say I would have.  I apologized but somewhere in my gut it’s bothering me.  Bothering me that my words went to the wrong source that is.  Gah…  Also bothering me that those that should not judge ….always do.

Work has been insanely busy and I haven’t had a vacation all year.  The stress I feel at work is not even work related as much as it is my personal duty to do a good job at work.

Class has been nutso too.  My current teacher is atilla the hun.  I like the class and it’s challenging and I’m learning a lot but dang she’s a nightmare.  I even considered dropping the course, but that was the hormones talking I’m sure.  Because I carried on.

I went to the doctor this morning.  They did a pregnancy test.  I will have the results tomorrow afternoon.  I don’t feel pregnant and I think if the test comes back positive I will pinch myself for 9 months to make sure I’m awake and still alive.  I’m not nervous about it.  I have accepted that what will be will be.

Rick and I have pretty much decided that this is difficult….this drug makes you looney and it interupts your entire well being and balance in life.  We have decided to go on to do two more rounds and then if we are not successful we are going to call it quits on the trying for a baby.  I think our chances will decrease anyway and they aren’t good now.  We’re trying for a miracle and the results are really not up to us. 

Oddly I feel better knowing that I won’t be hammering away at my body mentally and physically for a long long period of time.  I feel a certain acceptance and even a near sigh of relief.  I want to have a baby with Rick….but wanting is not always enough.  I am trying…we will continue…but we have our limits…as do I alone.

I am going to write about this next topic because I have to get it out and off my chest.  My nephew Matthew is nearly 4 months old and STILL does not have a crib.  His parents bought a new car that is costing them over $500 a month due to bad credit ratings and yet they still have not purchased a crib for him.  He is sleeping in bed with them.  I know that many people choose to co-sleep.  That is not the issue with them.  They have not chosen to make it a priority for him to have a crib. 

It is difficult to view what I see as bad parenting by those around me when I am currently being denied a child.  It’s all mental crap and I realize that my mental crap elevates how angry these types of things make me….and so what.  In the end it truly enrages me that my nephew does not have a crib.  On top of that he does not have a swing, a bouncy chair…a NOTHING.  The kid has clothes….food…diapers.  Nothing else.  It is hard for me to understand why and how some people do not make their children’s best interests important to them.  I hate it.  HATE it.  And yes…HATE in capital letters. Incidentally Matthew….is adorably cute.

Clomid is hard on a marriage….and that is part of the reason why we have come to our own decisions.  My doctor feels fine about things to date.  I went in and everything looks fine.  Again…waiting for pg test results tomorrow afternoon.

Bite your nails with me……

Unconditional was a word that plagued my childhood, a word that plagued my teen years and a word that I can admire today.  I have come to find that I love that word for all that it represents in the way of full acceptance, respect and commitment without restraints.  When I was 13 I recall sitting in my room crying over something that happened that day at school that deeply hurt me.  I no longer recall the event that caused such undeniable pain.  I do recall the way my mother walked into my room and ignored my tears.  She saw them and quickly retreated to another room in the house.  I cried alone.

Since that point and time I have hated to cry “alone”.  I see it as rejection.  I have encountered ongoing issues due to this one event between my mother and myself.  I wish that somehow I could go back and erase that event for all the baggage that it created.  However, over the last few days I have come to realize that for all the bad things it created in me that perhaps it also created a person that would never walk into a room containing a hurting person and walk away.

I have also learned that you can talk a big game and then find out later that you are not truly following your own rules about things.  It’s easy to say that you treat someone unconditionally and then perhaps it’s not always the easiest thing to follow through on.

This week my husband disappointed me and within the same 48 hour period he exceeded my expectations by leaps and bounds.  In that moment I realized that this is how life is, it has peaks and valleys and sometimes what we hate we also love.

This week my son showed me the largest act of bravery I may ever see in my life and I’m so glad to have witnessed it and been a part of it all at the same time. 

I have unconditionally been changed for the better because of them both….and what they individually presented to me this week.  Love….boundless, fulfilling and startlingly perfect.