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I’m coming back to normal today.  It’s been quite a while since the last Clomid pill and I think it might be safe to speak to me again.  It’s been miserable.  Miserable in emotionally trying ways.  I got to the point a few nights that if I were my husband I would have tied me up and placed me in a closet farthest away from the master bedroom.  He didn’t.  We suffered seperately and yet together and in the midst of it I knew it was horrible. I wanted away from myself.  Hormonal hell.  PMS times ten.  It was bad.  Truly and utterly and anyone that says different musta not took all those damned tiny devil pills.

Somehow in spite of it all I managed to survive, keep working….but I have managed to do little else.  Including call back my own son.  When I find msyelf avoiding all human contact I know that it is “bad”.  I have been depressive,  manic, insanely busy at work with a true inabilty to concentrate beyond about a half hr at a clip.  Ugly statements have spewed out of my mouth like snakes slithering out from under a rock.  Ugly and slithering and just …things that should stay under rocks.

I have uttered things like ‘I hate you!’, ‘I wish I was dead right now!’ ‘I hate myself!’ ‘I hate this’ ‘I don’t want to have a baby!’

All untruthes…save for that hating myself thing.  I truly did hate the way I felt, the way I sounded, etc.  It was ugly.

I am now ok and I am beginning to feel like myself again.  Time to go to the doctor and see what’s up.  It’s like Kristy’s Adventures in Infertilityland only there’s no cute bunny damn it.  And scheduled sex…..yah that shit sucks!!! I mean the sex never sucks…..but putting it on a calendar…that’s a pure mindfuck if ever there was one.

And because I like to try to find something good….no matter what….some of the symptoms I hate the most about PCOS feel like they are diminishing.  Perhaps the heat in this hell is hotter than the heat of PCOS hell and therefore I cannot see the burns anymore.

I refuse to pee on sticks and make myself even more insane.  So I’m waiting to go to the doc…to see…and besides I can’t wait for a period to be late because…..PCOS=no periods.  I’m calling Dr. OB/GYN tomorrow for an appointment and a blood test.  And…god forbid a higher dosage of Clo-fucking hell ass-mid.

p.s. if you’re my wonderful existing kid…..sorry…Mom’s been a little f’n weirded out and whacked out of her mind with dizziness in the eyes….and yah….it was so ugly I could not share.  Sorry bud.