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October, 2007

  1. that bad “d” word….

    October 31, 2007 by shishnit

    Most of the time I forget.  Most of the time I don’t think about it at all.  This is amazing since I have a child in the middle of it.  However, and seriously, I don’t think about it unless….unless I read about it, someone else talks about their own situation and that reminds me.

    What am I talking about?  Divorce.

    I imagine I don’t think about it unless….and because I’m really just happily married.  That’s the part of my life that I DO think about. 

    Jan 12, 2003….that was a pretty damn cool day.  And then so was November 26, 2005.  That was another amazing day.  I suppose those two days and every thing in-between and since has pretty much erased the word “Divorce” from my daily thought processes.

    So tonight…when I traced back a link on my blog page and found a girl who got married not all that long ago…a girl that writes amazing poetry…a girl I met online so so long ago I can’t even remember or recall when and saw that she’s separated from her husband ….it hit me.

    What did?

    That fucking divorce feeling.  I can’t even explain it.  But it sucks ass.

    I’m now sitting here trying to will it out of my head….and thankfully it’s relatively easy because Rick is right beside me.  I’ll be just fine….

    I’m honestly thankful….that we’ve been together for soon to be 5 years and will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary soon.  It’s a sweet feeling.  But somehow I think once you’ve been to the dark side called divorce you can’t read about it or anything having to do with it casually again.  Once you’ve been through hell you are keenly aware that it exists.  You are also equally happy that you have all that you have on the other side.  To that girl that writes nine times better than I do on even my great day’s…..I’m thinking about you.

    To my husband…who loves me right back always….I love you honey!

    Category Rick, divorce, love and marriage | Tags: | No Comments

  2. high wire girl

    October 25, 2007 by shishnit

    When did I become this person that lives to learn?  This person that loves to eat information and digest it and regurgitate it back to anyone, someone, like a pro.  When did I get on the this fast track quest for knowledge and when did the thirst for it become unquenchable?  Who is this girl that I have become and how did I become her?  Why did I once think I was stupid and lame and unable to achieve?

    I can answer some of these questions.  I had a mother who did not teach me to believe.  She taught me to beware, be fear and be quiet.  She taught me that I was little and inconsequential.  She was wrong.  She was WRONG. 

    People said it would change me, this book learned journey.  I was a naysayer.  I just took one step out onto the hire wire and while I am not yet to the other side, I know how to keep from slipping too much, or weaving to either side too much.  It’s wobbly and scary at times and I want to get down once in awhile.  But I am doing it.

    Tonight I sat in a classroom for the first time in over a year.  A classroom with people and fellow students and an amazing Teacher I admire and have admired for 3 years.  I saw the professor side of him tonight and I was in awe.  The topic…religion.  What makes us question it, believe it, fear it, argue about it, etc.  There was so much that was said that caused my critical thinking skills to come to the surface.  I was alive.  Every beat of my heart was magical, every breath I took immense with power.  I was on fire.  I was on target and yet I was reserved and thoughtful and introspective and thirsty for more.  I walked out of class last, lingering, talking, arguing intellectually with my teacher.  The non all knowing but the all questioning. 

    I don’t know who this girl is, the one that slings her backpack as easily as she puts her left foot in front of the right.  The one that takes notes like a pro, filling up pages with vibrancy and life, the colors of thought so tangible I can almost pick them up and eat them.  The letters oozing into each other like drips of fudge syrup down the side of a sundae glass.

    My appetite for more is never less.  My pure joy at being in the moment, being where I am right now, is priceless, hopeful, exuberant.  As I sat watching a television clip offered up via a taped History Channel excerpt…I silently closed my eyes and thanked the powers that be, not any particular god, but whomever rather that could hear me…for all that I was before I found myself in all that I am now.  Not just for that but for the ability to see her.  That girl with the notebook of notes, backpack full of reference materials and  head full of questioning. 

    My closing statement to the teacher, ‘There is not enough time in my life to do all that I wish to do, I waited too long to believe that I could start.”

    His response, “For you time will stop long enough.  Just will it too without end.”

    He laughed when I said, “wait I have to write this down.”

    He then said, “Did you notice that you were the only one writing down notes?”

    No….no I hadn’t.  I wasn’t paying attention to anyone else’s ride.

    Category college, life | Tags: | 2 Comments

  3. hey Sigmund, I hope I got an A on this paper…

    October 21, 2007 by shishnit

    I’ve always known who Sigmund Freud was, but never studied him or read any thorough information about the man.  Today I spend hours reading about him from a Psychology book and also from spark notes about the man.  I was delighted to learn a few things.Freud almost always had a dog as an adult, and he like Martha Stewart for a long time, chose Chows Chows.  I have an affinity for Chow’s because I used to own two of them, one of whom for 12 years.  I still miss her.

    Freud had a long distance relationship for many years prior to marrying his wife.

    Freud started the “couch” in therapy thing because he didn’t like people looking at him for hours upon hours.  He found that if he asked people to lie down, they would study the ceiling rather than him.  This also reduced any unwanted influence that Freud’s expressions might make on the therapy session.

    Two quotes that I really fell in love with are “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’”
    From Sigmund Freud: Life and Work by Ernest Jones and “Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.”
    From New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis, 1932.

    I also learned that dogs being used for human therapy may have started with Freud. 

    “Dogs do many things to help people. One of their most unusual functions involves assisting in psychotherapy.  This all started with Sigmund Freud, who had a series of dogs, most of them chow-chows. Freud felt that dogs had a special sense that allows them to judge a person’s character accurately. For this reason his favorite chow-chow, Jo-Fi, attended all of his therapy sessions; Freud admitted that he often depended upon Jo-Fi for an assessment of the patient’s mental state. He also felt that the presence of the dog seemed to have a calming influence on all patients, particularly children. More recent studies have shown that Freud was correct. Physiological measures show that petting a calm and friendly dog actually reduces stress (as shown by reduced muscle tension, more regular breathing and a slower heart rate).There is even some evidence that people who own dogs are likely to live longer and require less medical attention. Freud’s dog Jo-Fi would alert him to any stress or tension in a patient by where he lay down during the session. He lay relatively close to calm patients, but would stay across the room if the patient was tense. Jo-Fi also helped the great psychoanalyst determine when a therapy session was finished by unfailingly getting up and moving toward the office door when the hour was up. Freud, however, denied the rumor that Jo-Fi actually did the therapeutic psychoanalysis and wrote up the case reports”. Freud   

     

    Category college | Tags: | 1 Comment

  4. double up!

    October 19, 2007 by shishnit

    My week has been nutso crazy.  I have had so many tasks to do that I feel like I can’t breathe.  I’ve been working late every night and coming home trying desparately to get a handle on school assignments.  I am going to be doubling up starting this Wednesday.  For me this means I’m taking a Psychology course online and beginning a ground course in Western Religion midway through the first course.  Crazy?  Yes yes I am. 

    M coursework is not hard or impossible, yet it is intense!  I have to write a paper on a major theorist for psychology and then another paper comparing and contrasting 3 religions for the first night of the Religion course.  They psychology paper is due on Monday, the Religion paper due on Wednesday night of next week.  Not bad, but the quick realization for me is that I had better get it together and get all of this done this weekend.

    This morning on my way to work I was in a car accident.  Ok so some guy driving a van rear-ended me during a sudden stopping situation n I-275 North.  Grrreat.  Just grrrreat.  But no damage to my car, or myself…save for a broken fingernail. I spent all day today whining about that broken fingernail to anyone that would listen…but truly in my head I was still shaken and somewhat panicked at the thoughts of what if….all the what if’s that could have happened.  A cop stopped at the scene immediately and it was hurried and crazy and no police report was even written up because there was no damage or proof of any accident/!?!  What the hell?  Like my work pal Chad said, “Dude he was on his way to Dunkin Donuts, he didn’t have time for your Pope Mobile.”  Probably true.  But all appears to be just fine, including me…save for my fingernail. 

    I also called today to set a hair appointment with the girl who does my hair now and guess what…she up and quit too.  But I asked the person if they knew where she was working and low and behold she moved from Regis to Mia and Maxx.  That’s about 1 yard down the mall.  Go figure!  So I called Mia and Maxx and got an appointment. I’m going to give this girl my email address with strict instructions to tell me where she is at all times.  I hate finding someone good to cut my hair..it rarely happens.  First the hot guy quit and now this….nearly lost this one.  But this appointment is for Sat at 10 a.m.  Am I nuts making myself wake up early on a Saturday for my hair?  I must be.  But perhaps this will be a good thing..an early start and then I can write these damndable papers that are haunting me all week.

    Things at work have been hectic because there was a major mgt change.  My former boss was actually demoted.  :-(   I find this to be sad but on the flipside it’s actually been a good thing for me personally in my job because I now have a gungho boss and her positive attitude is very infectious!  I’m hoping it holds out for quite some time moving forward.  Gah…I typed moving forward….what is happening to me?

    Someone that reads here (yah one of the 3 or 4) told me recently that my email sounded like a “college student’s” email.  That comment made me smile all day.  I wondered, “am I morphing into someone better….smarter….etc.?  I’m not sure. I suppose I am without having time to realize it.  Recently my NEW boss asked me if I was planning my great escape from work now that I’m so close to being done.  I emphatically stated no.  I believe this is soley due to my desire to gain my Masters degree.  Here’s the crazy thing, I can’t believe this is me who wants her masters.  ME?  And at least 50% of the reason is logical and 50% is solely based on the fact that my older sister never got her MBA.  Crazy right?  But if I’m going to do something for a crazy reason…why not have it be “Getting your MBA!”?? 

    I am in a Psycology course and I’m actually loving it.  Like a duck to water…and so this makes me truly desire my Masters not for more money or a specific job but because I can and I want to….yes and because my sister doesn’t have hers….yah that too.   

    The quest for a baby continues, just popped the first day of Clomid’s.  However, I am ok with any outcome.  Its of course disappointing but I keep thinking that there’s a plan, the universe has a plan for me…I just have to wait and see how it all turns out and since I don’t want to fast forward my days here on earth I must learn patience. 

    Right now, I’m going to go jump in a hot shower, and wash my long ass hair and lay under the ceiling fan with a good book.  What’s this one?  Sparks notes about Freud.  Sounds awesome doesn’t it?

    There’s only one thing I miss with this new crazy hectic busy working/college attending life….my creativity.  My “free” time. 

    One of my co-workers is nearly computer illiterate.  She’s constantly asking me for help, and I’m ok with this because she’s one of our corporate liason’s and she’s not meant to do desk work on a computer.  However, today she said, “Hey Kristy have I shown you my new Blackberry yet?”  I said, “No, lemme see!”

    She showed me her physical Appointment Book in her hand.

    For some reason I immediately thought, “oh for simplicity!” in a very longing type of way. 

     

    I long for paper with blue lines that tie my down to the page and make me, nearly break me open to the core, licking the seeds of creativity until they sprew food with new life, the fruit of my innnermost thoughts and feelings. I miss 2 a.m. phone calls, and trips in my car winding around yellow lines like a circus act walking tight ropes.  I miss that time…that time I used to have to play with my soul.

    Category college, infertility, poetical | Tags: | 1 Comment

  5. buze

    October 18, 2007 by shishnit

    School school school….write papers, study, read about Pavlov and Carl Rogers and Sigmund and dream weird dreams after too many theorists for lunch.  I’m busy but for some reason I’ve been coming home late every night after work.  I feel frazzled and tired and it’s the drugs and then the lack of them.

    And this time around, the bleeding, god I should be dead already!!!  Let it stop.  Perhaps this is a good since it wasn’t this way all along.  Who can know?

    I’m reading and that “all the books I’ve read recently” post is constantly on my mind. I just finished A piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown.  I liked it until the last several chapters where it became this “let’s tie up my life story very quickly” type of ride.  Hated that.  Also….Cupcake…cute name.  I like.  But why when I say Cupcake Brown do I think of a turd cake?

    Category books, college | Tags: | 1 Comment

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