shishnit.org

Someone at work asked me if our school system was out on break today.  To which I responded.  “I don’t know!” She then asked, “Don’t you have a son attending a Pinellas County school?  I said, “Yes, yes I do…but when it comes to my son I am on the Board of Directors but I am not involved in the day to day operations.”

This reminds me of an entry I’ve been meaning to write for a very long long time.  I have refrained from speaking about the following

1. my son
2. my arrangements with his father

I think, however, that it is time.  I recently spoke to another co-worker who told me that at the time of her marital split she too decided that her two children were better off living with their father.  And yes, it was I who stood up and said, “No, you’re taking him!” in regards to my son.  Why?  A few reasons.

1. his father made far more money than I (notice I said “made”)
2. he left me homeless so I felt that I was set up for failure if I took him at that time
3. my son was at an age that I felt he needed his father’s influence

My son is not too happy with his father recently and I won’t delve into how he feels or what he’s said to me because those are private conversations.  My ex-husband has fashioned his life just as I called it several years ago.  I said that he’d do ok for awhile..and he did.  I watched as he took cruises and spent ridiculas amounts of money on new cars, a new house, etc. etc. etc.  And I told myself it didn’t matter to me anymore and it was good for my son.  But somehow in the back of my head there’s always been this creeping feeling that I would one day be placed in a position to take on my son, and that was a strong reason why I enrolled in college.  I wanted to be able to take it on, if it were ever placed on me solely and entirely.  I had visions of what if’s that never ended.  What if he goes to jail for something?  What if he loses his job and can’t find another?  What if his wife leaves him and he starts to not pay his bills and goes into foreclosure? What if he’s still truly the same loser in disguise and it all falls apart for him again?

I then spent several years being berated for my choices.  And then I spoke to this co-worker that made the same exact choice as I and we “got” each other.  It made me start to re-think and think and evaluate my previous choice.  And I stand by it.  I chose the best thing at that moment.  I’ve tackled college in efforts to take on something I could not way back when.  My son speaks often to me about wanting to be with me over his father.  I refuse to be his constant “fixer” because life isn’t that way.  Life doesn’t fix every conflict you have.  You have to own it and fix it yourself.  I try not to let my son play me against his father and/or vice versa.  Being that communication only happens when I prompt it with my ex, this has been challenging at best.

However, my son is doing ok.  He’s probably learned more in the last few years than I could have ever taught him.  He’s bright, pretty well adjusted, sometimes teenage years are confusing and I see him struggling through certain things, but that’s nothing to do with the situation between his father and I, but just falls under “teenage years” category.

I’ve been dealing with certain things with my son and yet I haven’t talked about it here out of respect for his privacy.  It’s hard because I’m used to just writing what I want and not caring about someone else’s reactions.  It’s been very difficult in fact.  I like to examine where I am, where I came from, where I’m going, etc.  So the inability to do so here has been a drawback for me.  And I’ve already said more than I was planning to….enough said.  I have it all figured out in my own head..but it’s so hard to put it down into words when employing self censoring.  Gah…