shishnit.org

I just spent hours uploading my CD’s to iTunes. My CD’s have been sitting in a box since we moved last year. I really haven’t had time to even crack that box and I’ve been existing on every CD that’s been in my car for the last year and anything I’ve purchased on iTunes. But now I have some of my old and favorite CD’s on my iPod and this one simple thing makes me quite happy. It feels so good to hear Drownin’ by Sponge.

Then I spent quite a few hours working on school related stuff. I can honestly say that by and large I am like a machine where school is concerned these days. I know what I need to do and like a robot I go through the motions. I don’t have the same zest for all of it like I once did. I think this is due in large part to the fact that my current and recent courses have been things I haven’t really been excited by. Hopefully that will change soon.

I went to Target tonight for about an hour. That’s really all I could stomach. For some reason I just saw everything as Candy for the Eyes instead of necessities etc. I bought a few things and was looking for a gift for Rick for Valentines Day. I found little to nothing and ended up with shampoo and some flaxseed crackers. I don’t think that will suffice.

I did something recently that even surprised me. I paid his car insurance bill to help him out without even asking him or telling him but instead by calling the company and paying it all on my own accord. Who the hell was that girl who did that? Seriously the trust is amazing even to me. I don’t do things like that for people. Sounds cold and perhaps I have been but that’s what a grungy divorce does to you. You see, the month of December was hellacious on his work schedule. Meaning he barely seemed to be working much at all. I was starting to feel resentful because I was working every day and not always feeling so great physically or mentally and coming home to find him sitting on the couch or on his computer looking quite relaxed was working on my last nerve. But he busts his hump when things are normal and that time of the year is always slow. People, even rich people, don’t move close to or near the holidays. Not ever. No moving, no work for the man.

When I did it I even amazed myself because I didn’t feel resentful about it at all. I’m a very “me me me” sort of person after having to struggle to get my life straight after allowing someone else close enough to fuck me all over mentally and financially.

My credit report was pulled last week. My medium score is 640. This amazes me because 5 years ago it was 310, which is horrific. I was told by the person that pulled it last week that my credit score was good and I need not worry. Nice. I have to say the way I accomplished this improvement was not easy. I began to view my personal finances as if it were a job task and I tackled it the way I would take on a new project at work. I set up an Excel format to document all my bills, their due dates etc. It was very clinical almost. I had to remove myself emotionally from it all and begin to tackle it from the viewpoint of being completely cold and methodical about it. It worked. I fixed it. I have no idea how long it actually took because I never pulled a report in all that time. I just know it’s fixed now.

No, not everything is perfect but I seriously sometimes have to pinch myself because my life is so vastly different and better than it was before. The only thing that sucks is the son situation. I can’t and won’t ever discuss him to great depth here. Not now that he’s 15. He’s doing fine and we’re fine. Enough said. I just wish it was different and I could wave some magic wand. That’s more than I should say.