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October, 2008

  1. Dear Child of mine…

    October 30, 2008 by shishnit

    I haven’t been deleting your comments and if I did..it wasn’t intentional.  I get tons of spam.  But now that I found one to approve..you’re in like flint.  I love you like no other kiddo.

    Category family, keith, kidlet | Tags: | 1 Comment

  2. another Psychology course…

    October 24, 2008 by shishnit

    “The four hallmarks of antisocial personality disorder are egocentrism (preoccupation with oneself and insensitivity to the needs of others), lack of conscience, impulsive behavior, and superficial charm (American Psychiatric Association 13.4).”

     

    I read this passage about sociopaths or antisocial personality disorder and BLAM…that’s my ex-husband.  This is nothing new to me but what really stood out in this explanation was “…and superficial charm”.

    Oh is he ever charming.  He’s an attractive guy and he’s clean cut and always looks nice.  This is difficult for me to type or admit now because I so loathe so much about the man.  However, he is boy howdy charming. He can charm the wrapper off of a Charm Pop…yes that’s pretty damned charming.

    This one passage made me think back to the days when I was first getting to know him.  I was working at a record store, (yes back in the days when records were sold in…yah…stores!) and he came in and asked me for “L is for Lovers” the album by Al Jarreau.  He oozed charm and personality.  He laughed at my jokes and he looked directly in my eyes, making me feel important and special and listened to.  He wanted to know every detail of everything about my life.  He was what I would now refer to as suave.  No, not the shampoo on the cheap from Wal-Mart. He was just smooth and I never met a person more cunning.  However, in those early days I was blinded by his charming ways and didn’t see what he really was.  Now that I think back on those days all I can feel is victimized.  Yes victimized.

     

    Another bit of information available in my reading materials for this class is…

     

    “Unlike most adults, individuals with antisocial personality disorder act impulsively, without giving thought to the consequences. They are usually poised when confronted with their destructive behavior and feel contempt for anyone they are able to manipulate.  They also change jobs and relationships suddenly, and they often have a history of truancy from school and of being expelled for destructive behavior.  People with antisocial personalities can be charming and persuasive, and they have remarkably good insight into the needs and weaknesses of other people.”

     

    My ex…oh he had insight alright. He could figure people out and manipulate them into giving him anything he wanted and also all the while making them feel like it was their idea in the first place to do these things for him.  One thing I found shocking was this..

     

    “Evidence also exists for environmental or psychological causes.  Antisocial personality disorder is highly correlated with abusive parenting styles and inappropriate modeling.  People with antisocial personality disorder often come from homes characterized by emotional deprivation, harsh and inconsistent disciplinary practices, and antisocial parental behavior.”

    At the time that I met his family I thought he was so damned blessed to have two parents who seemed happily married etc.  Now looking back from a detached viewpoint I see where they just weren’t always right.  How I overlooked their downfalls because he made me feel less than because I “didn’t have a clue about family because my own mother disowned me”.

    Some of the things I read about this disorder are downright scary.  The long list of signs and symptoms, he has a lot of them.  Thankfully not all.

    What’s so scary about it all is that Ted Bundy had the same thing.

    I often think my own mother had some sort of psychological disorder; I just haven’t yet determined what it was/is.

    Category college, grades | Tags: | No Comments

  3. jon & kate + what????

    October 23, 2008 by shishnit

    I left the house early today to stop at Walgreens and pick up my monthly drugs. (why do they have to put 30 tiny pills in such a huge bottle?? Drives me batty!) Then I was running way early for work and I decided to stop in at Target and check out their book section. They often have books on my wish list but for far cheaper than the local big book retailers do.

    I didn’t know that Kate was writing a book but there it was for only $11.99 too. However, it’s only 190 pages with rather big font for a novel.

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    Now I confess, I am addicted to their show. I can sit and watch it for hours and hours without even budging. I think they are all adorable and it’s interesting from a psychological standpoint to see how they all interact with each other. I am often reminded that whatever tasks I have to accomplish are cake compared to their responsibilities. 

    I bought the book today and read it within a matter of about 3 hours. It’s a simple read through and interesting. However, you will not learn anything new from this book for the most part. You will not hear about their career’s prior to children, or much information about their personal decisions to pursue infertility treatments. Nor will you hear the real scoop on their television show or just how much they earn.  Nor will they talk about how Jon couldn’t get and keep a job and now neither of them has to worry about having a job. You will not hear about why Kate’s mother is no longer in the picture, nor what happened to her father.  She writes about her Mother being present when she was on bed rest but we all know she’s no longer present.  Why?  Nope, no answer in this book.

    There’s not a deep emotional level to this book. It’s lighthearted and dare I say it’s rather Christian in it’s play. There are passages from the bible and a whole heck of a lot of talk about God. I never knew this about them. I’m not admonishing it, but rather saying I was shocked. It’s a book that speaks a great deal about God and the importance of being saved and listening to God speak. These are all ok with me but bleah…..had I known prior to grabbing it, I probably wouldn’t have read it. And low in the valley of my world, they have not “saved” me. That stuff is just not my religious belief system.

    I also took offense to her claim that “I had P.C.O.S., I wasn’t going to ovulate without intervention.  This is not a true statement.  Many people with P.C.O.S. ovulate on their own.  Misleading information in a book that will reach millions I’m sure.

    There was no information about how she feeds her family (ie: no organic recipes), no funny quotes from the children. Most of the novel was focused on the early days, the ones that weren’t filmed. All pretty typical of what you would expect to read. I’m sure one day 10 years from now I will see my copy in my library unearthed under some other novels and wonder what ever happened to all those kids.

    After reading the book I did some online research and I found some interesting claims.

    http://gosselinswithoutpity.blogspot.com/

    http://truthbreedshatred.blogspot.com/

    All very eye opening.

    Category books | Tags: | No Comments

  4. reaching the finish line

    October 21, 2008 by shishnit

    I’m so close to finishing my undergrad degree and I have many options at this point. I’m rather bored with my current job, not because I am unhappy or because it is somehow bad, but because I am ready for challenges, changes, etc. I have worked the job for over 4 years I love the people and I love feeling like I’m working at home because I’m that familiar with everything. However, after 4 years of taking classes and being in the final few, I am ready for something BIG.

    However, I could continue on and gain my Masters degree for free. Yes that word FREE haunts me because one day I might look back and wish I had done it. Wish I had gone for it and just lasted out another year with boring work duties, etc. However, the bigger part of me yearns to spread my wings and fly and not just fly but earn more money and do more things with my time. I’m also equally tired of the work schedule I’m currently working. I don’t loathe it or hate it and I actually like certain things about it, however it’s not the schedule..its my strong desire to move on to new things. I need new things in my life.

    One thing that my ex taught me due to our constantly moving and moving from state to state too, is that change is good. I used to hate it, and now I’m craving it.

    This morning a friend of mine, who works for a company that I long to work for, contacted me about a job opening at her company. I would like to work there because it’s a government job, because it’s close to my home, because it has great beneftis and because the hours are phenominally good) sent me a job listing that the company announced within the company. I have sat here at my desk contemplating submitting my resume. My hands started to shake. It’s as if I’ve been on this path for so long it’s almost hard to believe I can apply and that I am now qualified. Not to mention the huge numbers for what the salary is, what it would be after a year and what it potentially can be after one takes certain tests. It’s good stuff. Very good stuff. I’m not a money chaser and when I do earn nearly 3 times what I earn now I don’t intend to become greedy and spend like an insane person. I see those digits and I think “security”, “safety”, “options”.

    When I started to blog I wasn’t in college, I was in a bad bad place in my first marriage and I wanted so much more for myself and yet I thought I had to make that marriage work to obtain what I needed. I had no idea what I needed, I only knew then that I was confused and on a crazy train going nowhere. I think now back to those times and I feel strangely removed from that girl. I recall her, I know how she felt, but I no longer know her at all.

    So much has changed, so much for the better. This morning the sun was pouring into the living room, bouncing off of our glass coffee table and I thought, “Wow it’s just so damn pretty”. Not the light…not the room, but this feeling, this feeling of being one with yourself. I’m there. My shaky hands are merely an indication that no matter how much time goes by, I am so grateful it’s hard to contain. I shake because I’m reaching my goals and living my dreams and I no longer feel trapped emotionally, mentally, or career wise.

    Now, to tweak my resume for the next few hours to polish it up and update it…with my outstanding g.p.a. and think about the possibilities. With that job I could continue on and gain my MBA, and sure I might have to pay for it, but I could pay cash and not bat an eye. Free…it was outstanding and I will forever love the company I now work for for all they’ve helped me to achieve.

    But right now this girl wants to unfold the wing’s she’s meticulously grown over the last 4 years and fly. But what’s amazing is that we have such a good life already, it’s like flying off into the big blue yonder…knowing all is well either way.

    Category career, college, friends, life | Tags: | 2 Comments

  5. we’re going cRAYSy!!!!

    October 20, 2008 by shishnit

    For those of you who might not know…Rick and I live within mere minutes of the Tropicana Field….so it’s quite exciting that we beat the Red Sox last night to take the American League Championship.  The first World Series game is happening here in St Petersburg…pretty cool since Rick’s a huge baseball fan.  Suffice it to say it’s a great day in Tampa Bay today because the Buccaneers also won their football game last night against the Seahawks 20-10.  Swwwweet night for sports fans in the Tampa Bay.  Feels like Christmas on my street today.  The neighbors were firing guns and everyone’s in a great mood today.  It’s amazing and we’re all pysched for the World Series in our town. Read it and go ahead and weep Boston fans…. We simply had more cowbell!!

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    Category Rick, life, world | Tags: | 1 Comment

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