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November, 2008

  1. you are what you eat

    November 10, 2008 by shishnit

    Because I work such a crazy schedule my eating habits have changed drastically.  I should preclude this entry by saying that I took two health courses in the last few months and they forced me to think about what I put into my mouth every day. 

    I am not a person that was raised on fast food or hamburger helper.  My mother cooked a dinner every single day.  These dinners always included a meat, potato, and a veggie.  While I’m sure they were not the healthiest, I know they weren’t fast food or junk.  I do recall a large amount of Kraft mac and cheese and hotdogs and lots of ramen noodles.  These things were always on hand.  When I think back to my son and how I chose to feed him, it was probably somewhat the same.  However, he’s rather healthy for a child and is almost extremely thin so he’s not overweight whatsoever.  I always gave him pretty much what we were eating and I tended to put more effort into cooking when he was a child.

    Fast forward ten years and all you hear about is organic, free-range, low fat, no fat, Atkins, etc. etc.  I read the Southbeach diet and gained a ton of useful information.  However, I decided not to go on a diet.  I decided to “take an interest in healthy eating” instead.  I did not ban anything but I do try very very hard to never go to a fast food restaurant and if I do, my choice is for Subway.  I also decided to keep an eye on portion control as well.  I try daily to get veggies and fruits and grains and make those portions the greatest portions that I eat.  BUT, let me repeat. I am not on a diet.  A diet alludes to a short term temporary method of eating.  I don’t drink soda anymore, and if I want soda I drink some, but not an entire can.  I’m also watching my sodium intake and my sugar intake. 

    I’m not insane about any of this.  I am just more aware and trying to make better choices.  Soup or salad, I’ll choose the soup provided it’s loaded with veggies and not cream based, etc.  The salad if it has more than water logged lettuce and no other veggies.  I weigh my choices and make the better one.  I now realize that fast food places are the durge of society and I think people that feed their families organic food only and then go to Mcdonalds on a semi regular basis are lying to themselves.

    Most days I drink a cup of coffee and have a slice of toast for breakfast.  Or, I eat a bowl of oatmeal or a bowl of grain cheerios.  I then eat a snack and then around 5 I eat a full dinner.  I work until 10 every night and it’s hard not to go home and eat everything in sight, but I would say 3 nights out of 4 I manage to succeed at not doing so.  Most nights I drink a glass of milk and or a cup of hot tea and that’s it. 

    Ok having said this, I have lost ten lbs.  I have not “tried” to lose ten lbs.  I have merely tried to take better care of myself by eating healthier.  It’s a nice aside that I’ve lost ten lbs.  Especially since I love myself either way…with or without that ten lbs.  it’s just a healthy side affect of eating healthier every single day.  I feel great and I no longer binge eat because I allow myself to eat more food than I was before because if you don’t eat candy and junk you can certainly eat a lot more healthy food.

    I’m really ok with who and what I am these days, in fact I love myself more and more every single day because I am doing the things that I have always wanted to do.  It’s not about that, it’s about realizing that eating more is much better than starving myself and eating the wrong things when I did eat in the past.

    This would never work for Rick because he would prefer to live on hamburgers and peanut butter sandwiches and cheese and bologna.  Most people would say he is thin, however I imagine if they sliced him open and sliced me open and compared, I’d be far more healthy.  I might even bleed low sodium V-8 juice!

    Category health | Tags: | 2 Comments

  2. being a mother…

    November 5, 2008 by shishnit

    Most often the thing I really want to write about is my son.  My son who is the coolest person I have ever had the fortune to know.  I think that most parents view their children as posessions and I have never done that. I always felt that Keith was on loan and that one day he would grow up and I would in essence have to give him back.  I was the one tasked with preparing him for life and assisting him in becoming his own person.  I saw my job as a mother as such.  I take that back, it was never a job to me.  It was always more of a blessing to have the chance to watch a beautiful baby grow into a toddler and learn to walk and talk yet it was always my biggest desire to nurture him and have him always feel loved.  I worried less about whether he was cold, whether he ate enough and more often worried that he felt loved, wanted and content.  I can’t say if I achieved my goal but it was and remains the thing I wish for him.  Happiness, a sense of love and a chance to be whoever he desired to be.

    In recent years my son is chartering new territory and becoming his own person.  Something I knew would happen one day. I don’t ever feel a loss for his childhood; I look back and always fondly.  I feel there are places where perhaps I failed him (divorce) and places where I have exceeded far beyond my goals (as evidenced by who he is now and who he is steadily becoming).  I don’t have regrets that go beyond wishing I could go back into his baby days and look at him again, or spend one more day with him as a toddler so I can push him on the swing and listen to his sweet babble.  I wish I could rewind and steal minutes from the past to re-enjoy them.  They were such amazing days.  But I do not regret having been his mother.  I do not regret my choice to always be msyelf and be honest with him.  I feel like I won the lottery when it comes to my entire experience as a mother.  I could not have ever asked for more than what he is, he is more than anyone would imagine wishing for. You cannot even come up with a wish that big.  Pure luck I tell ya, it was my pure luck to have him.

    Today he called and we spoke for an hour.  I ran off to an empty classroom and listened to him and talked to him and when the call ended I was again reminded of how much I adore the person who is my son.  He’s bright, articulate, engaged in life and he truly takes everything in.  He’s sensitive and emotional and yet grounded and always full of hope.  I’m sure he has bad days, being a teenager is a rough rough thing.  However, it is my continued hope that somehow I am always a light in his world and a good person in his world.  He has always served as a consistent reminder for why I should be a better person.  For his sake of course and more importantly because when you win the lottery you are compelled to appreciate it and give back by being the best that you can be.

    Oh, I am not perfect and I’m sure I lied at some point about the existence of Santa Claus and perhaps somewhere along the line I made excuses for things his father fell short with, but anything I did or didn’t do over the last 16 years was fully done with a desire to feed my son’s soul with only gracious and good things.

    As he grows I often want to speak about him, speak about the trying times in great detail, speak about his life as though it were my own.  I suppose because I am simply amazed and most often quite proud of him.  He’s a child who has friends and always makes connections to people around him.  He has high hopes that people will always be the best of who they are, he probably has high expectations of people like I do.  I want to find the best in everyone I encounter.  Sometimes this leads to dissapointment.  My son seems to make connections that are strong and lasting but not always with everyone, much like his Mom.  He is like me in several ways and then also my complete opposite.  The child does not like to read.  :-(   Oh but how I hold out hope that when he reaches 40 he will change his mind!!

    Regardless of what he is and what he isn’t and similiarities to me and differences, I love who he is.  I loved who he was at age 18 months, I loved him at 4, I’ve loved him ever yday since the day I first knew he was coming into my world.  I have never taken for granted that he would automatically like me, heck I remember hoping that he would love me and forgive me all of my faults.  Who can say if he does, but I think he does.  I hope he does to this day.

    Many people have opinions about choices I have made since divorcing, many people think I am wrong and that I shall pay for those mistakes one day.  And yet each and every time I am around my son, speak to my son and spend time with my son I am reassured that while my decisions are not the general norm, he is beyond normal and is amazing beyond belief.  I must have done something right somewhere along the way.  Or perhaps he was just destined to be a phenomenal person no matter what I did.  Who can say?

    Each and everytime I speak to my son my chest fills with a buttload of pride and mostly I think he’s amazing because he chooses to be so.  I think he loves me because I’m lucky.  I think he’s artistic and brilliant because he chooses to be.  When I think of my son and the fact that Rick and I could have no children of our own together, I am saddened for what Rick will never experience as a parent.  And yet, I have come to terms with the fact that I will not have more children.  I don’t think any child could have ever outdone the blessing that Keith is.  When you get more than you could ever wish for as a mother, it’s so much easier to stop wishing for more.  I think my wish was more that Rick would be so amazingly fulfilled by his own son or daughter…because when I look at Keith I cannot even imagine all that I would not be myself had he not come into my life. I would not have struggled to go to college, I would not have made it through many things in life without him to focus on. 

    Keith reads my blog….I don’t censor myself because he does, but I have truly not spoken so much about him or his life because his life is his own to speak about as he see’s fit.  I respect that.  But I would be completely remiss to not occasionallly say that I am one freaking lucky person because of him.  When I read blogs where mothers are bemoaning their responsibilities as parents, I am always saddened.  Children are a blessing and if you don’t want to put forth the effort for them please don’t have them.  And please don’t ever let them hear you negating their value in your life by complaining about what a brat they are at 3 a.m. or how tired you are.  Your children owe you nothing.  You are blessed by them and you should bless them by being the best parent you can be.  My son is amazing, all of the time.  Anything I’ve ever sacrificed or suffered through to be a better mother was a small price to pay for the joy of being his mother. He will never owe me a thing, I however, owe him everything.

    I love you Keith.  Thanks for making me a better person.

    Category family, keith, kidlet, life | Tags: | No Comments

  3. yesterday

    November 4, 2008 by shishnit

    Every single day I think of things I could write about and every single day I don’t get around to blogging.  Yesterday was Rick’s birthday. I gave him two tickets to the Eagles concert coming to Tampa at the end of January.  It felt odd to comit to something in the year 2009 already, but it’ll be a nice thing to look forward to for both of us now. 

    And what did Rick do on his birthday? HE worked. Poor guy.  However, at the end of the month now things are insane.  Sadly it is mostly due to foreclosures and people who need to be out by the end of the month.  I suppose his job is somewhat recession proof, but it’s sad that it’s for these reasons.  I do find it odd that so many people can’t pay their mortgage but have the large sum’s of money to hire movers. 

    After he came home I took him out to dinner at one of our favorite places in our new neighborhood.  The St Petersburg Ale house.  I love that place because of the sports and noise.  It’s never dull there and their food is pretty good. 

    After a late dinner we went to see our nephew Matthew last night.  He’s 18 months old now and he’s hilarious.  He walks around smelling everything.  I have no idea why but after he sniffs he either goes “mmm” like it smelled good or scrunches his nose like it smelled bad.  He did not talk at ALL.  Strange.  He climbed into my lap and was smelling my hair..picking up big chunks and sniffing in going “mmmm” and of course I cracked up laughing so he pulls my shirt away from my chest and sniffs and goes “mmmm”  and Rick says “I know buddy I know….it’s good stuff in there!”   It was hilarious…but perhaps you had to be there.  I was rather bummed that I forgot to grab my camera because he was certainly making some cute faces for sure.

    I just finished my Creative Writing course and think I scored another perfect A.  I’m finishing an Intro to Psychology class and then it’s onto another Literature class and I will be done in mid February finishing up with an Environment (go green) type of class.

    PSY/103 INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY 3.00 10/21/2008 11/24/2008
    ENG/125 LITERATURE IN SOCIETY 3.00 11/25/2008 01/12/2009
    SCI/256 PEOPLE, SCIENCE AND THE ENVIRONMENT 3.00 01/13/2009 02/16/2009

    Most of what I think about writing is far more interesting than the things I write down.   But lately life is sweet and I don’t feel the need to write at all. I’m too busy enjoying the day to day act of being in the now.  Most often I think about writing about things that happened yesterday and when yesterday is gone I’m more concerned with living in today away from the computer as much as both work and school will allow for.

    Category college, family, grades, keith, life, love and marriage, meme | Tags: | 1 Comment

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