I never thought I would be cured of my arms length disease when it came to love and affection and being all gushy and lovey dovey. Those have long been hard things for me to succumb to 100% body mind and soul. I have always had this big fear that if I let myself fall I would just hit the ground face first.
Rick succeeds because he has some way of making me (is it “allowing me”…no no it is ”freeing” me) to jump without a parachute, without fear, just because it all feels so damned good I forget to feel the fear just long enough to have realized that I have nothing to fear but the not letting myself enjoy the entire all over inner and outter fall.
And for most this will make no sense, but I wish I could mail my first therapist Bernie a letter. Because finally…my first thought is to kiss him back, squeeze his hand back and I’m doing it….just doing it….without worry for what might come.Â
Oh loving someone with so many scars mustn’t be easy for Rick. Can not have been…..so much to spackle over, so many hole’s to repair….so much time to invest and wait and hope….
I love you Rick….I love you so much, but it no longer scares me…it no longer fills me with fear. I will never lose you because in my heart you will forever be. You said you would try harder, and I heard that I needed to try harder but I finally get it. I need to stop trying and just let it be…it’s always been there but now I finally see. I also now understand what they say when they say “falling in love”. I’ve been walking near the edge, peeking over and while I have loved you….I have been too often too scared to show you and for all of my scars, my trepidation, I’m sorry honey.