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January, 2009

  1. jumping for love without fearing a fall

    January 25, 2009 by shishnit

    I never thought I would be cured of my arms length disease when it came to love and affection and being all gushy and lovey dovey.  Those have long been hard things for me to succumb to 100% body mind and soul.  I have always had this big fear that if I let myself fall I would just hit the ground face first.

    Rick succeeds because he has some way of making me (is it “allowing me”…no no it is ”freeing” me) to jump without a parachute, without fear, just because it all feels so damned good I forget to feel the fear just long enough to have realized that I have nothing to fear but the not letting myself enjoy the entire all over inner and outter fall.

    And for most this will make no sense, but I wish I could mail my first therapist Bernie a letter.  Because finally…my first thought is to kiss him back, squeeze his hand back and I’m doing it….just doing it….without worry for what might come. 

    Oh loving someone with so many scars mustn’t be easy for Rick.  Can not have been…..so much to spackle over, so many hole’s to repair….so much time to invest and wait and hope….

    I love you Rick….I love you so much, but it no longer scares me…it no longer fills me with fear.  I will never lose you because in my heart you will forever be.  You said you would try harder, and I heard that I needed to try harder but I finally get it.  I need to stop trying and just let it be…it’s always been there but now I finally see.  I also now understand what they say when they say “falling in love”.  I’ve been walking near the edge, peeking over and while I have loved you….I have been too often too scared to show you and for all of my scars, my trepidation, I’m sorry honey.

    Category Rick, love and marriage | Tags: | No Comments

  2. Friday fun day and bad parenting

    January 24, 2009 by shishnit

    Yesterday Rick and I spent the entire day together doing lots of nothing and lots of somethings.  I cannot tell him or my blog how much I love those days.  We got up together in the morning and decided to go and catch “The Reader” with Kate Winslet at noon.  We grabbed some lunch together before the movie.  I have been wanting to go see this movie but I hate to go to that area of town myself.  The movie was fantastic.  I read the book and it does not stay entirely true to the book but it’s very close.  The funny thing is the parts they changed were the parts Rick didn’t think made sense and since he didn’t read the book I found that interesting.  Kate Winslet was amazing in the film.

    We then went to the bookstore and drank some large hot teas together.  He perused a poker self help book, not that he really needs it since it seems that lately he’s constantly winning money.  Lucky dog!  And then we had dinner at Macaroni Grill.  I had chicken cannelloni and now I’m dying to make it myself at home. I’ve never made it but there are tons of recipes online so I’m going to give it a try in a few weeks.

    After dinner we came home and watched Wife Swap on TV, that show cracks me up.  After that we watched Nanny 911.  That show always ends up pissing me off.  4 year old’s in diapers and drinking from bottles.  Babies should come with instruction manuals because people are total retards.  I also don’t understand why disciplining children is so hard for some. I think it’s because they forget that as parents you are there to raise your children and it’s not a game and they’re not too cute to discipline.  This woman on the show last night kept saying, “I can’t be serious because they crack me up” in reference to her children. I don’t find children that misbehave and are disrespectful to their own parents to be something silly that you as the parent laugh at.  My ex and I were pretty hardcore with Keith as a young toddler and while he was adorable we didn’t find his bad behavior to be funny or “cute”.  His bottle was thrown away at age 1, the night before his birthday in fact and he was potty trained at age 2.  People merely don’t want to put the work into parenthood and find it easier to just let their kids run the show.  It’s too hard to listen to them cry and teach themselves how to go to sleep.  Keith was sleeping in his crib from day one in his own room and I never had a sleeping problem with him.  Never.  I realize he could have just been an angel child, that’s in fact highly likely because he’s always been a blessing, but I watch how people are the worst parents in the world and it pisses me off.  I adamantly told Rick last night, “This show pisses me off because I was a great mother and God robbed me of the chance to have more children and these bozo’s have 4!!!”  Recently I read about someone who locked their child up in her room at night because she kept leaving the room.  Don’t those parents worry about a fire.  They claim that if a fire broke out they know where their child is.  That assumes that they will wake up, know, and be able to save her.  They don’t even give her an opportunity to save herself?  Why not discipline properly??  My son never got up at night and roamed around because we disciplined him well. And no locking a 3 years old in their room is far different than having a baby in a crib. A baby stays in the crib, ie: if there’s a fire the firemen can look in the crib where voila the baby will be.  A child locked in a room could be under the dresser, in the closet, anywhere in the room…far harder to find in an emergency.  Certainly makes you wonder if they can’t discipline do they bother to teach their kids what to do if a fire broke out.  I mean surely a 3 year old can simply attach a ladder to her window and get herself out too.  not!

    And yes, I still and will probably always resent that fucktards have tons of kids. 

    This is not to take away from the great day I had with Rick yesterday because it didn’t.  It was fantastic.  He knows that the biggest and only thing I ever really want from him is his time and attention and when we have opportunities to spend the day together like that, I am all bliss.  Even despite stupid reality shows on TV and dumb mommy bloggers all over the Internet.

    Category Rick, infertility, love and marriage | Tags: | 1 Comment

  3. love prevails

    January 21, 2009 by shishnit

    One night last week I came home from work and went into the kitchen to wash my hands, something I do every night and probably always as soon as I get into my house.  Rick walked up to me and held out a jewelry box.  The box contained a gold cross necklace with three diamonds lined up on the cross.

    This was a surprise.

    I have now completely forgotten about that holiday snafu.  However, I felt it only fair to mention that more than 95% of the time, Rick gets it right. He loves me, and I have seen it all over his face so many times it makes my heart swell just to recall that look. And it was rather nice to be surprised on a normal day in January.

    Category Rick, love and marriage | Tags: | 1 Comment

  4. my b.f.f.

    January 20, 2009 by shishnit

    I joke a lot with Rick about his B.F.F.’s.  But I shouldn’t because my best friend forever is Canadian.  We have been friends since 1984.  Neither of us is really that old either.  Today we were discussing politics.  This is nothing new.  We discuss everything.  She’s a person I speak to often but speak about barely.  She’s like my extra invisible or phantom arm, always there, but no one can see it, yet I feel it constantly in my life.

    When she and I began our friendship it was because of a Tiger Beat magazine.  Someone in my American Jr. High school submitted an ad in the magazine seeking pen pals.  Carla replied to my classmate.  The girl who wrote the ad got way too many responses and brought them into school and the English teacher decided to use them as a project.  That English project became my life long friend and eventual maid of honor in 2005 when I married Rick. 

    Carla is much like me in that I believe I matter to her a great deal too, however neither of us gush to each other about our feelings.  On occasion I let something slip and it is received quite silently; however I have no doubt that she is just like me.  She, like myself, has few in person girlfriends and yet our friendship is consistent, strong and a life thread.  I love her.  A lot.

    We started out writing massively long letters to each other. I used to write in a plain old notebook for weeks and then I would receive a letter from her, spend two days answering it and then mail my book sized letter back to her.  It was quite archaic by today’s Internet standards.

    One night while feeding Keith (when he was a baby) in the wee hours I heard about a fire in her hometown of St Johns, Newfoundland on the television (CNN I believe) and I called her house (at 5 a.m. her time) in a panic wanting to make sure she was indeed ok.  I recall that her father thought it was quite sweet that I would call all the way from the states to ask about her safety.  At that point we had been friends for 8 years.

    So…sometimes, like today, when we discuss politics and she includes links to things happening in Toronto, where she lives now, I am still in awe of how immediate our friendship can now be because of technology.  We can instantaneously connect and that’s a wonderful thing when I can remember being a 14 year old girl ripping envelopes to hear how my friend was.  I still sometimes pinch myself at the fate, the sheer luck, the magnitude of our friendship.  This year we will have been friends for 25 years.  Little else in my life has lasted that long, in fact outside of my relationship with my Aunt DeDe and my Grandmother…nothing has.

    She emailed me this morning to talk about the inauguration….even though she’s Canadian. 

    Through all my moves in life…I still have her first letter.  Through everything I have been through and all that I have lost, I’m increasingly grateful over the years, that I found her.

    Here she is with her longtime live-in boyfriend Tim.  I love her.

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Category friends | Tags: | 1 Comment

  5. what should he read?

    January 20, 2009 by shishnit

    Today someone in my class wrote this in response to my statement that the world may sometimes be uncivilized and contain evil but we all have a choice as to how we personally choose to behave. 

    I only accept the nature of life, not necessarily the nature of wrong doings. What is thought of as immoral to one person can be seen as ethical to another, and vice versa. This is due to the difference in the way humans perceive things, which is part of the intricacy of mankind….  a great philosopher once said “During the time men live without a common power to keep them all in awe, they are in that conditions called war; and such a war, as if of every man, against every man.” … that was Thomas Hobbes. I recommend you read a very important book called “Lord of the flies” by William Golding…. it may enlighten your ideas of right and wrong in civilization.

    A person’s environment does not draw him towards good or evil, nor is he or she born with it inside. Humans have instincts that are not affairs of good and evil, but of survival. It is ones perception of their environment that sometimes causes them to act in such a manner that would be perceived as “evil” by others…. 

    To which I quickly responded

    I respectfully disagree.  I am far more positive thinking than this.  I have read Lord of the Flies and I don’t consider it an important book. It is a fiction book chockfull of allegories. If I landed in an uncivilized world, I would still desire to be civilized myself.  I still believe it is a choice we all make.

    Lord of the Flies is an important book?  There’s so much talk about what Obama read’s or should be reading. I hope he’s not reading Lord of the Flies and considering it uber important.  Feel free to disagree with me but it’s scary to me that anyone would call this book their personal Bible.  I believe evil exists, but I do not have to choose to be a part of it.  I don’t think Lord of the Flies is a bad book, I just don’t consider it Biblical.

    Incidentally today I listened to the Innaguration in my car on AM radio, so low-tech it was ridiculas.  However, I will remember where I was and more importantly I will remember how I felt.  I choose to live in a world where I believe that goodness is far more powerful than evil, especially with strength in numbers.  I will never see the world as negatively as my classmate does. 

    Category books, college | Tags: | 1 Comment

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