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June, 2009

  1. Earth has no pain that heaven cannot heal

    June 29, 2009 by shishnit

    but I will miss her.

    Yesterday Karen passed away.

    Category friends | Tags: | 2 Comments

  2. cosmic

    June 27, 2009 by shishnit

    How is it that you can love someone that you have never met? How is it that I called my Grandmother and asked her to pray?  How is it that I’m sitting here crying.  This is why I’m crying

    Karen is one absolutely fantastic woman.  A woman who’s book made me laugh, cry, and laugh even some more.  Her book is far far better than most memoirs I have read to date.  Truly.  She is a fine lady who has given me the absolute best advice over the years.  The most recent being here.  When she left that message I had a long conversation with Rick that night.  We made up and resolved that marital bump in the road because of her. Because of her wisdom and her willingness to step up and give me some advice. We had an email exchange that went far deeper into the topic than what was even on that blog post.  She continued to step up and talk me through my own confusion and pain.  She truly helped me. AND it was not the first time she ever did that, I really can’t fathom it being the last time.  I just found every email she ever sent to me and she signed them all

    Friend,

     
    Karen

    I’ve been following along with her life (you know….reading her blog) since August of 2001 when I started my own diary over at diaryland.  That is a very long time to have someone be a part of your every day life.  When I sent out a graduation announcement email it was her response (after watching my former trainwreck of a life and hanging in there through many many aggravating blog posts and her following through my transformation always encouraging me) that truly made me cry with self pride.  She truly aknowledged my accomplishment like few other people have.  She touched me so so many times. 

    I am so so heartbroken. I think I’m going to go sit in a dark room now and cry.   She’s exactly the type of woman I wish I had had for my very own mother….she has never been just a “friend” to me or just a “blog” I read.  I wish I would have told her exactly  these words “I wish you were my Mother” because I thought it so so many times over the years.  I’ve always wanted a mother, not mine….but someone like Karen…someone exactly like Karen. I love her.   

    Category family, friends, life | Tags: | 2 Comments

  3. divorce is not worthy of a “big announcement” shame on you T.L.C.

    June 23, 2009 by shishnit

    I can’t believe that TLC advertised the announcement of a marital separation.  What the hell is wrong with this world?  I mean isn’t TLC the letters standing for “The Learning Channel”?  What in the world can we “learn” from this mess?  The pursuit of fame and fortune and the consent to broker your own offspring for a monetary means to an end will end your marriage?  C’mon, what did they think would happen? 

    I personally can only focus in on the notion that I too separated and got divorced when my son was 11 years old. I knew then it would have implications.  I spoke about those implications for weeks to my ex….begging him…telling him that at the very least we needed to find a therapy program for Keith, someplace for him to go with all of his own pain and angst about and over the divorce.  I never found that place and heck he left me homeless.  I started to focus on fixing my life, going to college, healing my own heart and soul.  That could have been a mistake. Perhaps I needed to forgo finding and/or seeking my own stability and focus in on Keith. Sadly, I did not have that strength or vision and hindsight (as always) is a bitch.  I made some mistakes, I am sure of it.  For the first few years after the divorce I saw Keith all the time.  Then he hit a certain age and we faltered, he distanced himself, I took it personally and would call and call but then eventually I stopped.  I experienced much of the same feelings when I was 19 and my mother would not take my calls or return my feelings.  My son distanced himself most likely in the process of making his own friends and trying to cope with everything his own way.  (I cannot really say, because I cannot really speak for him).  For the past few years I have rarely blogged about my son, the divorce situation (because regardless of what the court says, divorce is never final…you still have a child you share and you never stop having to speak to each other).

     Seemingly much like Kate, it was my ex-husband who filed the paperwork and sought the divorce, not I.  I wanted to go to counseling (even though now I see that would have never worked!!)  I am curious as to who filed those papers, him or her.  I don’t think you can jointly file.  In fact I’m pretty sure you can’t.  (But then again I’m not an attorney), but my desire to know is mere curiosity.

    This morning my son told an early drug deterrent program director that he’s been smoking weed since he was 14.  So, within 3 years of our divorce my son began a road to a drug problem.  I have avoided discussing things happening with him out of respect for him but recently I have begun to ask myself and wonder about how much that same said son respects me.  He misses mother’s day, my birthday, and he takes things without asking, he never calls and he seemingly has put himself as top priority in his life.  I have spent many nights staring at the ceiling worrying about him, wondering what I could have or should have done differently.  These things have been heartbreaking to me because while I have not been perfect, I have always loved him.  I have only blogged the “good” things in an effort to focus in on the good things and stop allowing the bad things to rip me apart, and rob me of all other joy in my life.  Good things in terms of my relationship (or rather non-existence of one) with my son.  He’s reached a point of his life where his own friends and interests have overtaken his desire to spend time with me.  We’ve somehow lost a close connection and it bothers me…a lot.  It’s hard to write 6 years of events in one blog post, so please be respectful that this is just a peek into our reality.

    His father’s actions have had widespread consequences.  I am not innocent in the failure of that marriage; I was confused for a long time. It is quite difficult to be married to a sociopath.  Truly it is.  While reading, “The Executioners Song” I started to realize quickly that Gary Gilmore is/was a sociopath and that is why his letters were so entrancing to me. I already was victim to a sociopath in the past. I found my ex to be quite charming and alluring for quite some time, even as he was destroying me in the process.  Gary Gilmore’s letters and interviews were quite engaging and while to many they may come across clearly as bad, to me I was attracted.  I’m sure that says something about how fucked up I am somehow.

    Some of the consequences of my divorce are nearly impossible for me to discuss at great length. A few years ago I simply got tired of being a train wreck and have since learned to compensate, cope, and thrive despite these things.  They can be quite upsetting and yet I have closed off that portion of my life as far as blogging was concerned.  I will probably never discuss the full details of my son’s problems here because they are his.  And because I love him.  A lot. 

    Oddly enough I speak to his father more now than I ever did, because we both love that same said child and we’re trying desparately to help him.  I have felt resentment towards the entire situation because it was not my choice to allow our lives to fall apart. It wasn’t my choice to get divorced.  It was all thrust upon me.  I remember speaking about statistics and “children of divorce” and the potential harm we could be causing our child.  He either a. didn’t listen or b. didn’t agree or c. all of the above. I can’t speak for my ex-husband.  I have tried, it never works.  We are two different people with entirely different idea’s about raising a child.  I don’t know how that happened because we were on the same page for all those years previous to our split.

    I wanted to go get help. I wanted to resolve the issues back when my son was 7 and 8 and 9 years old.  It just didn’t pan out that way because I did not have a willing partner.  I see Jon Gosselin as this same way.  I cannot however make any judgement calls because like all marriages, theirs is something only they know enough about to judge it.  I wish them well.  I hope the consequences of their choices today do bring that ever elusive “peace” that Kate keeps speaking of.  However, after 6 years of divorced aftermath, my hopes are not high. In fact, I have yet to meet any divorced person with children who will tell you a happy story and usually it is the kids that suffer the most.  If you’re reading this and you know someone to the contrary, count those people as very very lucky.

    Suffice it to say, I love my child more than life itself, but that divorce back in 2003 has caused so much pain.  Pain I cannot erase.  Pain I can only apologize for.  Pain that his father cemented in stone the day he went and filed for divorce.  That divorce may have brought me personal peace and happiness within the life I’ve had to work hard to rebuild…but it has not brought peace to my son.  For that, Keith, I am eternally sorry.  I love you so much and I’m so very sorry.

    Just imagine the Gosselin 8 passing around a bong.  Trust me when I say, it could happen. 

    Category divorce, love and marriage | Tags: | 4 Comments

  4. I did it!

    June 22, 2009 by shishnit

    Remember when I signed up for the chubby chunkster challenge?  yah I almost forgot too.  But considering that I just finished a 1,072 page book I’m wondering if I’ve met the challenge. 

    *The Chubby Chunkster - this option is for the reader who has a large tome or two to read, but really doesn’t want to commit to more than that. 2 books is all you need to finish this challenge.


    And yes…I actually read all of The Executioners Song by Norman Mailer. I am still digesting this book. It’s really a simple story but with so much complexity contained within.  Mr. Mailer makes these horrific people seem to be people that you can somehow relate to. I mean I shouldn’t like a convicted murderer, a man who shot (for no good reason) two wonderful men.  But the book tells me so very little about the victims and somehow I ended up engrossed in the killer Gary Gilmore’s letters and writings to his girlfriend Nicole.  That book represents to me a perverse love story more so than what it probably intended. The title should have been “Gary and Nicole” or “Die with me”.  There are a million reviews online and my take is nothing like them and I would recommend that you either read it or not but skip the reviews and allow yourself to read without bias.

    Having said that, I’m amazed that I read the entire thing and in about 12 days.  Of course, I was in-between classes and had no schoolwork to worry about.  I am glad to have had something to read that captured me, got under my skin, and will probably stay with me until the day I die. I can now speak about this book at parties, hopefully I’ll go to one one day where someone will talk about it.

    Having said all of this, I wish this book had been fiction.  The horror of knowing it was all very real bothered me.  I do not believe in the death penalty and I certainly don’t approve of a firing squad, UNLESS….and this is a big unless for me.  Unless you harm a child, then it’s free game.  I think they should rip out your toenails one at a time and dump acid on your eyeballs then.  But for some reason I otherwise think the death penalty is barbaric and changes nothing.

    But seriously…a firing squad?  There is one section of this book towards the very end that gave me the creeps and I can barely think of it without getting the creeps again.  It had to do with the autopsy of Gary Gilmore after his execution.  I think I could have lived my entire life without reading that passage.  Seriously.

    I already bought another book by Norman Mailer and I’m pissed that he’s now dead and I can’t write him any letters.  Damn it anyhow.

    Category books | Tags: | 1 Comment

  5. I’ve wondered about her forever…..

    June 18, 2009 by shishnit

    When I was a little girl, I was infatuated with one person.  I tried to imagine what her life would be like.  With the onslaught of the Internet I now have a peek inside.  It only took about 25 years for me to become a voyeur of her life…but who knew….who the heck knew that JUDY BLUME had a blog!!!  If you did know, why didn’t you tell me?? Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    And yes…I’ve swiped this photo off of her blog so I can print it out and put her on my wall with St. Paul. The only bad thing about the photo is that only I will know who the heck that is.  But I rather like the fact that she’s somewhat obscure in the photo because that’s how she was for me growing up. I knew nothing about her….until about a week ago when I started to read her blog archives.  Transparency…is it a blessing or is it a curse?  Is it better to know about your hero’s in small ways via a blog or better to have a wide open imagination?  I haven’t decided yet.  In case you google yourself Judy…..I admire you.  I am grateful that you were a part of my childhood…and I’m equally glad that while my mother didn’t want me to read “Forever” my awesome Aunt DeDe helped smuggle a copy over to my house while my mother was busy smoking her cigarettes on the back patio. I think Judy Blume is the one person (along with St. Paul) who would make me quiver in my shoes if I ran into her at the grocery store. I’d be awestruck.  That photo reminds me of this one of Marilyn Monroe reading Ulysses.  Only what urks me about this photo of Marilyn is that she’s supposedly reading at the end of Ulysses and I know so few people who could actually get through that book. (myself included….!!)  If you read Judy’s blog you will find out what she’s reading in that photo…(or you could just let your imagination run wild….you know…like before the day’s of the Internet).

    Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

    Category books, life, reading, world | Tags: | No Comments

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