shishnit.org

I can’t believe that TLC advertised the announcement of a marital separation.  What the hell is wrong with this world?  I mean isn’t TLC the letters standing for “The Learning Channel”?  What in the world can we “learn” from this mess?  The pursuit of fame and fortune and the consent to broker your own offspring for a monetary means to an end will end your marriage?  C’mon, what did they think would happen? 

I personally can only focus in on the notion that I too separated and got divorced when my son was 11 years old. I knew then it would have implications.  I spoke about those implications for weeks to my ex….begging him…telling him that at the very least we needed to find a therapy program for Keith, someplace for him to go with all of his own pain and angst about and over the divorce.  I never found that place and heck he left me homeless.  I started to focus on fixing my life, going to college, healing my own heart and soul.  That could have been a mistake. Perhaps I needed to forgo finding and/or seeking my own stability and focus in on Keith. Sadly, I did not have that strength or vision and hindsight (as always) is a bitch.  I made some mistakes, I am sure of it.  For the first few years after the divorce I saw Keith all the time.  Then he hit a certain age and we faltered, he distanced himself, I took it personally and would call and call but then eventually I stopped.  I experienced much of the same feelings when I was 19 and my mother would not take my calls or return my feelings.  My son distanced himself most likely in the process of making his own friends and trying to cope with everything his own way.  (I cannot really say, because I cannot really speak for him).  For the past few years I have rarely blogged about my son, the divorce situation (because regardless of what the court says, divorce is never final…you still have a child you share and you never stop having to speak to each other).

 Seemingly much like Kate, it was my ex-husband who filed the paperwork and sought the divorce, not I.  I wanted to go to counseling (even though now I see that would have never worked!!)  I am curious as to who filed those papers, him or her.  I don’t think you can jointly file.  In fact I’m pretty sure you can’t.  (But then again I’m not an attorney), but my desire to know is mere curiosity.

This morning my son told an early drug deterrent program director that he’s been smoking weed since he was 14.  So, within 3 years of our divorce my son began a road to a drug problem.  I have avoided discussing things happening with him out of respect for him but recently I have begun to ask myself and wonder about how much that same said son respects me.  He misses mother’s day, my birthday, and he takes things without asking, he never calls and he seemingly has put himself as top priority in his life.  I have spent many nights staring at the ceiling worrying about him, wondering what I could have or should have done differently.  These things have been heartbreaking to me because while I have not been perfect, I have always loved him.  I have only blogged the “good” things in an effort to focus in on the good things and stop allowing the bad things to rip me apart, and rob me of all other joy in my life.  Good things in terms of my relationship (or rather non-existence of one) with my son.  He’s reached a point of his life where his own friends and interests have overtaken his desire to spend time with me.  We’ve somehow lost a close connection and it bothers me…a lot.  It’s hard to write 6 years of events in one blog post, so please be respectful that this is just a peek into our reality.

His father’s actions have had widespread consequences.  I am not innocent in the failure of that marriage; I was confused for a long time. It is quite difficult to be married to a sociopath.  Truly it is.  While reading, “The Executioners Song” I started to realize quickly that Gary Gilmore is/was a sociopath and that is why his letters were so entrancing to me. I already was victim to a sociopath in the past. I found my ex to be quite charming and alluring for quite some time, even as he was destroying me in the process.  Gary Gilmore’s letters and interviews were quite engaging and while to many they may come across clearly as bad, to me I was attracted.  I’m sure that says something about how fucked up I am somehow.

Some of the consequences of my divorce are nearly impossible for me to discuss at great length. A few years ago I simply got tired of being a train wreck and have since learned to compensate, cope, and thrive despite these things.  They can be quite upsetting and yet I have closed off that portion of my life as far as blogging was concerned.  I will probably never discuss the full details of my son’s problems here because they are his.  And because I love him.  A lot. 

Oddly enough I speak to his father more now than I ever did, because we both love that same said child and we’re trying desparately to help him.  I have felt resentment towards the entire situation because it was not my choice to allow our lives to fall apart. It wasn’t my choice to get divorced.  It was all thrust upon me.  I remember speaking about statistics and “children of divorce” and the potential harm we could be causing our child.  He either a. didn’t listen or b. didn’t agree or c. all of the above. I can’t speak for my ex-husband.  I have tried, it never works.  We are two different people with entirely different idea’s about raising a child.  I don’t know how that happened because we were on the same page for all those years previous to our split.

I wanted to go get help. I wanted to resolve the issues back when my son was 7 and 8 and 9 years old.  It just didn’t pan out that way because I did not have a willing partner.  I see Jon Gosselin as this same way.  I cannot however make any judgement calls because like all marriages, theirs is something only they know enough about to judge it.  I wish them well.  I hope the consequences of their choices today do bring that ever elusive “peace” that Kate keeps speaking of.  However, after 6 years of divorced aftermath, my hopes are not high. In fact, I have yet to meet any divorced person with children who will tell you a happy story and usually it is the kids that suffer the most.  If you’re reading this and you know someone to the contrary, count those people as very very lucky.

Suffice it to say, I love my child more than life itself, but that divorce back in 2003 has caused so much pain.  Pain I cannot erase.  Pain I can only apologize for.  Pain that his father cemented in stone the day he went and filed for divorce.  That divorce may have brought me personal peace and happiness within the life I’ve had to work hard to rebuild…but it has not brought peace to my son.  For that, Keith, I am eternally sorry.  I love you so much and I’m so very sorry.

Just imagine the Gosselin 8 passing around a bong.  Trust me when I say, it could happen.