Lately I have been emotionally all over the road. I have been slugging my way through a new book. It’s not a fun book to read and it’s made me cry on 3 separate occasions now. However, it’s also made me come to terms with some things. Oh, this is going to be an ongoing project, the project of ME. This project of “Assertiveness” and healing. I can feel it already.
Last week in the throes of self misery and newfound realizations I called Rick and I cried to him. I mashed my teeth over all the things that were bothering me, the work incident (the one I won’t blog about in detail) along with a few other things. I ended up apologizing to him for dumping it all on him. He corrected me and said, “There you go doing it again, apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re supposed to come to me, I am your husband.”
And low and behold some new realizations sunk in. After combined marital experiences of 16 years of marriage…it is only now that I truly feel I have a husband. I truly comprehend that I can go to him. That he will be there always. That he is not my ex, nothing like my ex and won’t ever intentionally and with malice hurt me.
Wow.
Also during all of this I have discussed my breakthroughs and my struggles with my friend Theresa. She’s been wonderful to me all this time. Today in an email she wrote this:
We all have scars from the wounds that life has given us. Our wounds heal but the scars remain and they can often split back open, at the slightest tension and start bleeding again as if it was the same day that the wound was created. We try so hard to avoid these triggers by avoiding our exes and recoiling in horror the second our current spouses show any sign of untrustworthiness or a possibility of becoming unreliable. It is not our husbands fault; it is just our knee jerk reaction to the situations. When something feels familiar we become tense. We also tend to think that we are worth less than we are or that we are somehow less worthy of happiness. So, when things are going well, we fear that trouble is just around the corner because “we are not allowed to be this happy.” Our own insecurities and sensitivities have us on constant high alert. I am not saying that we didn’t have a right to have these feelings; just that it is harder to overcome these feelings because of our past.
Her words say things far better than I could and I’m grateful for her friendship right now…as I always have been. Her and I…we have pasts that parallel each other’s and I’m sad for her because I understand what she battles, but I’m so grateful that our paths crossed several years ago and that we have each other as we both work through so many things collectively and separately. She is my only friend who is remarried after an abusive first marriage. She is the only person who just innately gets it.
It may sound crazy but while I have a wealth of happiness in my 2nd marriage, it is somehow always a struggle to overcome the past. IT’s like a type of quicksand that can easily suck me under; unable to breathe and live in the NOW, the NOW where I am immensely happy. Once so many people have abused you, you must learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, and logically it all makes sense but the damage that has occurred doesn’t just disappear…you have to work on it.
The book I am working my way through is “The Emotionally Abused Woman – Overcoming destructive patterns and reclaiming yourself by Beverly Engel”. I highly recommend it.
I would also like to thank my amazing husband because he teaches me every single day that life can be happy, better, so much more. He never does anything to me; it is that I fear losing him. I fear losing all of my happiness. I have many fears because of my past. Rick has done nothing wrong; my scars are there and sometimes my past fears make me feel threatened for no real good reason. It’s completely not his fault. He’s an amazing man to love me…always just as I am…no matter how I may struggle because of my past. He’s truly the best.
My NOW is amazing. Without it I would have no reason to want to be a better and healthier person today. My husband is not perfect, but he’s perfect for me and he’s patient with me and he’s always there for me and he loves me. And I know that I am a lucky girl…to be in a place to work through these things…a safe place. A place of love.
