1986 called and it’s back!!

I went to the mall this weekend with Keith. I’m not a big mall supporter or shopper. I do go to the bookstore all the time, that’s attached to the mall but I really only venture into the mall when I get my hair cut as my glorious hairdresser works in there. 

Keith and I went into a few clothing stores.  I felt like I had gone into a time machine and came back out in 1986.  I swear.  The things that the younger crowd thinks are cool and new and hip…hmmm not so much. I picked up a pair of jesus sandles…ya know the ones, with the zipper up the back and all the strips of leather like Jesus surely wore back in the day and told Keith, “I had these in the ninth grade, they were ugly then but everyone had them so I had them too!’  Yah I know they’re called Gothic sandals, I refer to them as “horrific then  horrific now sandals”.  Incidentally get ready for the ugliest plaid shirts you’ve ever seen in your life.  Mork called Mindy and even she told him not to wear that shit…but all the Morks of the world are not going to listen. I even saw fingerless mittens in Target.  Fingerless mittens might make sense in Florida but come the hell on, who ever wears any mittens in Florida?

We saw belts that looked and worked like seat belts…I swear I had one of those too.  And the neon, and the tapered jeans.  Oh my!  1986!!  And today I got an ad from a online retailer advertising “leggings”.  I tried on a pair of pants that were made from an uber cute material at Lane Bryant…they were tapered. SO GROSS.  I whipped them off my body so fast and was almost grateful because they were $60.  C’mon….that’s insane for one pair of moderately nicely made pants. 

OH and according to LB somehow I now wear a Petite in length?  I’m 5’5.5 and I’ve never been petite in anything in my life.  And stretch pants….come the hell on, who liked those the last time?  And how about some high waist pants so we can all look fat, if they make Jessica Simpson look fat..c’mon.  What is with the clothing trends of late? Even I could wear the low waisted pants with a normal shirt and not have a muffin top…but high waist..why not acentuate the worst of the worst….no one who shops in LB can wear high waisted pants!!

At Target my son showed me some moccasins.  Moccasins!!  And this is COOL according to him.  I have finally hit the road of “OLD” and I’m trudging along in my own lane because damn those things were ugly.  And damn I’ll probably end up buying a pair someday. FOR HIM NOT ME!!!

Today I thought surely there has to be something cute and new I can buy for fall…so I’ll check online. And look at what I saw.

these…would you spend $68 on these beaut’s?  C’mon and big girls are supposed to wear this?  Pahhleez…!!!!  68 dollar stretchy pants worn close to your chubby legs, thighs and ass?  Tuck in your shirt and wear a pair of ugly ass boots that don’t match too.  Your wide fat knee will look fantastic peeking out over the top of these fugly ass boots.  They should call these pants “Cottage Cheese enhancers from our BIG ASS BIG PRICE Collection” and at least be honest.  Curve enhancing my ass!  “Curd enhancing” is the truth.

 

Add to wish list?  Check NOT.  I swear that tomorrow I’m going to see someone in leg warmers with those jesus sandals and a big ugly seat belt under her tucked in bright plaid shirt.  I’ll be sure to take a photo.