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For the first time in a long time I feel overwhelmed by school. I have a teacher who is confused and thinks he’s teaching a doctorate course I swear.  He’s a pain in my ass, but the thing is…I refuse to allow him to beat me so I’m giving him overkill if you will….and it’s kicking my mental ass but I won’t let him see it.

ANNND I’m on vacation this week.  And I have Keith this week.  And I feel for the very first time….torn.  For the majority of my educational endeavors I have breezed through with enough time, enough energy, enough “care”.  Right now I’m finding that I want to not “care” and that is causing me not to have enough “care”.  IE: I don’t care as much as I wish I did….and yet I care too much to bail on what I know I am capable of.

It probably doesn’t help that I’m not sleeping well. It’s also raining today. 

The highlights of this dark and dreary morning?

Spongebob is blasting from Nickelodeon and the kiddo is sleeping on the couch…IN MY HOUSE.   And that…..that is always a fantastic thing.  And that fantastic thing trumps all else right now.

Except I should be researching bullshit about innovative companies, but remember I’m struggling with the “care” factor.  I’m struggling with a lot of things this week.  There’s even a list:

1. money management (I’m a total slacker)
2. laundry management (I’ve “fluffed” this load of laundry 3 times in two days! I cannot “care” to take it out of the dryer…damn it!)
3. reading, (there’s been no pleasure…I “care” about that.  I pick a book up, I read a chapter and I put the book down.  No passion found. Bummer.
4. house…is not clean…I don’t “care”.  I walk past messes.  I see them.  I wish them gone.  But I don’t “do” anything.  No action on my part.

Come to think of it I think this damn teacher is causing me a mini visit with depression.  All I can think about all day and all night is “I shouldn’t be at Ikea, or renting movies that turn my stomach or doing this or doing that….I should be studying….but I don’t want to…because I don’t really care.

However side note, I’m really just “not right” when I’m not working.  Working makes my brain wake up, it changes my outlook. It makes me happier.  A normal person should be able to enjoy a vacation.  Ahhh but not me.  Probably because there’s more time when I work for studying.  This is hard to explain but….gah…nevermind..I don’t care.

Fucker.  Him.  Not.  You.

He’s kinda sorta ..no he IS my best friend and that’s been the biggest surprise of our relationship. I think he “knows” the most authentic me that there is.  In fact I’m positive of it. I have always second guessed my decisions in life but never the one concerning him.  I wanted him on day one and he still remains the best thing I ever did.  Today when making arrangements with his father we both stopped mid converation and said “yah teenagers are a pain in the behind because they “just don’t ever listen” to us…but he’s still great isn’t he?  We had a “shared child” moment.  It almost felt good.  I have made tons of mistakes in my lifetime…that kiddo is not one of them.  Never will be.  

Hey Keith….thanks for being such a great friend of mine.  Oh and thanks for always caring about what’s going on in my life and reading my silly little blog.  It matters to me…always has.  I normally write a long long sappy entry but I fear that if I try to do that today…I’ll lose ten gallons of tears.  17 years ago I had a little baby nuzzled up against my neck and his breathing was beautiful like the perfect melody.  I was terrified that I’d be some horrific mother like the one I had.  Thank be’jeezus that didn’t happen eh Keith? I didn’t count on him helping me grow up but he did.  He made me something so much better.

Happy 17th birthday Bucky!  Let me share a song with you.  I’ll always be there for you kiddo.  I love you endlessly.  I always dreamed about having a little boy.  Dreams come true.  Find your’s and don’t give up on it.

For you – Peter Bradley Adams

If your wandering ever leads you

to a place where you don’t know which road to choose

leave your worries behind

take the road that leads to mine

and I’ll be waiting there for you

If your dreaming ever wakes you

and you find your dreaming wasn’t true

wipe the sleep from your eyes

leave the nightmares behind

and I’ll dream a better dream for you

If your fortune ever fails you

and you’re down without a dime to see you through

there’s still luck that you can find

you have a piece of mine

yeah, I’ll make a wish for you

If your lover ever leaves you

and you find yourself with no one left to lose

you don’t have to be alone

take the road that leads you home

and I’ll be waiting there for you…

…I’ll be waiting there for you

go listen here