*&#$)*~)!&#&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the first time in a long time I feel overwhelmed by school. I have a teacher who is confused and thinks he’s teaching a doctorate course I swear.  He’s a pain in my ass, but the thing is…I refuse to allow him to beat me so I’m giving him overkill if you will….and it’s kicking my mental ass but I won’t let him see it.

ANNND I’m on vacation this week.  And I have Keith this week.  And I feel for the very first time….torn.  For the majority of my educational endeavors I have breezed through with enough time, enough energy, enough “care”.  Right now I’m finding that I want to not “care” and that is causing me not to have enough “care”.  IE: I don’t care as much as I wish I did….and yet I care too much to bail on what I know I am capable of.

It probably doesn’t help that I’m not sleeping well. It’s also raining today. 

The highlights of this dark and dreary morning?

Spongebob is blasting from Nickelodeon and the kiddo is sleeping on the couch…IN MY HOUSE.   And that…..that is always a fantastic thing.  And that fantastic thing trumps all else right now.

Except I should be researching bullshit about innovative companies, but remember I’m struggling with the “care” factor.  I’m struggling with a lot of things this week.  There’s even a list:

1. money management (I’m a total slacker)
2. laundry management (I’ve “fluffed” this load of laundry 3 times in two days! I cannot “care” to take it out of the dryer…damn it!)
3. reading, (there’s been no pleasure…I “care” about that.  I pick a book up, I read a chapter and I put the book down.  No passion found. Bummer.
4. house…is not clean…I don’t “care”.  I walk past messes.  I see them.  I wish them gone.  But I don’t “do” anything.  No action on my part.

Come to think of it I think this damn teacher is causing me a mini visit with depression.  All I can think about all day and all night is “I shouldn’t be at Ikea, or renting movies that turn my stomach or doing this or doing that….I should be studying….but I don’t want to…because I don’t really care.

However side note, I’m really just “not right” when I’m not working.  Working makes my brain wake up, it changes my outlook. It makes me happier.  A normal person should be able to enjoy a vacation.  Ahhh but not me.  Probably because there’s more time when I work for studying.  This is hard to explain but….gah…nevermind..I don’t care.

Fucker.  Him.  Not.  You.