update take 2

My son is spending the night in a Juvenile Detention Center.  Police were called to the hotel room where he was staying with his girlfriend and her grandmother.  The police detained him and called his father, who did not answer.  Why all this calling of the father and not the mother?  Because while we share joint custody, the state really only aknowledges that his father is the “custodial” parent because Keith has always resided with him since 2003. 

As the “custodial” parent the burden of making this child go to school and follow the rules falls solely onto his father.  This is just in my opinion as he’s the one that left the marriage and left me homeless and nevermind..let’s not dredge up the past.  Suffice it to say that you reap what you sow.

Keith had a warrant for his arrest because he missed a court apppearance yesterday.  An appearance due to his being caught with drug paraphenaila about 7 months ago.  What was he caught with?  I do not know exactly.  No one told me because I’m not the custodial parent despite having legal joint custody.  (One piece of advice to anyone getting or ever facing a divorce when children are involved…there is no such thing as legal joint custody, someone is always deemed the custodial parent even if you go to court and are granted joint custody.  The police, the school system and any other official place will deem you not the parent if the child does not live in your home 100% of the time.  Just a caution to anyone out there googling these terms.  The child’s “custodial” parent is often deemed the parent who’s address the childs school records share.)

He will be in court at 7:30 a.m.  His father states he will attend.  His girlfriend called me crying because in her words “they took him away!!!”  You cannot commit a crime and not face the consequences.  Her father, who yesterday I was told hated her and kicked her out, has miraculously taken her back in.  These teenage children who claim they have it so bad and that NO ONE loves them….yah right!!

My heart aches for how lost my child is.  The guilt and remorse and regret…they are the heaviest things I’ve carried and yet every sane person I’ve talked to in the past few days has overstated that I have done nothing wrong.  I am of the strong belief that this is a big mess that didn’t begin this week, last week or even last year.  This began for Keith in 2002 when he was 10 years old and his father walked out the door 2 day’s after Christmas.  This has been a slow unwinding of the yarn and now it’s a knotted mess.

My child is a statistic.  My ex-husband is irresponsible.  I am caught somewhere in the middle.  I want to help but you cannot erase damage once it is done.  Much of the information I’ve learned this week is all new to me….go figure, no one bothered to tell me, the mother.  Of course that might be because my ex-husband has long told me that Keith has “another” mother now and doesn’t need me. 

Where’s that douche bag now?

I should backtrack and explain that in the last 7 years, while I may not have blogged it…there have been periods of time upwards of 8 and 9 months when I haven’t even seen my child.  When I would call his father and ask him to have Keith call..and I never got a phone call.  Upon calling and calling again I was told either

a. Keith wasn’t home (even at 10:30 at night!) or

b. Keith was told to call but didn’t

Much of this mess falls on Keith too.  That’s a hard hard thing for me to come to grips with because I consider him a child and children are not responsible for raising themselves.  However, children are responsible for being respectful to their parents and in that aspect, Keith fails often.

I could write a memoir and it might be a bestseller or it might induce a lot of suicidal reactions.