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Dear Chloe,

I have been a very bad mommy and I haven’t written about you and your wonderfulness in a very long time.  This is in fact my first monthly letter to you and it’s been 65 glorious months of getting to know you.

You are at an age where you love to be held and kissed a lot.  You are very affectionate but you never kiss back.  I think this might be breed related or that perhaps your former Mama didn’t teach you how to kiss or perhaps she discouraged that behavior.  I can’t tell.  I think about your other Mama a lot.  I watch you every day and wonder how she could not have seen your wonderfulness and wanted to love you back as I do. She was surely blind.

You spend your days sleeping on the couch with a big fluffy comforter that I just washed for you last night.  Yes, I wash your blankie for you because I want only the best for my girl.  I also have a large measure of guilt for our “no dog in the bedroom while we’re away from home” rule.  Every morning you insist that I dig you out of your doggie fetal position deep within the confines of the comforter on the bed in the bedroom you must leave, and I remind you of the rule. 

You spend your days barking at the mailman and anything that moves outside the living room window.  You have adjusted very well to our recent move and it only took you a week to learn where your house is and where you’re meant to go back after a walk outside.  I was very proud of you the night you headed straight for our new front door.  You are gifted for a doggie.  You are such a sweet girl and I cannot imagine my life without you.  I am a better person since you came into my life.  I’m so happy I can share your days and nights with you.

I love the way you jump in the bathtub to tell us you need water.  I equally love the way you find the utmost joy in any sunbeam shining into our home.  You are the warmest softest creature I have ever known.  I love that you inspire me to sing, dance and be silly.  This is what your Daddy calls my “multiple personality”.  You bring out the joy within me.  I love that you still go crazy for toys and you still expect us to bring something home for you.  Your hope knows no boundaries. I especially love to see you prance around the house with that one long toy that is longer than you.  You own that toy, you dominate it somehow despite its size.  I love that you are bigger than your height or weight will ever measure.  Your immense sweetie, you are so immense.

The other day I was reading about your breed and learned that you can live to be 14 to 17 years old.  I wanted to highlight that sentence, then multiply it by seven too.  I already know there will not be enough days with you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Mommy
 

2007 is basically over. While reviewing this year in my mind the only things that come to mind are the highlights.

The house, Infertility, College, Work

The year started off with Math, the end of Math.

The end of one position at work and the movement into another and then midyear yet another…two bosses this year and more to come in the next. Expansion is like that.

The year my son turned 15.

This year marked not as much blog writing as I ventured away from the computer as much as possible. Work and school require being stuck to a computer. I wanted life to be stuck in the living.

This is the year that I had every single girly part tested and scanned and looked at. Every single one. $38,000 worth of medical bills. Thank goodness for Health Insurance.

This is the year I got angry with my husband for his problems, yet this is also the year I realized that I love him despite his problems.

This is the year I learned that talking about, writing about or even speaking out loud of infertility makes infertility much more difficult to cope with, yet I have no regrets.

This is the year of two offices.

The year of Clomid.

The year of new spaces, new houses and new fenced yards.

The year of marked up calendars and counting days and planning sex.

This was the year of “extract” medicine and social fires.

Another year of writing papers, reading coursework and getting more A’s.

This year marked our second year of wedded togetherness

This year I didn’t blog as much. Nor did I feel obligated as much. Obligated to do anything simply out of obligation. I find that obligations lead to ill feelings.

This year I read a lot of Buddhism books. I also read a lot of self help books. I read and read and mostly read nonfiction and religion and psychology books. I entered the joyful electives in college and earned straight A’s in my core courses. I also gained a library and more space. I also gained a better outlook on life. I also started to have more faith in myself.

In 2008 I want to write more for fun. I want to write more from the gut about everything. I want to fear less what others might say to me about what I write and what I truly feel. I want to go back to not censoring myself because it’s healthier. I want simple things.]

My ABC’s of 2008

Authenticity – I want to be true to myself.

Artistic outlet – I want to write by hand, write poetry, type up my book to date

Books and Blogs – I want to continue to find time to “read”. Simply “read”. I want to continue to cut back on the blogs I read, reading only those that enrich me, empower me and make me learn something more.

Chloe – I want to hug her, kiss her, love her, keep her…forever.

Dawns, I want to watch the sun come up more often. Perhaps a few beach hours early in the morning.

Early morning breakfasts before work. I want to eat better.

Food, that is healthy.

Growth, I want to grow as a person and never forget how joyous learning is.

History, I want to let go of more emotional baggage this year.

Icing. I want to always remember to ice every cake, the best of anything without the icing is not the best that it can be.

Joking around. I love a good joke and want to find more of them this year.

Keith. I want to be closer to him this year. Teenage years suck!

Love. I want to give more away than I can possible gain for myself. I want to love without abandon.

Money. I want to save more, earn more, give more, and worry less.

Neverland. I want to remember my little girl side. I want to read more children’s books I loved as a child. I want to play more, dream more, make shapes out of clouds and let go of adult worries more often.

Open. I want to be open to new experiences, better relationships, deeper friendships.

PCOS. I want to conquer it. I want to rule it. I want to beat it.

Queen. I want to be the queen of my world every day. Imagining I have a crown and I can rule only my world.

Rick. I want to be closer, hug more, enjoy more, spend more time and do more without a heavy heart or fear or resentments.

Sex. More more more please. Happy joyful loving…

Time. I want more time to enjoy, more time to relax. More time to simply be.

Understanding. I want to find peace with my religious and spiritual path. I want to finally say “ah ha” and be one with it all.

Variety. I want to build new traditions and find a variety of ways to have fun. Fun, more fun please. Bubble baths and movie nights and more things together.

Without worrying. I want to explore without fear, do without worry and breath deeply instead of clenching my teeth with worry. Worry never mends a bridge, nor does it stop a flood. I want to build boats with my hope and paddle with my grief and make good use of the bad turning it into only good.

X. I want to truly 100% forgive my ex-husband. I say I have, I try to. I still get angry at him, against him, etc. I want to be able to tell him I’ve forgiven him once and for all.

Yoyo. I want to stop the yo yo dieting the yo yo changing. I want to accept that I will have to do certain things to have certain outcomes. I want to make small changes that equal bigger changes. I want to find peace in who I am while still being strong enough to change into something better. I want to stop going up and down in determining what it is that I truly want to be and just let it be. I just want to “be”.

Zealous. I want to be intense, passionate and enthusiastic about all the things I love to do in life. I want to adore, enjoy and be truly involved in the activities that I choose to take part of. I want to enjoy 100% of every single day.

I also have a few projects I want to work on this year.

1. Organize and publish a cookbook with my grandmother’s recipes in it
2. Find proper storage for my CD’s and catalog my collection
3. Put together that “Things that I love” poster/frame

Special thanks to Michelle, Kristyk, Siobhan, Jenniy, and Lori for being strong woman who have said the right things at imperative moments throughout 2007. You have made me a better me.

Everyone has ups and downs throughout their entire lifetime.  We hope for more up times than down times but we all take what we get and I believe that as we grow older, wiser, more experienced we figure out that the bad times are unavoidable and the good times are the blessings we need to treasure.

And sure that paragraph sounds like something my grandmother could have written.  The fact of the matter is I have news, but I’m holding back on it.  I have great news but I want to savor it, roll it around in my soul and taste every part of the experience at the moment.  For me it’s life changing news and long in the making.  Part of me wants to wait until its official and nothing will change it.  Another part of me wants to surprise someone with it personally.

Either way and for whatever reasons this good news made me think about the path I have been on for several years now.  Life is not perfect and it’s ever changing and I sometimes feel like I am in constant improvement mode.  I know what kind of person I want to be and what things matter to me.  I truly do.

But this good news I can’t tell you makes me think of all the times I got my hopes up that things would improve and it felt like I was in a dark dark place and no one was ever going to turn on the light bulb.  I credit my friendship with Brad for much of my personal realizations that change had to start with my having personal faith in myself. I finally realized that no one else could give me happiness and no one else could make my life better in the ways that most would make me blissful.  For several years he constantly was on me about things I needed to do, things I needed to stop doing and mostly made me re-evaluate just what went wrong in my first marriage and I can admit it was not all him.  Yes it was 99.9% but c’mon I was the other part of the fault.

In light of my good news I have looked back at the path.  I have quickly re-lived all the loss, all the disappointment…all the not appreciating the good things….yes I did that.  I was so often so focused on what I did not have rather than what I did.  Surprisingly when I changed that a few years ago and started to simply be grateful for what I do have and not keep listing out in my mind all that is wrong….I found a big sense of peace.  I remember several key moments in my life when I knew that events were going to change the storyline of my life.  There was the day…no no…I don’t list things like that anymore.  I can relive it quickly and reminisce but my main focus remains on the future.

I spoke briefly about being halfway through college and yet I could not possibly relay what it truly means to me.  It’s a touch point along the path I began with maybe not enough faith and tons of fear.  But I started anyway and got from there to here.  Many times in the past while in the realms of loss I used to make myself sadder, deeply depressed.  I nearly drowned myself in the bad feelings and wanted to die so many times its unreal.  It took the last 6 years to teach me that the bad sucks but one must stop playing the sad music, get up and go outside and do the best you can to shake it off because swimming in that muck gets you nowhere good.

So prior to my big announcement….trust that I am truly enveloped in the feeling of blessings, happiness, opportunities, and….the plain fact that life….it is good.  Just as the sun comes out new every morning night will come again.  Right now I am sitting here soaking in the sun of good.

And no I’m not pregnant.  And no I didn’t get a new job.  And no I was not accepted into Harvard.  But for Rick, my son, my doggie and my little world…..this is extremely exciting and good news.  I am reveling in it.  One must also remember to do that….it’s far better than sinking in your feelings only when they are dark.  

And…nope…haven’t told the kid yet…..that’s going to be the best.  I can’t wait.
 

I ain’t no good with words
No one no good at talking
I’m misunderstood
Misunderstood you often – Donnie Iris