shishnit.org

cluttering up the internet since 2001

 

Things I never write about in my blog that I am going to write about today

I hate mommy blogs whereby the mother complains about being a stay at home mom, complains about her whiney bratty children and utterly has no gratitude for anything in her life.  Hate them. I could provide a list, but I’m sure everyone’s read one or two or three thousand of these ranting bitches blog’s. Yes, attack me, I don’t care.  I’m sick of them.

My mother used to listen to “My Sharona” by the Knack full blast on the radio when it came on.  Meaning this was before cassette tapes and CD’s even.  She had an 8-track player in her car when I was a young child.  This is the only song that reminds me of my mother and wouldn’t you know it, I hear the damn thing all the time.  I never speak about how much the chosen absence of my mother (her choice) affects me.  Mostly because I have learned to move through the world without a mother, but it doesn’t mean it is easy.  It can be lonely and heart wrenching.  She turned 60 this year.  It’s been 17 years.  In two more years I will have lived as much of my life without a mother as I did with one.

Rick’s brother Randy wants to quit his job. Ok I don’t think he wants to but his gf wants him too so he can stay home and watch Matthew all day.  She has to do some sort of nursing training and they have never put Matthew with a daycare or a babysitter and low and behold that would cost money so Randy is considering quitting his job. I have one thing to say….MISTAKE.  His gf is STILL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD married to someone else.  Therefore she can’t put Randy on her health insurance, etc.  And if she ever decides to up and leave him like she left the last one, he’s f’d.

My son came to me about 9 months ago and told me he thinks he is bisexual.  I think its highly possible that he’s simply just gay. I also could care less what he decides his sexual preference is.  My ex-husband is a Jesus Convenient and refuses to believe this is possible, because his lame ass considers homosexuality a sin.  Fool.  Have I mentioned lately how much I hate him?

I snore.  At night if it wakes Rick up, he will often wake up and act like a fool about how I am somehow doing this on purpose and that I can control my nasal passages and their behavior while I’m sleeping. This pisses me off because Rick also snores, but when his snoring bothers me, I remove myself from the bedroom and let him sleep.  I resent that I quietly do this but he doesn’t.  

I got asked out today by a cute guy.  A guy that I see often but don’t pay any mind to because I’m happily married, a guy that I only know in passing because he’s the delivery boy that brings my lunch occasionally when I order out from his place of business. I would venture to guess that he’s about 26 years old.  Considering my age, this is a nice compliment.  He had no clue, thought I was his age.  

In the last few months my ex-husband has a. had his house in foreclosure (it appears he may have restructured his loan for the time being), b. pled guilty to writing a rubber check for over 4k. (has to pay it back with fines and costs) and c. lost his drivers license (public records doesn’t say why but I think it might be because he hasn’t paid on the aforementioned restitution on time, etc.  I haven’t talked about any of it because while it concerns me, I’ve tried to move away from it as much as possible.  

A few days ago I drove down the street that I used to own a house on, the house that was foreclosed on due to the ex-husband’s lying and cheating ways.  I noticed that the next door neighbor’s house looked entirely different.  The previous next whore neighbors house that is.  And it had a for sale sign in front.  The next day I hunted down the house on realtor.com to learn that her ex-husband remodeled the entire house and now lives in a much nicer house with his new woman.  I hope he makes a killing on that remodel job because he deserves it.  And yes, maybe I’m crazy because I still always wish the best for that man. We were both equally wronged by our spouses, and the best revenge is to live a better life than theirs.

After being in college since Jan of 2005 I find it nearly impossible to write without fixing sentences etc.  It’s taken some of the blog writing and poetry writing thunder out of my storm.

I bought a house, we bought a house. (Technically I did it…but technically it’s our house) and we both still have savings.  And that my friend’s is sweet.

List of things I want to do to the house.

  1. put a door in to access the outside patio without walking around the entire left side of the house
  2. Paint all the rooms
  3. Have a party
  4. Organize
  5. Hang up art, candles, pictures, etc.
  6. Buy patio furniture
  7. Organize 2nd bedroom
  8. find professional kitchen type shelves for kitchen (help!)

I am taking a film class after I finish Astronomy and Mythology.  Nice.  I can’t wait.  Something creative. I also got a flat screen TV for my birthday from Rick, it’s going in the bedroom.  

Well there you have it, if I have talked about any of these things before I don’t recall. 

Filed under : love and marriage, kidlet, college, Rick, keith, family, world, friends, house
By shishnit
On May 20, 2008
At 9:38 pm
Comments : 2
 
 

too much school make ur head hurtz

Busy busy busy…or at least mentally I am.  I am taking two courses right now and am in information overload.  The house is getting there, Rick is doing fine.  Spent Mother’s Day with the kid and had a great time shopping and buying shoes and clothes and books.  All perfect and good things for Mother’s Day, including a card he wrote in that made me tear up.  Love that kid.

Fave song of the moment….

It’s the fortune in your hand
It’s the spotlight where you stand
It’s the answer you don’t know
It’s the space left when you go

Don’t know what you want
Don’t know what you want
But I know what you need
Don’t know what you want
Don’t know what you want

It’s the traffic in your head
It’s the cold side of your bed
It’s the place where you belong
It’s the words to your favorite song

I know what you need
I know what you need
To believe

- Shane Nicholson
 

Filed under : kidlet, college, keith
By shishnit
On May 12, 2008
At 8:16 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

Creativity 101

I took the last few weeks off to concentrate on moving.  My last class ended on 4-14    and my next one starts on 5-06.  Yes, tomorrow.  It’s been a much needed and nice break and would explain my largely absent entries on my blog.  I have not wanted to look at or be at a computer much at all.  Save for the constant downloading of new music from Itunes.  

Tomorrow starts an Astrology course and then a week later I am doubled up also taking a Mythology course.  All these ‘ology courses in my final months of college.  Whew, I can’t wait to finish this program.  After these two courses and somewhat overlapped is Intro to Film Studies.  For some reason I can’t wait to get to that one.  I also have a Nutrition course and a Creative writing course before I’m done.  It’s going to go by so fast, I just know it.

We are still not finished with the house and for some reason I think it’ll be another six months before I’m at a place where I am feeling done.  We are close though.  I just have so many ideas now that I can paint walls and truly invest my creativity to a home again.  I want to paint my kitchen with chalkboard paint so I can write on my walls and constantly change my words there.  I am craving creativity again in my life in big doses; I think this explains the recent obsession with music again. 

We did manage to paint our bedroom and the only thing that’s largely in there is our bed and mentally that is so soothing, I love it.  The room is calm and relaxes me.  I’m happy with how it turned out.  

My latest fave song obsession is as follows:

Busted Heart

Follow me
To the shipwreck shores of a dark and strange country
I was born
A stranger thinking out loud in a foreign tongue
I was out of place
I was looking all around just a’trying to find a friendly face
But they’re all gone

Did you ever think
Did you ever think, think
A lotta people everyday who will surely drown
Did you ever think
Did you ever think, think
Who left me all alone in this town?

And a busted heart is a welcome friend
And when that heart leaves, what will you do then?
And if I cry, is that a sin?

And the wisdom is a whisper
And I’m trying to understand
What I say, what I think, where I sleep, when I breathe
What I do with my hands

Bishop Allen

Filed under : college, house
By shishnit
On May 5, 2008
At 9:39 pm
Comments :1
 
 

dictionary.com

Someone complimented me today, calling me “estudious”.

Estudious is not a word.

Am I still smart or is he just dumb? 

Filed under : college
By shishnit
On March 24, 2008
At 8:38 pm
Comments : 0
 
 

report card

Being a college student means that at some point you get into a groove and it becomes an item about your life that is pushed to the background instead of being at the forefront of everything you do.  Especially if you’re not 18 getting drunk sleeping in someone else’s bed frequently.  You are a working adult fulltime college student, and other things in your world supersede the topic of college.  But it also becomes a love affair that is happening in the shadows of your world. 

You’re the one that’s sneaking a look at your syllabus during the strangest times.  You’re the person making mental notes 24/7 about how to plan out one’s time to fit in a paper you won’t care about until it garners an A.  You lament often that there are no red letters at the tops of any of your papers and what you will remember most about your education is the endless time sitting in front of your laptop with a window open so you don’t feel stranded.  Your eyes are always tired and you’re nearly always in front of a computer.  You read your coursework printed out in big sloppy reams shoved into manila folders.  You get great glory out of throwing those big stacks in the trash after every class.  It’s killing trees and yet you can think of no better reason to live to excess.  The words stay with you long after the city dump owns them.  You haven’t taken a “go green” course yet but you did do that tutorial for work.  Work training and college courses blur together when you work where you attend.  Your entire world is surrounded by those three letters.  You consider having them tattooed on your flesh but you wonder if you’ll regret that choice one day if you attempt an education from somewhere else in addition to the paper you are chasing now. 

You still read novels but you can’t help but find similarities sociologically and psychologically and even religiously speaking to what you are studying.  You read magazines and when the author mentions Maslow’s theories for the fiftieth time since you learned about it, you smirk.  You wonder if you are somehow running out of things to learn or if it’s like how when you buy a Honda you see every other Honda like your’s in the world the next day. 

You run into fellow students that are brilliant and you wish you could have coffee with them.  Then there are those that disagree with everything you say and while you chalk it up to it being because you are strong willed and open minded and write with intention and conviction and this is threatening to others.  You piss at least one fellow student off in every course.  However, you always send that student a message at the end thanking them for the “debate” so that should count for something, but maybe not.

You buy books about topics you never considered before.  You find yourself engrossed in political articles and statistical articles that must be statistically longer than any other type.  You write papers with a cup of coffee and a dog and little else to concern yourself about.  You wonder how this became the person that you are.  You wonder who you will be, what identity will you have when it’s all over.  Does it have to be all over, you ask this question silently day after day as you see the day’s for this quest are diminishing compared to the number you started with.

You are on an A- streak that sometimes pisses you off and then you remember tenth grade, being grounded for a D- in World Cultures.  You remember lying on your pink frilly bed, aged 15, wishing you were anywhere else.  You remember missing your boyfriend, writing down lyrics and crying your eyes out.  You wonder what you could accomplish now with that type of energy and time. Time freezes and yet it never stops.  It’s cold and callous when it’s difficult.  But you quickly remember you are no longer in 10th grade and when people ask you what year of college you are in you have to think too long for an answer so you respond, “I’m closer to done than to starting.” 

When asked what you are studying, you think “everything I never knew existed” but the words you say are something else. The words are culturally acceptable, socially accountable and psychologically normal.  What you want to scream is, ‘I’m doing it..fuck..I am really doing it.”

The only person that stays in the forefront of your mind is your mother who said you couldn’t, you wouldn’t and you send her smoke signals about how wrong she is.  But you know it doesn’t matter because the only smoke she sees comes over the top of her soda cup from her Marlboro. She’s still living where the bathrooms echo early 70’s swirled marble and the living room is velvet gold forever.  She’s licking the dust from her finger waiting for perfection to make her happy. And Daddy is watching her from the woods of misconception. Some knowledge comes from the book of time.

You blow your bangs out of your eyes and pick up that Sociology book again…. You’re not the girl from their world. You’re the girl on a longstreak of A’s.  The minus is the plus. Perfection is a fucked up goal.

Filed under : books, college, grades, family, life
By shishnit
On February 18, 2008
At 12:48 am
Comments :1