shishnit.org

Keith is attending school regularly again and he is following rules again.  I haven’t talked with him because his cellphone service has been pulled as punishment.  I also must call my ex about ten times before he calls back with any information or updates. 

Having said that, I have blogged .5% of the information regarding my son because he’s nearly his own person now.  I haven’t talked about much of the things that have taken place over the last 7 years because it has been my finding that there’s always someone who thinks they have answers and they don’t.  I’m a firm believer that divorce will mess up your children regardless of how you deal with it, how it goes down or why it goes down, the children will likely run into issues later. 

My son was absolutely fine…for the longest time…and then he wasn’t.  It’s so complex its impossible to blog 100% of the issue here.  I refuse to even do that to my son.  He’s not a bad person, he’s struggling..he’s a teenager and he is having difficulty finding direction.  I’ve also been largely pushed out by his father so that makes it nearly impossible for me to know all the details because my ex refuses to speak openly. He refuses to speak at all if his wife’s in the room.  His wife refuses to speak to me at all.  Lack of communication is a leading cause of the issues if you ask me.  You can’t have 4 people raising a kid who don’t communicate with one another. 

Whatever problems Keith has are largely due to the fact that I haven’t had really any say in his day to day activities, who his friends are, what the rules are, or how he will have to have accountability.  Those things were all decided by his father.  And so now this is what the end result is.  I was told over and over again that Keith has “another mother now”.  My ex’s famous words.  And that mother sucks the big one if you ask me. 

But then again no one does.

Then again no one who judges asks the right questions.  And no one that judges really cares anyways.

Keith went to court this morning.  He was released into his father’s care.  He is (last I heard) at home with his father.  He was informed by the judge that if he doesn’t get it together and attend school and listen and ends up in that court again, he will be released to the foster care system until he is 18 years old.

The ball is now in his court.  However, I am relieved that he is safe.  Thanks for your concern and well wishes.  This has been a long long road and I feel better having let go of carrying the burden alone.  Much thanks to my husband Rick for standing firm beside me. 

My son is spending the night in a Juvenile Detention Center.  Police were called to the hotel room where he was staying with his girlfriend and her grandmother.  The police detained him and called his father, who did not answer.  Why all this calling of the father and not the mother?  Because while we share joint custody, the state really only aknowledges that his father is the “custodial” parent because Keith has always resided with him since 2003. 

As the “custodial” parent the burden of making this child go to school and follow the rules falls solely onto his father.  This is just in my opinion as he’s the one that left the marriage and left me homeless and nevermind..let’s not dredge up the past.  Suffice it to say that you reap what you sow.

Keith had a warrant for his arrest because he missed a court apppearance yesterday.  An appearance due to his being caught with drug paraphenaila about 7 months ago.  What was he caught with?  I do not know exactly.  No one told me because I’m not the custodial parent despite having legal joint custody.  (One piece of advice to anyone getting or ever facing a divorce when children are involved…there is no such thing as legal joint custody, someone is always deemed the custodial parent even if you go to court and are granted joint custody.  The police, the school system and any other official place will deem you not the parent if the child does not live in your home 100% of the time.  Just a caution to anyone out there googling these terms.  The child’s “custodial” parent is often deemed the parent who’s address the childs school records share.)

He will be in court at 7:30 a.m.  His father states he will attend.  His girlfriend called me crying because in her words “they took him away!!!”  You cannot commit a crime and not face the consequences.  Her father, who yesterday I was told hated her and kicked her out, has miraculously taken her back in.  These teenage children who claim they have it so bad and that NO ONE loves them….yah right!!

My heart aches for how lost my child is.  The guilt and remorse and regret…they are the heaviest things I’ve carried and yet every sane person I’ve talked to in the past few days has overstated that I have done nothing wrong.  I am of the strong belief that this is a big mess that didn’t begin this week, last week or even last year.  This began for Keith in 2002 when he was 10 years old and his father walked out the door 2 day’s after Christmas.  This has been a slow unwinding of the yarn and now it’s a knotted mess.

My child is a statistic.  My ex-husband is irresponsible.  I am caught somewhere in the middle.  I want to help but you cannot erase damage once it is done.  Much of the information I’ve learned this week is all new to me….go figure, no one bothered to tell me, the mother.  Of course that might be because my ex-husband has long told me that Keith has “another” mother now and doesn’t need me. 

Where’s that douche bag now?

I should backtrack and explain that in the last 7 years, while I may not have blogged it…there have been periods of time upwards of 8 and 9 months when I haven’t even seen my child.  When I would call his father and ask him to have Keith call..and I never got a phone call.  Upon calling and calling again I was told either

a. Keith wasn’t home (even at 10:30 at night!) or

b. Keith was told to call but didn’t

Much of this mess falls on Keith too.  That’s a hard hard thing for me to come to grips with because I consider him a child and children are not responsible for raising themselves.  However, children are responsible for being respectful to their parents and in that aspect, Keith fails often.

I could write a memoir and it might be a bestseller or it might induce a lot of suicidal reactions.

After many tears, a long conversation with my Aunt in PA and a few other conversations with my best girlfriend in Florida….I decided not to go meet this grandma at 10 a.m.  I’m not into negotiating with a stranger.  I gave her no permission to get involved with my child.  I’m also not into traveling to a hotel to be on the receiving end of god knows what.  Nothing good could come of that.  Also, I should mention that in the past week not once has my own child spoke to me directly.  It’s about respect. I can’t begin to help him until he begins to show some respect to me.  All this woman did was rescue them with no expecations from or of them.

His father did not go and sent me a txt advising the following “Can’t make the ten o’clock.  I will meet them later today.”

I don’t have answers.  I second guess everything I’m doing.  But I’m not going to be anyone’s fool either.  Those day’s are over.  I threw the ball back into me ex-husband’s court so to speak.  He MUST step up and be a parent or pay the price for dropping the ball. You cannot simply dismiss your children when times are tough, which is what his Dad always trys to do.

Sometimes accountability must be forced upon him.

Me: I’m going to the hotel to talk to Chelsea’s grandmother tomorrow at 10 a.m.  Can you please come so that we can show Keith a united front and talk about this mess together?

Ex-husband: I have an important meeting tomorrow at 10 a.m. about moving to the Carribean.

Me: This is more important.

Ex-husband: I’ll see if I can move it.  I’ll call you in the morning.

$10,000 says that he won’t call or show…and if I call him it’ll go straight to voicemail.