shishnit.org

So much I rarely blog about.  But it has recently come to my attention that the ex-husband’s wife’s BMW was repossessed.

I emailed this information to my sister.

“Just found out last night from Keith that (the ex)’s wife’s BMW they bought 3 years ago was repossessed about 3 weeks ago.  He now gets up (the ex not Keith) at 4 a.m. to drive her into work and make it to work herself.  Can you imagine their drives into work?”

I usually do not gloat about these things and in fact there is a part of me that has always wished that he would get his shit together and be a better person. I always hold out hope that this time (when things seem on an upswing…) he will do okay.  I did it the entire 12 years we were married.  I have been doing it since we got divorced.  When he bought his house I crossed my invisible fingers that he’d manage to hang onto it.  Why?  Because it’s the best thing for my son.  It’s always been that way.  I want my son to have a father he can be proud of, etc.

I’ve spoken to my son all along about my feelings about the things his father chooses to do, and yet I have tried so hard not to be that parent in a divorce situation that badmouths their ex.  I try hard to walk the tightrope of being fair.  There are a few things I know for sure.

My ex-husband loves his son a lot.  My ex-husband has a lot of problems that have nothing to do with who or what is around him.  My ex-husband is precisely what my sister pegged him to be in her reply….

Awwww….poor guy.  Yeah right – he gets what he deserves.  Why can’t he just work a regular job and pay his bills like everyone else has to?!!!  He has a pipe dream of being someone important and wealthy.   

 
My ex-husband is a sociopath.  He has problems.  Problems that don’t excuse his bad choices nor do those problems make it any easier for those that choose to care for him. My son loves his father but he’s reaching an age whereby he sees things from a different perspective too.  My ex and I do not see eye to eye regarding religion, race, sexual preferences, political beliefs, etc.  We are two totally different people.  Sometimes now it’s impossible for me to remember why I ever wanted to be with him.  I blame it on youth. Because now that I know who I am and I understand who he is, it makes me draw a blank as to how or why we ever ended up together.  He doesn’t want to work for someone else, its above him to take on a part time job to get his finances straightened out.  He makes bad choices financially and otherwise (I mean look who he married….another person with no goals, aspirations etc beyond being a home wrecker).

The worse part is that my ex had to come clean and admit something about this BMW that disappeared and the impact it has on their day to day life.  He told Keith that they did in fact repossess it and that he has enough money in the bank to pay the car off but doesn’t feel the car is worth it so they will not be getting it back.

Who convinces themselves that this is the truth?  Only he can….my ex that is.  The sad part is that when I think about his wife….I laugh.  She so wanted my life and she’s getting it in large doses.

Last night after I ended my conversation with my son, who is brilliant and amazing and all things good, I went for a walk with Rick to take Chloe out before bed.  I started to talk about how frustrating sociopathic behavior is and how much it used to affect my outlook on life.  And how sad the entire thing is because despite all the pain he caused me in the past I wish he would get it straight and live life like a normal person because truly that’s what my son deserves.  I try to take all of this and make it all a life lesson for my son.  To learn what NOT to do because he sees the consequences his father is paying.  Going to bed at 8 p.m. to get up at 4 a.m. because you bought a car you never really could afford and now you’ve managed to lose it to repossession.  Lest we not forget their house was just in foreclosure, it appears they did a re-org loan on that and so it’s hard to say how long that band-aid will last either.

It’s all a mess.  One that many tell me not to think about or concern myself with.  But wait….wait people..you don’t get it.  The one person I love more than life itself…is affected by these things.  And that is my son….our son.  The little boy we brought into this world…and as long as I’m in this world I will concern myself with all that affects my child.

I hope that he is as strong as I interpret him to be.  I hope that he gets it the way he seems to.  I hope that he knows that his father has problems that are not entirely of his own doing.  Sociopath’s have mental illnesses.  I have never uttered these words because to be quite honest….that mental illness made me mentally ill for years.

Last night walking with Rick aching for what my son is seeing….aching for all the years that sociopathic behavior tortured me and made me depressed…suicidal and angst ridden….I realized….

I am calm.  I am peaceful.  My life is rewarding.  I have met goals.  I have purchased a house. I have clean credit.  I have a car no one will ever take away and so does Rick.  I have Chloe and I have love.

But I still don’t have my biggest wish…..  Sure I laugh at him…sure I think she deserves it and perhaps he does to…but honestly I wish I could make him better…but I gave up on that idea when he ended our marriage.  These are all things for her to worry about now….and yet I love my son.

It’s like some choices you make in life will haunt you to some degree for the rest of your life.

I said all of these things would come to pass.  When he and his wife were living the high life going on cruises…I told Keith to have fun…that it wouldn’t last.  I told Rick that I had to get my degree because he would never sustain things long enough…he being the ex.  I told everyone that I had a plan because I could see the writing on the wall.  They all nodded, but no one ever got it.  I took the time when all the juggling balls were in the air to put myself in a better situation to help my son…because when the circus tent was up and the show was going full blast I knew there would be a fire one day to burn it all down…..sociopaths have patterns…they never weave a different rug.  My ex’s world is one that I lived in for years, so while everyone smiled and his stupid bitch wife acted smug about her new car…I nodded and smiled…I even sang along to the circus music.  I knew the big top would come down one day…

I’m grateful to the universe that my son truly talks to me, that my husband loves me and that I have so much to be joyful about despite this one thing that makes me so sad sometimes I can’t hold it all in….  I’m grateful that I stuck to my guns and dismissed all the torturous commentary from those that never attended the circus with me.  I’m proud of myself and so glad I listened to my own heart.  I’m proud of my son and I’m glad he chooses to listen to his own heart too…that is the thing that I am proudest of in the end.

And it’s sad, so sad,

There ain’t no easy way round.

And it’s sad, so sad,

All you friends gather round

‘Cause the circus left town.

-Eric Clapton

Just two weeks ago I went to a used bookstore and found a copy of a book that was once mine…my name was in it….my former name…. 

I almost bought it…. 

I mean I didn’t sell it to them…I’m sure he did 

but instead I realized I’m not that girl anymore….not one bit…this girl can buy a new copy 

When you get married and divorced there is one thing that man has given you that he cannot take back.  His last name.  The day I got divorced my ex-husbands attorney asked me if I didn’t want to change my name.  My maiden name is extremely long and complicated and hellacious and no I didn’t want to.  I wanted to keep that short 4 letter name I earned in a long arduous marriage that made me miserable.  

I stood my ground and stated, “Your honor, can you please remind “his” attorney that he is not “my” attorney.  Thank you.”

The judge threw down the gavel…at least this is what I recall…and that was that.  I had the name for 12 years and I kept it.  Why I felt victorious had nothing to do with the name, a name I am still required to type into my work software systems because the company will change your “displayed” name but your user ID remains the same until I suppose you quit, get fired or die. 

Now that I’ve been remarried for exactly 2 years, 5 months, and 12 days or 894 days or 127 weeks, or 77,241,600 seconds and I still have to type my ex-husbands last name every single day several dozen times a day. I would really like to not have to do that.  I have no idea who to complain to in such a large corporation.

When my first husband took up with the next door neighbor and then married her, it occurred to me that she just completely wanted to “steal” my life.  I felt slighted by both of them because I knew her as well.  I was an emotional mess from years of mental abuse and lies.  I could not see clearly then what I have learned in the last 5 years, it was a blessing.

I have refrained from blogging about my ex-husband, his messes, etc.  I have done so partly for my own sanity and partly out of respect for my son’s privacy.  However, it has been difficult and now this new information is too juicy for me to hold in.

Because I’m purchasing a house and have mortgage lenders and brokers going over my finances with a fine tooth comb, and because I had a foreclosure on my record from the ex-husband’s cheating ways in the year 2001, they did a search on my name and any names associated with mine in the last ten years.

Let it be known that my ex-husband’s big ass house that he paid too much money for in 2005 with my previous next whore neighbor, is in foreclosure.  He was also recently arrested for writing a Trampoline Trust Fund check.  IE: An insufficient funds check in the amount of $4,000.  He also has a judgment against him for over $40,000 that appears to be from someone business related.  That business he had that had the fancy signs…is now defunct.  Things are falling apart in his life again and I’m glad I’m no longer married to him to experience that world yet again.

I thought I would rejoice at his inevitable downfall.

I actually feel bad for him and am concerned for my son.  I even called him and told him I would do anything I could to assist in anything Keith needs.

He claims they are doing a re-org and everything is fine, but he’s a habitual liar too.  So who knows anything for sure.  Funny that I have accepted who he is, and it no longer affects me so acceptance is easier.  I no longer hate or loathe him. 

But for her….I would love to be able to say “thanks for taking my nightmare, I appreciate it.  You wanted to steal my life, congratulations you now officially have it.”

I close on my house tomorrow at 3 p.m.

Irony.

I just spent hours uploading my CD’s to iTunes. My CD’s have been sitting in a box since we moved last year. I really haven’t had time to even crack that box and I’ve been existing on every CD that’s been in my car for the last year and anything I’ve purchased on iTunes. But now I have some of my old and favorite CD’s on my iPod and this one simple thing makes me quite happy. It feels so good to hear Drownin’ by Sponge.

Then I spent quite a few hours working on school related stuff. I can honestly say that by and large I am like a machine where school is concerned these days. I know what I need to do and like a robot I go through the motions. I don’t have the same zest for all of it like I once did. I think this is due in large part to the fact that my current and recent courses have been things I haven’t really been excited by. Hopefully that will change soon.

I went to Target tonight for about an hour. That’s really all I could stomach. For some reason I just saw everything as Candy for the Eyes instead of necessities etc. I bought a few things and was looking for a gift for Rick for Valentines Day. I found little to nothing and ended up with shampoo and some flaxseed crackers. I don’t think that will suffice.

I did something recently that even surprised me. I paid his car insurance bill to help him out without even asking him or telling him but instead by calling the company and paying it all on my own accord. Who the hell was that girl who did that? Seriously the trust is amazing even to me. I don’t do things like that for people. Sounds cold and perhaps I have been but that’s what a grungy divorce does to you. You see, the month of December was hellacious on his work schedule. Meaning he barely seemed to be working much at all. I was starting to feel resentful because I was working every day and not always feeling so great physically or mentally and coming home to find him sitting on the couch or on his computer looking quite relaxed was working on my last nerve. But he busts his hump when things are normal and that time of the year is always slow. People, even rich people, don’t move close to or near the holidays. Not ever. No moving, no work for the man.

When I did it I even amazed myself because I didn’t feel resentful about it at all. I’m a very “me me me” sort of person after having to struggle to get my life straight after allowing someone else close enough to fuck me all over mentally and financially.

My credit report was pulled last week. My medium score is 640. This amazes me because 5 years ago it was 310, which is horrific. I was told by the person that pulled it last week that my credit score was good and I need not worry. Nice. I have to say the way I accomplished this improvement was not easy. I began to view my personal finances as if it were a job task and I tackled it the way I would take on a new project at work. I set up an Excel format to document all my bills, their due dates etc. It was very clinical almost. I had to remove myself emotionally from it all and begin to tackle it from the viewpoint of being completely cold and methodical about it. It worked. I fixed it. I have no idea how long it actually took because I never pulled a report in all that time. I just know it’s fixed now.

No, not everything is perfect but I seriously sometimes have to pinch myself because my life is so vastly different and better than it was before. The only thing that sucks is the son situation. I can’t and won’t ever discuss him to great depth here. Not now that he’s 15. He’s doing fine and we’re fine. Enough said. I just wish it was different and I could wave some magic wand. That’s more than I should say.