shishnit.org

When you get married and divorced there is one thing that man has given you that he cannot take back.  His last name.  The day I got divorced my ex-husbands attorney asked me if I didn’t want to change my name.  My maiden name is extremely long and complicated and hellacious and no I didn’t want to.  I wanted to keep that short 4 letter name I earned in a long arduous marriage that made me miserable.  

I stood my ground and stated, “Your honor, can you please remind “his” attorney that he is not “my” attorney.  Thank you.”

The judge threw down the gavel…at least this is what I recall…and that was that.  I had the name for 12 years and I kept it.  Why I felt victorious had nothing to do with the name, a name I am still required to type into my work software systems because the company will change your “displayed” name but your user ID remains the same until I suppose you quit, get fired or die. 

Now that I’ve been remarried for exactly 2 years, 5 months, and 12 days or 894 days or 127 weeks, or 77,241,600 seconds and I still have to type my ex-husbands last name every single day several dozen times a day. I would really like to not have to do that.  I have no idea who to complain to in such a large corporation.

When my first husband took up with the next door neighbor and then married her, it occurred to me that she just completely wanted to “steal” my life.  I felt slighted by both of them because I knew her as well.  I was an emotional mess from years of mental abuse and lies.  I could not see clearly then what I have learned in the last 5 years, it was a blessing.

I have refrained from blogging about my ex-husband, his messes, etc.  I have done so partly for my own sanity and partly out of respect for my son’s privacy.  However, it has been difficult and now this new information is too juicy for me to hold in.

Because I’m purchasing a house and have mortgage lenders and brokers going over my finances with a fine tooth comb, and because I had a foreclosure on my record from the ex-husband’s cheating ways in the year 2001, they did a search on my name and any names associated with mine in the last ten years.

Let it be known that my ex-husband’s big ass house that he paid too much money for in 2005 with my previous next whore neighbor, is in foreclosure.  He was also recently arrested for writing a Trampoline Trust Fund check.  IE: An insufficient funds check in the amount of $4,000.  He also has a judgment against him for over $40,000 that appears to be from someone business related.  That business he had that had the fancy signs…is now defunct.  Things are falling apart in his life again and I’m glad I’m no longer married to him to experience that world yet again.

I thought I would rejoice at his inevitable downfall.

I actually feel bad for him and am concerned for my son.  I even called him and told him I would do anything I could to assist in anything Keith needs.

He claims they are doing a re-org and everything is fine, but he’s a habitual liar too.  So who knows anything for sure.  Funny that I have accepted who he is, and it no longer affects me so acceptance is easier.  I no longer hate or loathe him. 

But for her….I would love to be able to say “thanks for taking my nightmare, I appreciate it.  You wanted to steal my life, congratulations you now officially have it.”

I close on my house tomorrow at 3 p.m.

Irony.

I just spent hours uploading my CD’s to iTunes. My CD’s have been sitting in a box since we moved last year. I really haven’t had time to even crack that box and I’ve been existing on every CD that’s been in my car for the last year and anything I’ve purchased on iTunes. But now I have some of my old and favorite CD’s on my iPod and this one simple thing makes me quite happy. It feels so good to hear Drownin’ by Sponge.

Then I spent quite a few hours working on school related stuff. I can honestly say that by and large I am like a machine where school is concerned these days. I know what I need to do and like a robot I go through the motions. I don’t have the same zest for all of it like I once did. I think this is due in large part to the fact that my current and recent courses have been things I haven’t really been excited by. Hopefully that will change soon.

I went to Target tonight for about an hour. That’s really all I could stomach. For some reason I just saw everything as Candy for the Eyes instead of necessities etc. I bought a few things and was looking for a gift for Rick for Valentines Day. I found little to nothing and ended up with shampoo and some flaxseed crackers. I don’t think that will suffice.

I did something recently that even surprised me. I paid his car insurance bill to help him out without even asking him or telling him but instead by calling the company and paying it all on my own accord. Who the hell was that girl who did that? Seriously the trust is amazing even to me. I don’t do things like that for people. Sounds cold and perhaps I have been but that’s what a grungy divorce does to you. You see, the month of December was hellacious on his work schedule. Meaning he barely seemed to be working much at all. I was starting to feel resentful because I was working every day and not always feeling so great physically or mentally and coming home to find him sitting on the couch or on his computer looking quite relaxed was working on my last nerve. But he busts his hump when things are normal and that time of the year is always slow. People, even rich people, don’t move close to or near the holidays. Not ever. No moving, no work for the man.

When I did it I even amazed myself because I didn’t feel resentful about it at all. I’m a very “me me me” sort of person after having to struggle to get my life straight after allowing someone else close enough to fuck me all over mentally and financially.

My credit report was pulled last week. My medium score is 640. This amazes me because 5 years ago it was 310, which is horrific. I was told by the person that pulled it last week that my credit score was good and I need not worry. Nice. I have to say the way I accomplished this improvement was not easy. I began to view my personal finances as if it were a job task and I tackled it the way I would take on a new project at work. I set up an Excel format to document all my bills, their due dates etc. It was very clinical almost. I had to remove myself emotionally from it all and begin to tackle it from the viewpoint of being completely cold and methodical about it. It worked. I fixed it. I have no idea how long it actually took because I never pulled a report in all that time. I just know it’s fixed now.

No, not everything is perfect but I seriously sometimes have to pinch myself because my life is so vastly different and better than it was before. The only thing that sucks is the son situation. I can’t and won’t ever discuss him to great depth here. Not now that he’s 15. He’s doing fine and we’re fine. Enough said. I just wish it was different and I could wave some magic wand. That’s more than I should say.

Someone at work asked me if our school system was out on break today.  To which I responded.  “I don’t know!” She then asked, “Don’t you have a son attending a Pinellas County school?  I said, “Yes, yes I do…but when it comes to my son I am on the Board of Directors but I am not involved in the day to day operations.”

This reminds me of an entry I’ve been meaning to write for a very long long time.  I have refrained from speaking about the following

1. my son
2. my arrangements with his father

I think, however, that it is time.  I recently spoke to another co-worker who told me that at the time of her marital split she too decided that her two children were better off living with their father.  And yes, it was I who stood up and said, “No, you’re taking him!” in regards to my son.  Why?  A few reasons.

1. his father made far more money than I (notice I said “made”)
2. he left me homeless so I felt that I was set up for failure if I took him at that time
3. my son was at an age that I felt he needed his father’s influence

My son is not too happy with his father recently and I won’t delve into how he feels or what he’s said to me because those are private conversations.  My ex-husband has fashioned his life just as I called it several years ago.  I said that he’d do ok for awhile..and he did.  I watched as he took cruises and spent ridiculas amounts of money on new cars, a new house, etc. etc. etc.  And I told myself it didn’t matter to me anymore and it was good for my son.  But somehow in the back of my head there’s always been this creeping feeling that I would one day be placed in a position to take on my son, and that was a strong reason why I enrolled in college.  I wanted to be able to take it on, if it were ever placed on me solely and entirely.  I had visions of what if’s that never ended.  What if he goes to jail for something?  What if he loses his job and can’t find another?  What if his wife leaves him and he starts to not pay his bills and goes into foreclosure? What if he’s still truly the same loser in disguise and it all falls apart for him again?

I then spent several years being berated for my choices.  And then I spoke to this co-worker that made the same exact choice as I and we “got” each other.  It made me start to re-think and think and evaluate my previous choice.  And I stand by it.  I chose the best thing at that moment.  I’ve tackled college in efforts to take on something I could not way back when.  My son speaks often to me about wanting to be with me over his father.  I refuse to be his constant “fixer” because life isn’t that way.  Life doesn’t fix every conflict you have.  You have to own it and fix it yourself.  I try not to let my son play me against his father and/or vice versa.  Being that communication only happens when I prompt it with my ex, this has been challenging at best.

However, my son is doing ok.  He’s probably learned more in the last few years than I could have ever taught him.  He’s bright, pretty well adjusted, sometimes teenage years are confusing and I see him struggling through certain things, but that’s nothing to do with the situation between his father and I, but just falls under “teenage years” category.

I’ve been dealing with certain things with my son and yet I haven’t talked about it here out of respect for his privacy.  It’s hard because I’m used to just writing what I want and not caring about someone else’s reactions.  It’s been very difficult in fact.  I like to examine where I am, where I came from, where I’m going, etc.  So the inability to do so here has been a drawback for me.  And I’ve already said more than I was planning to….enough said.  I have it all figured out in my own head..but it’s so hard to put it down into words when employing self censoring.  Gah…

Most of the time I forget.  Most of the time I don’t think about it at all.  This is amazing since I have a child in the middle of it.  However, and seriously, I don’t think about it unless….unless I read about it, someone else talks about their own situation and that reminds me.

What am I talking about?  Divorce.

I imagine I don’t think about it unless….and because I’m really just happily married.  That’s the part of my life that I DO think about. 

Jan 12, 2003….that was a pretty damn cool day.  And then so was November 26, 2005.  That was another amazing day.  I suppose those two days and every thing in-between and since has pretty much erased the word “Divorce” from my daily thought processes.

So tonight…when I traced back a link on my blog page and found a girl who got married not all that long ago…a girl that writes amazing poetry…a girl I met online so so long ago I can’t even remember or recall when and saw that she’s separated from her husband ….it hit me.

What did?

That fucking divorce feeling.  I can’t even explain it.  But it sucks ass.

I’m now sitting here trying to will it out of my head….and thankfully it’s relatively easy because Rick is right beside me.  I’ll be just fine….

I’m honestly thankful….that we’ve been together for soon to be 5 years and will be celebrating our 2^nd wedding anniversary soon.  It’s a sweet feeling.  But somehow I think once you’ve been to the dark side called divorce you can’t read about it or anything having to do with it casually again.  Once you’ve been through hell you are keenly aware that it exists.  You are also equally happy that you have all that you have on the other side.  To that girl that writes nine times better than I do on even my great day’s…..I’m thinking about you.

To my husband…who loves me right back always….I love you honey!