shishnit.org

I hate mommy blogs whereby the mother complains about being a stay at home mom, complains about her whiney bratty children and utterly has no gratitude for anything in her life.  Hate them. I could provide a list, but I’m sure everyone’s read one or two or three thousand of these ranting bitches blog’s. Yes, attack me, I don’t care.  I’m sick of them.

My mother used to listen to “My Sharona” by the Knack full blast on the radio when it came on.  Meaning this was before cassette tapes and CD’s even.  She had an 8-track player in her car when I was a young child.  This is the only song that reminds me of my mother and wouldn’t you know it, I hear the damn thing all the time.  I never speak about how much the chosen absence of my mother (her choice) affects me.  Mostly because I have learned to move through the world without a mother, but it doesn’t mean it is easy.  It can be lonely and heart wrenching.  She turned 60 this year.  It’s been 17 years.  In two more years I will have lived as much of my life without a mother as I did with one.

Rick’s brother Randy wants to quit his job. Ok I don’t think he wants to but his gf wants him too so he can stay home and watch Matthew all day.  She has to do some sort of nursing training and they have never put Matthew with a daycare or a babysitter and low and behold that would cost money so Randy is considering quitting his job. I have one thing to say….MISTAKE.  His gf is STILL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD married to someone else.  Therefore she can’t put Randy on her health insurance, etc.  And if she ever decides to up and leave him like she left the last one, he’s f’d.

My son came to me about 9 months ago and told me he thinks he is bisexual.  I think its highly possible that he’s simply just gay. I also could care less what he decides his sexual preference is.  My ex-husband is a Jesus Convenient and refuses to believe this is possible, because his lame ass considers homosexuality a sin.  Fool.  Have I mentioned lately how much I hate him?

I snore.  At night if it wakes Rick up, he will often wake up and act like a fool about how I am somehow doing this on purpose and that I can control my nasal passages and their behavior while I’m sleeping. This pisses me off because Rick also snores, but when his snoring bothers me, I remove myself from the bedroom and let him sleep.  I resent that I quietly do this but he doesn’t.  

I got asked out today by a cute guy.  A guy that I see often but don’t pay any mind to because I’m happily married, a guy that I only know in passing because he’s the delivery boy that brings my lunch occasionally when I order out from his place of business. I would venture to guess that he’s about 26 years old.  Considering my age, this is a nice compliment.  He had no clue, thought I was his age.  

In the last few months my ex-husband has a. had his house in foreclosure (it appears he may have restructured his loan for the time being), b. pled guilty to writing a rubber check for over 4k. (has to pay it back with fines and costs) and c. lost his drivers license (public records doesn’t say why but I think it might be because he hasn’t paid on the aforementioned restitution on time, etc.  I haven’t talked about any of it because while it concerns me, I’ve tried to move away from it as much as possible.  

A few days ago I drove down the street that I used to own a house on, the house that was foreclosed on due to the ex-husband’s lying and cheating ways.  I noticed that the next door neighbor’s house looked entirely different.  The previous next whore neighbors house that is.  And it had a for sale sign in front.  The next day I hunted down the house on realtor.com to learn that her ex-husband remodeled the entire house and now lives in a much nicer house with his new woman.  I hope he makes a killing on that remodel job because he deserves it.  And yes, maybe I’m crazy because I still always wish the best for that man. We were both equally wronged by our spouses, and the best revenge is to live a better life than theirs.

After being in college since Jan of 2005 I find it nearly impossible to write without fixing sentences etc.  It’s taken some of the blog writing and poetry writing thunder out of my storm.

I bought a house, we bought a house. (Technically I did it…but technically it’s our house) and we both still have savings.  And that my friend’s is sweet.

List of things I want to do to the house.

1. put a door in to access the outside patio without walking around the entire left side of the house
2. Paint all the rooms
3. Have a party
4. Organize
5. Hang up art, candles, pictures, etc.
6. Buy patio furniture
7. Organize 2^nd bedroom
8. find professional kitchen type shelves for kitchen (help!)

I am taking a film class after I finish Astronomy and Mythology.  Nice.  I can’t wait.  Something creative. I also got a flat screen TV for my birthday from Rick, it’s going in the bedroom.  

Well there you have it, if I have talked about any of these things before I don’t recall. 

Yesterday was Matthew’s birthday. He’s 1 already. If he could understand I would thank him so so much for being patient with me and my personal issues long enough to allow me to grow to love him without measure. He’s the sweetest boy ever and I’m one lucky Aunt to have him. He still smells like little baby…so precious.

It’s nearly 6 a.m. and I’m wide awake.  I haven’t done this in forever.  I’m wired because of the last few stressful days.  But oddly I don’t want to talk about the house.  I want to talk about something I don’t think I’ve ever talked about.

My brother in law Doug.  He is Rick’s half brother from the same father, different mother. Doug and I met the same exact night I met Rick.  In fact it was Doug’s then girlfriend who introduced me to Rick but yet it was a joint effort because Doug went and got Rick from where he was to bring him to where I was.

Doug is a notorious smart ass and so am I and so he and I have always had a sort of love/hate relationship.  We love to hate each other.  We consistently try to outdo each other with the insults etc.  Tonight Rick and I went to visit Doug. I normally allow Rick to have his “man” time with his brother Doug.  Doug has lived less than five minutes away form Rick and I for the last 5 years.  While I don’t know Doug’s precise age, I do know he’s at least 12 years older than Rick, perhaps more.  I’m sorta rambling here, but tonight I realized that in my heart of hearts I really LIKE Doug and like him a lot in fact.  I love to verbally spar with him and I especially love the fact that he says what he truly means and means what he always says.  I can really dig a person who does that.  And he really doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks about him or how he chooses to live.I think I’ve always truly liked Doug but his personality mixed with mine creates a humorous back and forth sparing that is always hilarious.  I rarely speak about him because I tend to veer away from speaking about Rick’s family out of respect.  I have always envied him his relationships with his brother’s.  They do not always make sense but they always look out for each other and they’ve always been close.  When I met Rick I gained all of these other zany boys in some way too.  In the last 5 years I have grown quite used to them and have grown to appreciate them on a different level.  I’m no longer envious of Rick’s luck and more grateful for my own.  

Tonight, all in one evening, Rick’s twin brother Randy and his family came to visit and I quite enjoyed shoving my nose into baby Matthews neck and sniffing in his baby glorious smell while he giggled and allowed me to kiss his chubby cheeks endlessly.  I then went with Rick to visit his brother Doug and sat with them while they rambled on about poker, bills, life, etc.  I’ve always enjoyed any time that I’ve gone to visit Doug and tonight for the first time I realized entirely a piece of the puzzle.  Doug reminds me of my own father in so many ways.  My father was outspoken, zany, fun and also didn’t give a shit what people thought of him.  But he too was just a good guy.For the first time ever I asked Doug for his email address so I could shoot over some house pictures for him to see.  When we lived in the apartment complex there was never any parking and Doug would complain about coming to visit us because of this fact. 

So when I sent my email I said “we have tons of parking space too!”  I got a return email from him saying

…it looks nice    I SEE IT GOT A POKER ROOM  HEEHAWS

This is his reference to our screened patio at the back of the house.  Doug has one on his house and it’s the notorious poker room everyone goes to.  I can only hope that Rick will have many hours of rowdy poker playing fun with his brother’s in our new home.I suppose I just wanted to state for the record, I love Rick’s family and I’m glad they let me.  I had a moment of clarity tonight when I realized we spent a majority of the evening with his brother’s separately and I had a great time being a part of family.  The line between what is his and what is mine has completely blurred and it feels wonderful. We also had another encounter on Thursday night with his nephew Sean and his girlfriend Kelli.  Sean is now 18.  Sean was just 13 when I first met him. 

I’ve always joked with Doug that Rick is not allowed around him without my permission because he’s trouble and a bad influence…lol…….but tonight…after much realization…I responded to his email as follows. Yes it has a poker room and yes he’s allowed to invite you over to play.  I can close the door on y’all. 

Doug jr., Doug and Sean showing up for our wedding two years ago.  Doug never dresses up so this was me grabbing the camera because Doug and his son bought matching suits for the wedding.  It was a great moment.  Sean changed clothes after he arrived.  So this is my nephew, my brother in law and my other nephew.

Rick has two sisters too.  One lives in Illinois in Rick’s hometown and the other just moved with our 3 nephews including Sean, to Ohio recently.  We have 5 nephews (including baby Matthew) on Rick’s side of the family and 2 nieces on mine.   Rick also has another half brother who lives in Orlando.  I’m lucky.  But don’t tell Doug that I actually “love” him.   

I’m not often reminded of why smalltowns suck, but when I am I am again grateful that I no longer live in one.  Everyone in a small town must either

a. cause problems for others

b. snoop into other peoples business

or

c. wreak havoc

I don’t really want to explain except to say that I feel that I am an adult and need no one’s permission to do as I choose in my life.  People in smalltowns think they have a right to butt into your business.

I barely speak to my family as it is.  Why? Because for the most part they do not know me.  They haven’t coincided or been a part of my life in any real way for a very long time.  I choose to keep it that way.  I prefer it that way.  I am again reminded of why.

While nothing life threatening happened it is again a reminder that I prefer to live where I live, in a world where people are not smalltown backwards.