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The world’s cutest baby now has her first modeling gig.

Isn’t little baby Clementine just to die for cute?  And aren’t those hat’s her mommy makes to die for adorable?

This is Boxx’s granddaughter.  I’ve been reading Boxx’s blog for..EVAH…she’s inspiring and I love her.  And little baby Clementine makes me smile every single time I see her peeping out of her grandma’s blog.  And Clementines talented Mommy sure makes some cute hats!  What a cute gift they would make for the hard to buy first, second or third baby in a family or just for the totally cute little one’s.

but I will miss her.

Yesterday Karen passed away.

How is it that you can love someone that you have never met? How is it that I called my Grandmother and asked her to pray?  How is it that I’m sitting here crying.  This is why I’m crying

Karen is one absolutely fantastic woman.  A woman who’s book made me laugh, cry, and laugh even some more.  Her book is far far better than most memoirs I have read to date.  Truly.  She is a fine lady who has given me the absolute best advice over the years.  The most recent being here.  When she left that message I had a long conversation with Rick that night.  We made up and resolved that marital bump in the road because of her. Because of her wisdom and her willingness to step up and give me some advice. We had an email exchange that went far deeper into the topic than what was even on that blog post.  She continued to step up and talk me through my own confusion and pain.  She truly helped me. AND it was not the first time she ever did that, I really can’t fathom it being the last time.  I just found every email she ever sent to me and she signed them all

Friend,

 
Karen

I’ve been following along with her life (you know….reading her blog) since August of 2001 when I started my own diary over at diaryland.  That is a very long time to have someone be a part of your every day life.  When I sent out a graduation announcement email it was her response (after watching my former trainwreck of a life and hanging in there through many many aggravating blog posts and her following through my transformation always encouraging me) that truly made me cry with self pride.  She truly aknowledged my accomplishment like few other people have.  She touched me so so many times. 

I am so so heartbroken. I think I’m going to go sit in a dark room now and cry.   She’s exactly the type of woman I wish I had had for my very own mother….she has never been just a “friend” to me or just a “blog” I read.  I wish I would have told her exactly  these words “I wish you were my Mother” because I thought it so so many times over the years.  I’ve always wanted a mother, not mine….but someone like Karen…someone exactly like Karen. I love her.   

I said long ago that when the ride was over I would cry.  I had no earthly idea how hard it was going to be.  My workpal Chad was fired (let go…due to not meeting standards that are impossible to meet for anyone…honestly not because he deserved it) and that was over a month ago. I haven’t yet had the fucking heart to even blog about it.  It didn’t hit me for a few weeks either.  And now it’s been nearly a month and I feel as though I am mourning someone’s death.  I go to work and I miss him.  A lot!!  I really miss him more than seems normal but it’s as if I’m working a job that’s no longer the same because his presence is gone.  I do keep in touch with him and I have talked to him at least twice a week since he left, but this was someone I talked to every dang day before…for up to 9 hours a day!!!  I miss him because not too many people get my sense of humour and he actually perpetuates it and brings out the best in my funny bone.  I miss that. I miss someone to laugh so hard with that my side hurts and I fear peeing my pants. 

I miss him so freaking much it’s making me insane.  He once said he would miss BS’in with me when the ride was over…..  I knew then it would be hard when it came to some natural end…but damn I had no idea how much it would hurt.

I’ve worked with dozens of people in my adult life…and rarely do you have so much fun with another human being.  He and I laughed so much we were humour partners in crime. I am walking in graduation on Saturday and Chad won’t be there.  He feels odd coming to an event so utterly surrounded by what are for him ..former co-workers.  I understand it and don’t expect him to arrive but I really always envisioned my graduation with a few dozen whoopie cushions going off when they said my name…whoopie cushions courtesty of Chad’s doing.  That won’t happen now…and I am more than sad about it.

Chad was there the entire time I worked through my undergrad and made jokes to keep me motivated and going every time I complained or said I wanted to quit.  He was there from week 1 at my job.  And now he’s not at work and he won’t be at my graduation.  I asked him to send a big gift to make up for his absence and he laughed and said “Yah right Chef, I’m unemployed…Daddy can’t send no big gift!”  I got a birthday card from my co-workers and Chad’s name wasn’t on it….it seriously made me go in the bathroom and cry.

My friend Chad…at some work event a few years ago….

Tonight I sent him this email.  It’s rare for me to tell someone how I really feel….but I had to.

……

Its like being in your favorite bar without any drinking buddies in sight.

Like having a brand new pack of condoms and nobody to fuck.

It’s like finding a chocolate cake (after two weeks of straight dieting) in your fridge but then realizing it’s got mold growing on the side of it.

Like buying a new book and reading to page 100 only to realize at 2 a.m. when you get to the good part that page 101 thru 200 are missing and 1-100 are repeated.

It’s like buying a new car and it breaks down on your first ride home.

It’s like feeling like you’re the only one that gets it and no one else around you does.

It’s like going to church and having no one to laugh with at the funny pants on the old woman sitting in front of you.

Like winning $1,000 and then losing the ticket on the way to cash it in.

Like wearing a new pair of pants and the first time you sit down they split down the seam. (not that THAT has ever happened to me…..!!!)

  
I am going crazy being in here without you. 

I see things and there’s no one to laugh with.

Feee-uck it’s hard to explain.

It’s like being in the big house but Bertha got out before you. 

I miss you Bertha.

p.s. I didn’t eat the cake either!!
 

A few weekends ago I went to Target to waste time..check things out….and of course drop my normal $60 on something I didn’t need before I went in there.  Upon arriving I decided to get a soda and a pretzel for a quick snack, since their snack bar is uber cheap.

*As an aside to this normally scheduled blog post.  Does anyone else remember the snack bar that used to be at Hills, K-mart or some such store. (Hill’s stores are in the North..) where they had the tall chrome snack bar stools and food was served via a lunch tray?  I remember fondly going into some such store as a child and loving that snack bar.

After ordering my pretzel and drink I walked over to the self serve soda fountain and was filling up my cup.  Some woman that was sitting down commented to me about my hairstyle.  She said she loved it and that it was cut perfectly and the color was spot on.  I get this comment a lot. I cannot take credit for this commentary because it all goes to my hairdresser Becca.  I love Becca in a non physical way.  I have tried several times to take a photo of my hairstyle and it’s damn near impossible to do myself.  Perhaps one day I’ll ask Rick to take a picture of my hair.  Suffice it say it is not at all the reverse mullet that Kate Gosselin sports.

So…this woman compliments the hair, she has lovely hair too, we speak for awhile while I stand up 2 feet away from her at the soda machine and then I ended up sitting next to this woman who complimented my hair.  I then somehow ended up sitting there for 2+ hours chatting and bullshitting with this woman as though I knew her all my life.  She too had the “struggle with weight issues” and we specifically spoke about this to some length.  However, she had a high self esteem like me, and we chatted cheerfully about how other people perceive us, etc.  2+ hours I talked to this woman and for the life of me now I cannot recall her name, Laverne, Lorraine…it was a pretty L name of some type.  Towards the end of our delightfully unexpected connection she asked for my email address. I gave this woman my email address and my cellphone number.

It has been weeks and she has not called.

I want to know how she is.  Whatever happened with that man she was interested in.  If he accepted her date proposal. I want to know how she is.  Where she is??  You know you reach a certain age…your kids are grown and have their own friends and then outside of coworkers and long existing friendships..it’s darn near impossible to meet new friends unless you join some friend finder organization (ha! Do those exist?)  I rather liked this woman, we got along and laughed a lot.  So I want to know…..what’s going on in her world now. 

And more importantly I really want to know…

Why didn’t she call me?  Why didn’t she email…I mean emailing is non-threatening. What’s wrong with me?