shishnit.org

I hate mommy blogs whereby the mother complains about being a stay at home mom, complains about her whiney bratty children and utterly has no gratitude for anything in her life.  Hate them. I could provide a list, but I’m sure everyone’s read one or two or three thousand of these ranting bitches blog’s. Yes, attack me, I don’t care.  I’m sick of them.

My mother used to listen to “My Sharona” by the Knack full blast on the radio when it came on.  Meaning this was before cassette tapes and CD’s even.  She had an 8-track player in her car when I was a young child.  This is the only song that reminds me of my mother and wouldn’t you know it, I hear the damn thing all the time.  I never speak about how much the chosen absence of my mother (her choice) affects me.  Mostly because I have learned to move through the world without a mother, but it doesn’t mean it is easy.  It can be lonely and heart wrenching.  She turned 60 this year.  It’s been 17 years.  In two more years I will have lived as much of my life without a mother as I did with one.

Rick’s brother Randy wants to quit his job. Ok I don’t think he wants to but his gf wants him too so he can stay home and watch Matthew all day.  She has to do some sort of nursing training and they have never put Matthew with a daycare or a babysitter and low and behold that would cost money so Randy is considering quitting his job. I have one thing to say….MISTAKE.  His gf is STILL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD married to someone else.  Therefore she can’t put Randy on her health insurance, etc.  And if she ever decides to up and leave him like she left the last one, he’s f’d.

My son came to me about 9 months ago and told me he thinks he is bisexual.  I think its highly possible that he’s simply just gay. I also could care less what he decides his sexual preference is.  My ex-husband is a Jesus Convenient and refuses to believe this is possible, because his lame ass considers homosexuality a sin.  Fool.  Have I mentioned lately how much I hate him?

I snore.  At night if it wakes Rick up, he will often wake up and act like a fool about how I am somehow doing this on purpose and that I can control my nasal passages and their behavior while I’m sleeping. This pisses me off because Rick also snores, but when his snoring bothers me, I remove myself from the bedroom and let him sleep.  I resent that I quietly do this but he doesn’t.  

I got asked out today by a cute guy.  A guy that I see often but don’t pay any mind to because I’m happily married, a guy that I only know in passing because he’s the delivery boy that brings my lunch occasionally when I order out from his place of business. I would venture to guess that he’s about 26 years old.  Considering my age, this is a nice compliment.  He had no clue, thought I was his age.  

In the last few months my ex-husband has a. had his house in foreclosure (it appears he may have restructured his loan for the time being), b. pled guilty to writing a rubber check for over 4k. (has to pay it back with fines and costs) and c. lost his drivers license (public records doesn’t say why but I think it might be because he hasn’t paid on the aforementioned restitution on time, etc.  I haven’t talked about any of it because while it concerns me, I’ve tried to move away from it as much as possible.  

A few days ago I drove down the street that I used to own a house on, the house that was foreclosed on due to the ex-husband’s lying and cheating ways.  I noticed that the next door neighbor’s house looked entirely different.  The previous next whore neighbors house that is.  And it had a for sale sign in front.  The next day I hunted down the house on realtor.com to learn that her ex-husband remodeled the entire house and now lives in a much nicer house with his new woman.  I hope he makes a killing on that remodel job because he deserves it.  And yes, maybe I’m crazy because I still always wish the best for that man. We were both equally wronged by our spouses, and the best revenge is to live a better life than theirs.

After being in college since Jan of 2005 I find it nearly impossible to write without fixing sentences etc.  It’s taken some of the blog writing and poetry writing thunder out of my storm.

I bought a house, we bought a house. (Technically I did it…but technically it’s our house) and we both still have savings.  And that my friend’s is sweet.

List of things I want to do to the house.

1. put a door in to access the outside patio without walking around the entire left side of the house
2. Paint all the rooms
3. Have a party
4. Organize
5. Hang up art, candles, pictures, etc.
6. Buy patio furniture
7. Organize 2^nd bedroom
8. find professional kitchen type shelves for kitchen (help!)

I am taking a film class after I finish Astronomy and Mythology.  Nice.  I can’t wait.  Something creative. I also got a flat screen TV for my birthday from Rick, it’s going in the bedroom.  

Well there you have it, if I have talked about any of these things before I don’t recall. 

One of my coworkers who I adore and love to death happens to be gay.  This is a complete side note in my heart and soul because it’s of no consequence to me whatsoever.  I adore this guy because he happens to be one of the nicest people I’ve ever encountered and he’s recently endured a ton of my seeking information from him, all with a smile on his face.

However, he stresses out at work a lot.  Of course, there’s an easy explanation for this.  His job is mucho stressful. 

He buys lotions and potions for in his cubicle that are meant to reduce stress.  Often after a particularly stressful moment he will open the lotion and tell us all to take a good whiff.  It’s quite comical really.  But he’s so sweet and most of us just ache for his stressfreeness.  (that should be a word!)

Friday is his birthday.  I bought him a Flameless candle for in his cube.  It uses batteries and doesn’t have a real flame.  We are not allowed to burn candles at work.  He loves it.  I bought it in hopes of adding to his ZEN type cubicle.

However in a hilarious moment he came to me and in a low tone said “this is totally not politically correct…this “flameless” part on this box, I am a total FLAMER!”  He then threw up his arms and danced off.

And that was the best moment I’ve had all week at work.  That one was priceless.  And that was the best $4.99 I’ve ever spent at CVS.

My girlfriend Rosetta has a pretty amazing husband.  He was featured in the newspaper today. His full time job is as a musician and she’s a stay at home mom who picks up part time work to get out of the house occasionally.  They are the wonderful parents of my youngest wedding guest, Evan.  Evan is one blessed kid to have both his parents raising him on a daily basis nearly fulltime.  Most of his Daddy’s gigs happen after he’s safety tucked into bed.  But Evan is a budding guitar player himself…look out Dad, he might take over.

The feature story is here

2007 is basically over. While reviewing this year in my mind the only things that come to mind are the highlights.

The house, Infertility, College, Work

The year started off with Math, the end of Math.

The end of one position at work and the movement into another and then midyear yet another…two bosses this year and more to come in the next. Expansion is like that.

The year my son turned 15.

This year marked not as much blog writing as I ventured away from the computer as much as possible. Work and school require being stuck to a computer. I wanted life to be stuck in the living.

This is the year that I had every single girly part tested and scanned and looked at. Every single one. $38,000 worth of medical bills. Thank goodness for Health Insurance.

This is the year I got angry with my husband for his problems, yet this is also the year I realized that I love him despite his problems.

This is the year I learned that talking about, writing about or even speaking out loud of infertility makes infertility much more difficult to cope with, yet I have no regrets.

This is the year of two offices.

The year of Clomid.

The year of new spaces, new houses and new fenced yards.

The year of marked up calendars and counting days and planning sex.

This was the year of “extract” medicine and social fires.

Another year of writing papers, reading coursework and getting more A’s.

This year marked our second year of wedded togetherness

This year I didn’t blog as much. Nor did I feel obligated as much. Obligated to do anything simply out of obligation. I find that obligations lead to ill feelings.

This year I read a lot of Buddhism books. I also read a lot of self help books. I read and read and mostly read nonfiction and religion and psychology books. I entered the joyful electives in college and earned straight A’s in my core courses. I also gained a library and more space. I also gained a better outlook on life. I also started to have more faith in myself.

In 2008 I want to write more for fun. I want to write more from the gut about everything. I want to fear less what others might say to me about what I write and what I truly feel. I want to go back to not censoring myself because it’s healthier. I want simple things.]

My ABC’s of 2008

Authenticity – I want to be true to myself.

Artistic outlet – I want to write by hand, write poetry, type up my book to date

Books and Blogs – I want to continue to find time to “read”. Simply “read”. I want to continue to cut back on the blogs I read, reading only those that enrich me, empower me and make me learn something more.

Chloe – I want to hug her, kiss her, love her, keep her…forever.

Dawns, I want to watch the sun come up more often. Perhaps a few beach hours early in the morning.

Early morning breakfasts before work. I want to eat better.

Food, that is healthy.

Growth, I want to grow as a person and never forget how joyous learning is.

History, I want to let go of more emotional baggage this year.

Icing. I want to always remember to ice every cake, the best of anything without the icing is not the best that it can be.

Joking around. I love a good joke and want to find more of them this year.

Keith. I want to be closer to him this year. Teenage years suck!

Love. I want to give more away than I can possible gain for myself. I want to love without abandon.

Money. I want to save more, earn more, give more, and worry less.

Neverland. I want to remember my little girl side. I want to read more children’s books I loved as a child. I want to play more, dream more, make shapes out of clouds and let go of adult worries more often.

Open. I want to be open to new experiences, better relationships, deeper friendships.

PCOS. I want to conquer it. I want to rule it. I want to beat it.

Queen. I want to be the queen of my world every day. Imagining I have a crown and I can rule only my world.

Rick. I want to be closer, hug more, enjoy more, spend more time and do more without a heavy heart or fear or resentments.

Sex. More more more please. Happy joyful loving…

Time. I want more time to enjoy, more time to relax. More time to simply be.

Understanding. I want to find peace with my religious and spiritual path. I want to finally say “ah ha” and be one with it all.

Variety. I want to build new traditions and find a variety of ways to have fun. Fun, more fun please. Bubble baths and movie nights and more things together.

Without worrying. I want to explore without fear, do without worry and breath deeply instead of clenching my teeth with worry. Worry never mends a bridge, nor does it stop a flood. I want to build boats with my hope and paddle with my grief and make good use of the bad turning it into only good.

X. I want to truly 100% forgive my ex-husband. I say I have, I try to. I still get angry at him, against him, etc. I want to be able to tell him I’ve forgiven him once and for all.

Yoyo. I want to stop the yo yo dieting the yo yo changing. I want to accept that I will have to do certain things to have certain outcomes. I want to make small changes that equal bigger changes. I want to find peace in who I am while still being strong enough to change into something better. I want to stop going up and down in determining what it is that I truly want to be and just let it be. I just want to “be”.

Zealous. I want to be intense, passionate and enthusiastic about all the things I love to do in life. I want to adore, enjoy and be truly involved in the activities that I choose to take part of. I want to enjoy 100% of every single day.

I also have a few projects I want to work on this year.

1. Organize and publish a cookbook with my grandmother’s recipes in it
2. Find proper storage for my CD’s and catalog my collection
3. Put together that “Things that I love” poster/frame

Special thanks to Michelle, Kristyk, Siobhan, Jenniy, and Lori for being strong woman who have said the right things at imperative moments throughout 2007. You have made me a better me.