shishnit.org

My girlfriend Rosetta has a pretty amazing husband.  He was featured in the newspaper today. His full time job is as a musician and she’s a stay at home mom who picks up part time work to get out of the house occasionally.  They are the wonderful parents of my youngest wedding guest, Evan.  Evan is one blessed kid to have both his parents raising him on a daily basis nearly fulltime.  Most of his Daddy’s gigs happen after he’s safety tucked into bed.  But Evan is a budding guitar player himself…look out Dad, he might take over.

The feature story is here

2007 is basically over. While reviewing this year in my mind the only things that come to mind are the highlights.

The house, Infertility, College, Work

The year started off with Math, the end of Math.

The end of one position at work and the movement into another and then midyear yet another…two bosses this year and more to come in the next. Expansion is like that.

The year my son turned 15.

This year marked not as much blog writing as I ventured away from the computer as much as possible. Work and school require being stuck to a computer. I wanted life to be stuck in the living.

This is the year that I had every single girly part tested and scanned and looked at. Every single one. $38,000 worth of medical bills. Thank goodness for Health Insurance.

This is the year I got angry with my husband for his problems, yet this is also the year I realized that I love him despite his problems.

This is the year I learned that talking about, writing about or even speaking out loud of infertility makes infertility much more difficult to cope with, yet I have no regrets.

This is the year of two offices.

The year of Clomid.

The year of new spaces, new houses and new fenced yards.

The year of marked up calendars and counting days and planning sex.

This was the year of “extract” medicine and social fires.

Another year of writing papers, reading coursework and getting more A’s.

This year marked our second year of wedded togetherness

This year I didn’t blog as much. Nor did I feel obligated as much. Obligated to do anything simply out of obligation. I find that obligations lead to ill feelings.

This year I read a lot of Buddhism books. I also read a lot of self help books. I read and read and mostly read nonfiction and religion and psychology books. I entered the joyful electives in college and earned straight A’s in my core courses. I also gained a library and more space. I also gained a better outlook on life. I also started to have more faith in myself.

In 2008 I want to write more for fun. I want to write more from the gut about everything. I want to fear less what others might say to me about what I write and what I truly feel. I want to go back to not censoring myself because it’s healthier. I want simple things.]

My ABC’s of 2008

Authenticity – I want to be true to myself.

Artistic outlet – I want to write by hand, write poetry, type up my book to date

Books and Blogs – I want to continue to find time to “read”. Simply “read”. I want to continue to cut back on the blogs I read, reading only those that enrich me, empower me and make me learn something more.

Chloe – I want to hug her, kiss her, love her, keep her…forever.

Dawns, I want to watch the sun come up more often. Perhaps a few beach hours early in the morning.

Early morning breakfasts before work. I want to eat better.

Food, that is healthy.

Growth, I want to grow as a person and never forget how joyous learning is.

History, I want to let go of more emotional baggage this year.

Icing. I want to always remember to ice every cake, the best of anything without the icing is not the best that it can be.

Joking around. I love a good joke and want to find more of them this year.

Keith. I want to be closer to him this year. Teenage years suck!

Love. I want to give more away than I can possible gain for myself. I want to love without abandon.

Money. I want to save more, earn more, give more, and worry less.

Neverland. I want to remember my little girl side. I want to read more children’s books I loved as a child. I want to play more, dream more, make shapes out of clouds and let go of adult worries more often.

Open. I want to be open to new experiences, better relationships, deeper friendships.

PCOS. I want to conquer it. I want to rule it. I want to beat it.

Queen. I want to be the queen of my world every day. Imagining I have a crown and I can rule only my world.

Rick. I want to be closer, hug more, enjoy more, spend more time and do more without a heavy heart or fear or resentments.

Sex. More more more please. Happy joyful loving…

Time. I want more time to enjoy, more time to relax. More time to simply be.

Understanding. I want to find peace with my religious and spiritual path. I want to finally say “ah ha” and be one with it all.

Variety. I want to build new traditions and find a variety of ways to have fun. Fun, more fun please. Bubble baths and movie nights and more things together.

Without worrying. I want to explore without fear, do without worry and breath deeply instead of clenching my teeth with worry. Worry never mends a bridge, nor does it stop a flood. I want to build boats with my hope and paddle with my grief and make good use of the bad turning it into only good.

X. I want to truly 100% forgive my ex-husband. I say I have, I try to. I still get angry at him, against him, etc. I want to be able to tell him I’ve forgiven him once and for all.

Yoyo. I want to stop the yo yo dieting the yo yo changing. I want to accept that I will have to do certain things to have certain outcomes. I want to make small changes that equal bigger changes. I want to find peace in who I am while still being strong enough to change into something better. I want to stop going up and down in determining what it is that I truly want to be and just let it be. I just want to “be”.

Zealous. I want to be intense, passionate and enthusiastic about all the things I love to do in life. I want to adore, enjoy and be truly involved in the activities that I choose to take part of. I want to enjoy 100% of every single day.

I also have a few projects I want to work on this year.

1. Organize and publish a cookbook with my grandmother’s recipes in it
2. Find proper storage for my CD’s and catalog my collection
3. Put together that “Things that I love” poster/frame

Special thanks to Michelle, Kristyk, Siobhan, Jenniy, and Lori for being strong woman who have said the right things at imperative moments throughout 2007. You have made me a better me.

I have had three very long term friendships with boys for whom I’ve never met.  And yet, they are really three of my best friends.  They have heard a little about each other but they each have never met the others.  I have very good relationships with all three.

Brandon is the person I refer to as BraN.  BraN lives in London, England.  We met on Freetel over 8 years ago.  I believe it was in 1999.  He played techno music for me while we simultaneously chatted to each other on black screens with green text.  I have always loved his South African/English accent and he’s always ranked as the absolute nicest person I have ever met to date online.  I once wrote a poem about him that included the line “you are like a giant smile” because he is.  He’s the personification of all things good.  He’s always happy and cheerful and optimistic and those are three things I have always wanted to bottle up and take as a pill for myself since those are the three things I struggle the most to be.   BraN and I speak every few months via email and it’s always a pleasure to hear from him.  One time I lamented the notion of trying to be friends with someone so far away.  He responded, “You never know when you’ll be in London and you’ll be glad you have someone to call.”  This attitude about friendship has taught me so very much over the years.  BraN recently got married to his long time girlfriend Michele. I’m very happy for him and I think they make a great match from all that I’ve been told about her.  The thing I often love about BraN is that somehow he comes around just when I need a happy smiling face to make me in turn smile.  He’s a person that I can go months upon months not speaking to and then go on to have the years best conversation with, just when I need that the most. 

Bryan and I speak on a weekly basis.  Mostly I call him Bry or Bwyan.  And usually that’s in a long naggy kind of way “Buttt Bwwwyan…” when arguing my points.  We mostly talk about current events, (hey did you hear about the astronaut who wore diapers while trying to go off her man’s other woman?” “yes, but did you hear about the girl that bit off her boyfriends lip while kissing him?”)  Our friendship is based upon debate.  We debate everything. We debate politics, movies, books, current events (that’s a big one..yup) and we discuss our current situations and our goals and all those things.  We have never been romantically involved.  (At all!)  Bryan is over ten years older than me and he’s divorced, has been for a long time.  He truly helped me a lot when I was going through the bad former marriage and the subsequent divorce.  He gave me advice, some of which I took, some of which I didn’t.  For years he lived in a motel room and I spent years trying to get him to move out, move on and let go.  He was angry for a long time over his divorce.  He, like me, is much better now.  He now tells me about his girlfriends.  The last one talked like the person in the “Rrrrufffles have Rrrridddgges” commercials and he would call me up to tell me the funny stuff that she said.  He would ask her what she was doing and she would say, “I’m buzzzzzzyyy worrrrrrking.”  I never fail to laugh when I speak to Bryan because he’s far more conservative and religious minded than I’ll ever be but he’s silly personified.  He finds humor in everything.  I sent him a text message the last time I was in the doctors office asking him to entertain me as I was bored waiting.  He sent me back a text message that said, “poof you are entertained”.  I could just picture him with a magic wand turning me into “entertained”.  It made me laugh.  Perhaps laughter is the foundation of any friendship?  I’m not sure.  Bryan and I have had many huge arguments and slamming off of cell phones ensued but we always manage to get over it and speak again.  I think we just respect each other and enjoy our whacky conversations.

Brad is the person I often refer to as “him”.  Brad and I speak more and more rarely than we used to.  Mostly I have reached a point with him where I realize that when I talk to him it’s going to be me sitting around listening to Brad talking about Brad.  He has been successful with his medical supply business and I’m happy for him, however I have grown farther apart from him.  I do include him in the three B Musketeers because I do call on him from time to time to discuss career decisions and the like.  For the most part I think he has changed and not all of those changes have been entirely for the better.  Some yes.  Some no.  Brad also has a girlfriend who can’t for the life of her figure out how to take care of herself and therefore she is his liability in most all ways.  She works for a daycare, that came after she dropped out of college without a degree.  This is all fine, however for years I listened to how quitters were bad and how I had to set goals and reach them and have a “no excuses” attitude.  He’s basically right but then he lives with someone who is the polar opposite of everything he preached to me about for years.  It has all taught me that no one is without fault and most often people say what they would or wouldn’t do in a situation and it’s all bunk because they’ve never been in that situation.  When they are, they never do what they tell you that you should do.  Brad’s a good guy and he’s got his head screwed on right except for when it comes to women, he picks the wrong ones all the time.  He will also probably never marry her and refers to everything “they” have as “his”.  I see now, years later, that while I clung to him for a long time so that I personally would not drown, he is certainly far from perfect.  I include him in my Trinity of B’s because he changed me. He encouraged me when everyone else was kicking me in the head and for that, I will not forget.  I am a different person, yet for him, like the proverbial parent, he only see’s the person he got to know, not the person I have grown into.  He stopped investing his efforts into me once I got it together because I stopped going to him for anything.

Brandon, Bryan and Brad oh my!

It recently occurred to me that the three B disciples came into my life at a crucial time.  They were unexpected, unasked for, and certainly at times under or completely unappreciated.  Of the three, I speak to Bryan the most often.  Mostly because Bryan is single and can take my calls without pissing off someone he wants to disrobe later that same day. 

I could talk for hours about the B trinity…but I just wanted to document that I’m fully aware of how much they changed me, helped me, supported me and mentored me…each equally but differently.  Friendship is good.

I love when people recommend books. I like them to know I actually listen and appreciate their input. So much so that I actually buy and “read” the books. I’ll be reading this one next.

Me: What did they name the baby?Him: What baby?

Me: Just tell meHim: Matthew I guess…
Let’s go from insensitive to pretending the issue doesn’t exist? 

Let’s go from insensitive to pretending the issue doesn’t exist?  I can’t pretend.  That’s my entire problem.  I want to pretend to be happy.I can’t.I can’t.I want to pretend that it’s fair that a so called God blesses people who aren’t married with a child.It doesn’t feel fair.

It doesn’t feel fair.I’m told it’s not my place to decide what is fair or not fair.Is it my place to feel the way I feel?Is it my place to feel the way I feel?Can I just deal the best way I can?Let’s pretend…like my parents did.  That everything was ok…when it wasn’t.

Let’s pretend…like my parents did.  That everything was ok…when it wasn’t.Pretending doesn’t resolve anything.Me: Can you just give me something until I can get an appointment?

The Nurse: No because you filled out this paper that says you’re taking Megace.  That’s a powerful drug.  Something else might not be called for with your uterine issue’s.Me: Great…then.  Can you just shoot me?

The Nurse:  Are you suicidal?Me:  If I was, I wouldn’t ask you to shoot me…I’d be brave and do it myself.
 

Co-worker: Hope is that thing you can’t let go of. Me: No, hope is that thing that keeps bringing me deliveries of disappointment.  If I never hoped again, I would have never felt cheated again. 

Co-worker: You still don’t know how your next doctor’s appointment will turn out.Me: Yes I do.  I will be sent somewhere for a test.  Then I will be sent home.  Then a few weeks later I will be told something.  Then a few weeks after I recover from that news, I’ll be sent somewhere else.  I want to be done hoping, dreaming, wishing.  Done.Me: Yes I do.  I will be sent somewhere for a test.  Then I will be sent home.  Then a few weeks later I will be told something.  Then a few weeks after I recover from that news, I’ll be sent somewhere else.  I want to be done hoping, dreaming, wishing.  Done.Co-worker: So stop.Me: breathing?

Me: breathing?Co-worker: That’s not funnyMe: nope

Co-worker: You already have a child.

Me: You’ve already lived 33 years.  Do you still want to live another 33 or were those 33 enough?

“Him” - You’re not just allowed to be ugly like that.

Me: Why not…the situation is ugly.