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Because of Dooce’s cancellation of her trip to Florida….I want you to know I live in St Petersburg, FL and the beaches all along my coast are clean and clear and lovely. IE: If you simply move your trip a bit south…you’re good to go.  Do some research people.  It’s not like Florida is entirely affected.  Clearwater Beach is quite lovely….so is St Pete Beach….on and there’s Indian Rocks Beach..there’s Bellair Beach….ohhhh the beaches are endless.  Destin is not the end all be all.

Come visit me…I’ll show you some beautiful beaches. I promise.

I haven’t been an honest open blogger like I was in the past.  With everything that’s been going on with my relationships with everyone in my life right now,  I just haven’t had the heart to jump back on the crazy train that my life seems to have turned into over the last few months.  I’ve been spending a lot of time just staring off into space, swimming in the river denial and wondering how things have gotten to this place.

Rick and I are falling apart, have fallen apart…might fall apart…are experiencing major trauma…are a mess….are apart…?  I don’t even know. I can’t even pinpoint where things took a big left turn. I only know that I’m not the one that grabbed that stearing wheel and headed off in the direction of the cliff side.  I know he did.  I just don’t know why or what happened.

I have cried, been in shock…fought for my own sanity and just sat bawling and praying to some entity that has no name but that of “hope” for quite a few weeks now. I’ve felt like his mother, his confidant, sometimes his partner in crime…a crime I never wanted to comit.  Its so raw right now, I can’t put it into words.  I have cheered other’s on as they rejoice for their new spring day…their rebirth and I am standing in a room full of shards of glass and it vaguely reminds me of some other chapter of my life…only worse because this time it matters on such a different level.

Maybe someday I’ll talk about it, blog about it.  Maybe not.  Hopefully I won’t have to.  I don’t want to.  Right now I somehow had to because it all just hurts and hurts and when I think I can be hurt no more, I am hurt tenfold again.

Do you think Thelma and Louise somehow landed on a safety net after their car went over?
 

A few weeks ago I read a blog entry on I believe kristyk.org about the dentist. It may have been MONTHS….probably was.  It may have been soemone else’s blog..might have been.  Either way, iIt made me cringe because I have had so so many dental nightmares during my childhood.  My mother used to berrate me for each and any dental issue that was descovered at the dentist.  Going became punishment no matter what.  Even if I had no cavaties, I was admonished for the cost of being seen.  It was as if my mother was always inconvenienced by my mere existance and reliance upon her for anything monetary or emotional.  Why’d she ever have me? 

So back to my original thought, upon reading that blog entry I realized I haven’t gone..in so long that I could not recall when I went last.  And for the past 5 years I have been paying for dental coverage at my job. The last time I went they yanked a tooth because ex-husband had no dental coverage because…well I can’t recall but it was probably because he had no job or had a crap one or lost one or got fired or …yah….that old life stuff…*sigh*  It was pre-meeting Rick for sure.  And Rick and I have been together since Jan of ’03.  It’s now October of ’09. 

BLANK STARE INSERTED HERE 

I finally went.   Yesterday.  $66 later I have clean teeth and the realization that I’ll probably end up spending a ton of money on dental bills for the next few months and then again in about 5 to 7 years when I have to crown up every tooth I have. 

Why?  Because I have tons of old school metal fillings and they cause teeth to “buckle” or rather “BREAK” due to heat/cold differences in the mouth, etc. 

I was momentarily alarmed as I watched each and every one of my own teeth be paraded across a tv monitor located above my head.  I reminded myself that I’m no longer a child and there’s no longer a big fat meanie bitch in the room who will berate me on the drive home.  I berated myself momentarily for not going 5 years ago. Let me reitterate I gave up $1500 worth of dental procedures for each year I’ve worked at my job.  Can you say $6k worth of work…..pissed away due to childhood trama? 

Crazy eh? 

So..now my teeth are clean..they’ve been scraped on two quadrants and the other two are scheduled for next Friday.  Yes this is how I spend my day’s off now…sitting in a dental chair watching tooth parades and country music while some lady trys not to frown whilst looking into the cavern that is my mouth. 

After leaving the dentists office with some pretty damn expensive flouride rinse and two appointment cards for dates in October….my teeth feel raw and my gums are mortified that I had the nerve to allow someone to scrape them.  But…I conquered yet another long held fear and for that…I treated myself to coffee and a new book.  (not that I ever need an excuse!)  Today I got a TEXT MESSAGE from the dentist asking me if I’d like a text msg appointment reminder.  That dentists office is fantastic!  They have the latest technologies and everything in there is high tech.  And then when I leave…I get a text msg from my dentist.  (who was a girl by the way!)  If you reside in St Pete and need a good dentist…drop me an email at poeticalgirlAThotmail.com and I’ll tell you where to go to get a queen’s treatment. 

I’m proud of myself for finally facing it and going there and sitting through it and …and well all of it.  This month I might be blogging dentistry a lot due the costs I will incur….so if you haven’t gone to the dentist in forever….I might guilt you into it, encourage you into it or just make you sit with a BLANK STARE yourself.  I’m sharing because while it’s daunting what I’ve not done to assist my dental health…it feels good to be DOING SOMETHING now.  However, I may have to obtain a part time job if I want to really smile about all of this properly. 

Lately I have been emotionally all over the road.  I have been slugging my way through a new book.  It’s not a fun book to read and it’s made me cry on 3 separate occasions now.  However, it’s also made me come to terms with some things.  Oh, this is going to be an ongoing project, the project of ME.  This project of “Assertiveness” and healing.  I can feel it already.

Last week in the throes of self misery and newfound realizations I called Rick and I cried to him.  I mashed my teeth over all the things that were bothering me, the work incident (the one I won’t blog about in detail) along with a few other things.  I ended up apologizing to him for dumping it all on him.  He corrected me and said, “There you go doing it again, apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong.  You’re supposed to come to me, I am your husband.”

And low and behold some new realizations sunk in.  After combined marital experiences of 16 years of marriage…it is only now that I truly feel I have a husband.  I truly comprehend that I can go to him.  That he will be there always.  That he is not my ex, nothing like my ex and won’t ever intentionally and with malice hurt me.

Wow.

Also during all of this I have discussed my breakthroughs and my struggles with my friend Theresa.  She’s been wonderful to me all this time.  Today in an email she wrote this:

We all have scars from the wounds that life has given us.  Our wounds heal but the scars remain and they can often split back open, at the slightest tension and start bleeding again as if it was the same day that the wound was created.  We try so hard to avoid these triggers by avoiding our exes and recoiling in horror the second our current spouses show any sign of untrustworthiness or a possibility of becoming unreliable.  It is not our husbands fault; it is just our knee jerk reaction to the situations.  When something feels familiar we become tense.  We also tend to think that we are worth less than we are or that we are somehow less worthy of happiness.  So, when things are going well, we fear that trouble is just around the corner because “we are not allowed to be this happy.”  Our own insecurities and sensitivities have us on constant high alert.  I am not saying that we didn’t have a right to have these feelings; just that it is harder to overcome these feelings because of our past. 

Her words say things far better than I could and I’m grateful for her friendship right now…as I always have been.  Her and I…we have pasts that parallel each other’s and I’m sad for her because I understand what she battles, but I’m so grateful that our paths crossed several years ago and that we have each other as we both work through so many things collectively and separately.  She is my only friend who is remarried after an abusive first marriage.  She is the only person who just innately gets it. 

It may sound crazy but while I have a wealth of happiness in my 2^nd marriage, it is somehow always a struggle to overcome the past. IT’s like a type of quicksand that can easily suck me under; unable to breathe and live in the NOW, the NOW where I am immensely happy.  Once so many people have abused you, you must learn to stand up for  yourself and set boundaries, and logically it all makes sense but the damage that has occurred doesn’t just disappear…you have to work on it.

The book I am working my way through is “The Emotionally Abused Woman – Overcoming destructive patterns and reclaiming yourself by Beverly Engel”.  I highly recommend it.

I would also like to thank my amazing husband because he teaches me every single day that life can be happy, better, so much more.  He never does anything to me; it is that I fear losing him. I fear losing all of my happiness.  I have many fears because of my past.  Rick has done nothing wrong; my scars are there and sometimes my past fears make me feel threatened for no real good reason.  It’s completely not his fault.  He’s an amazing man to love me…always just as I am…no matter how I may struggle because of my past.  He’s truly the best.

My NOW is amazing.  Without it I would have no reason to want to be a better and healthier person today.  My husband is not perfect, but he’s perfect for me and he’s patient with me and he’s always there for me and he loves me.  And I know that I am a lucky girl…to be in a place to work through these things…a safe place.  A place of love.

I’m the worlds worst blogger really.  Lately I haven’t felt enthused about it.  However, I am sick.  I’m sick like I haven’t been sick in a long time.  I have a sore throat and chills and the cough.  Oh the cough is coughing like it’s being paid overtime.  My throat is cloaked in a sweater I swear.  Yes, it feels like a sweater material is what my throat is made of.  And really I need the sweater on my constantly cold toes.  Florida has been cold and bitter the last month or so.  And then we get this one shining Indian summer appearing day here and there and then on those days I’m out running about like a little kid and alas I think that one day when I was smiling big was the day I got this ick.  This ick that is making me sick.

And I have confessions to make.  Being sick I can’t concentrate on anything.  Thankfully I’m in my last class and senioritis is allowable.  I have a great team of peeps in this last class and that is making it bearable and actually enjoyable.  I’m sick of talking about dying off breeds of animals and the environment because it seems too little care about too much to tackle.  (forgive me world, I’m ick..sick ick)

I downloaded that CD by Robert Plant and Allison Krauss and it’s amazing.  It’s making my soul sing even though my throat can’t croak out more than “I’m not coming in today, I’m out sick”.  They seem the weirdest combination and something about that reminds me of Rick and I.  We have nothing in common and we share no common interests, hobbies, etc.  We don’t even like the same movies and yet…somehow we are harmonious. Ok so we’re really not harmonious because we have a penchant for the consistent bickering. We’re like two moths fighting for the light and somehow when you watch them they appear to be dancing.  Yes, that’s Rick and I.  He’s not sick…like I, so we fortunately don’t have that in common right now.

Oh back to my confession..see how I can’t concentrate on shiz?  

I have been reading the shopaholic books as if they are candy and I am some dirty hungry vagrant rat in the city.  Yes the shopaholic books about that stupid twit Rebecca who buys too much, pays for too little and somehow lands a hot successful man.  Who writes this garbage and more importantly is every girl out there that’s reading it…are they all sick and unable to concentrate on shiz like myself?  I mean seriously this character is the worst.  I think I’m enjoying reading these books because I don’t have to think and I can’t think right now…I’m ickly sickly.  Seek..so seek am I. 

Chloe just noticed that our new neighbors have a big ass dog and she now wants to kill him.  Ha…she kills me…even when I’m sick.

I wonder if there’s a cold medicine that actually works.  If not, there’s a huge portion of drugstore business that is a joke.

Oh one last thing….there’s a Kindle 2 out now. Oh wait…that sucker is not available for shipment either.  Hate amazon…iz they sick?