shishnit.org

Do you have health insurance?  Can you afford health insurance?  Do you not have health insurance because your job doesn’t offer it and you can’t afford it on your own?  Do you work fulltime but do not have benefits?

I’m currently in a political course and there’s an ass clown in my class with me who believes that if you can’t afford health insurance you should just eat right and stay healthy.  He also doesn’t believe in social government programs.  He also believes that homeless people should just fix their problems themselves.

He’s pissing me off.

The class is strictly speaking about the current and upcoming election happenings and this guy is a jerk.

This is why I never talk about religion or politics with the average person.

I believe that everyone that is able should get a job and work and make a living and pay taxes and that as a society we should care about those that are less fortunate due to whatever issues.  Sure there are users of the system, those that suck it dry and I believe in mandates and laws to try to prevent that as much as possible.  However, I am compassionate and care about the woes of our society too.

Rick does not have health insurance.  His job does not provide it.  If something happens to him he has to pay cash to resolve it.  This is not as easy as it sounds.  Many places will not even see him.  He works harder than most people I know and yet he doesn’t have health insurance.  I could add him to my policy at work; however I cannot afford the monthly premium to do this.  Perhaps after I gain my degree in another year and gain more income, but not now.  My out of pocket expenses for my own health coverage last year ended up being around $3,500.  Not so bad, but also not so good.

And now this wouldn’t be a good time to tell anyone I just bought a new Ipod and a new digital camera.  However, I did.  And Rick’s health insurance issue keeps waging on.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I can’t sustain the monthly fee for him to be added on my policy.  Mostly I just hate his boss for not providing adequate benefits to his few but dedicated employees.  

Do you know there are laws that provide health care for illegal aliens in our country but if you happen to be a taxpayer, the government says a big resounding “fuck you” to you.  Do you know that my best friend in Canada pays nothing for health coverage or care? Nothing. The government pays for everything and mandates the amount of money doctor’s can make, and trust that none of them are starving and none of them are tempted by greed.

I believe we’re all responsible for ourselves.  I don’t want a hand out.  I want an answer for those that are not afforded benefits at their jobs.  There are far more in Rick’s situation than I can begin to count.  When something happens to him he has to find someone willing to take cash, and someone that he can afford.  It’s not easy.

This assclown in class doesn’t believe that the government should help anyone.  That we should help ourselves.  I asked him if he gets Financial Aid.  He won’t answer me.  Ass clown!  Why is the government “helping” you get an education?

I went to the doctor on the 20th of December.  I got my period on my own on the 21^st.  I wasted $10 on the co-pay for a pregnancy test.  I paid $25 for Yasmin.  I took Yasmin for 9 days and quit.  I am still bleeding.  I have been sick.  Yesterday I spent the day throwing up.  I feel anemic.  Today I feel better.  I still feel anemic.  Weak.  I’ve been craving red meat.  I hate meat.  I have used 3 boxes of regular tampons and an entire bag of pads. (overnight)  This is all too much information but perhaps just enough to say this is why I haven’t been blogging.

I have an appointment at “NEW fancy endocrinologist who is also a reproductive endocrinologist”. Because he is both my insurance will pay for him. I quit the Yasmin because I felt like it was making me hemorrhage.  I was also told other directions.  I was told to take Provera for ten days to get a period and then start the Yasmin on the following Sunday after getting one.  But I got one myself the next day and took Yasmin the following Sunday.  I didn’t listen.  Who knows what the real issue is.  I want a doctor to “treat” the PCOS not just try to placate me.

I really feel like I need to go to an endocrinologist so I am.  People pay thousands to see this doctor because they fly in from all over the country.  People fly into my town to see him.  (They have the airline rates and hotel rates listed on their website).  It is an infertility clinic and the doctor lists PCOS as a specialty.  I am hopeful.  At least I won’t be sitting in a waiting room with pregnant teenagers anymore.  I haven’t quite decided if I am forgoing my OB/GYN doctor but I’m leaning towards it if I get treated well on Friday morning.  Yes, Friday Jan. 11^th at 8:30 a.m.  And…five minutes from my front door.  I have a well known awesome Endo five minutes from my door.

Outside of this, there’s not been much to tell.  I had a two week break from school. I am now in two classes.  A business writing class I am finishing up and a Government class I will probably hate that is taught by a House Representative for Missouri.  Interesting I suppose.

Work is good.  In fact work is pretty great lately.  I love my boss; she makes all the difference in the world.  She better not go anywhere. 

The weather was also super cold for Florida. We had two nights of freezing weather.  It’s warmer now.  Whew.  That was miserable.  And it came right when I wasn’t feeling so great. 

It appears that now Rick won’t be traveling for work.  But he’s also looking at other options etc.  

So far 2008 has been overall worrisome.

2007 is basically over. While reviewing this year in my mind the only things that come to mind are the highlights.

The house, Infertility, College, Work

The year started off with Math, the end of Math.

The end of one position at work and the movement into another and then midyear yet another…two bosses this year and more to come in the next. Expansion is like that.

The year my son turned 15.

This year marked not as much blog writing as I ventured away from the computer as much as possible. Work and school require being stuck to a computer. I wanted life to be stuck in the living.

This is the year that I had every single girly part tested and scanned and looked at. Every single one. $38,000 worth of medical bills. Thank goodness for Health Insurance.

This is the year I got angry with my husband for his problems, yet this is also the year I realized that I love him despite his problems.

This is the year I learned that talking about, writing about or even speaking out loud of infertility makes infertility much more difficult to cope with, yet I have no regrets.

This is the year of two offices.

The year of Clomid.

The year of new spaces, new houses and new fenced yards.

The year of marked up calendars and counting days and planning sex.

This was the year of “extract” medicine and social fires.

Another year of writing papers, reading coursework and getting more A’s.

This year marked our second year of wedded togetherness

This year I didn’t blog as much. Nor did I feel obligated as much. Obligated to do anything simply out of obligation. I find that obligations lead to ill feelings.

This year I read a lot of Buddhism books. I also read a lot of self help books. I read and read and mostly read nonfiction and religion and psychology books. I entered the joyful electives in college and earned straight A’s in my core courses. I also gained a library and more space. I also gained a better outlook on life. I also started to have more faith in myself.

In 2008 I want to write more for fun. I want to write more from the gut about everything. I want to fear less what others might say to me about what I write and what I truly feel. I want to go back to not censoring myself because it’s healthier. I want simple things.]

My ABC’s of 2008

Authenticity – I want to be true to myself.

Artistic outlet – I want to write by hand, write poetry, type up my book to date

Books and Blogs – I want to continue to find time to “read”. Simply “read”. I want to continue to cut back on the blogs I read, reading only those that enrich me, empower me and make me learn something more.

Chloe – I want to hug her, kiss her, love her, keep her…forever.

Dawns, I want to watch the sun come up more often. Perhaps a few beach hours early in the morning.

Early morning breakfasts before work. I want to eat better.

Food, that is healthy.

Growth, I want to grow as a person and never forget how joyous learning is.

History, I want to let go of more emotional baggage this year.

Icing. I want to always remember to ice every cake, the best of anything without the icing is not the best that it can be.

Joking around. I love a good joke and want to find more of them this year.

Keith. I want to be closer to him this year. Teenage years suck!

Love. I want to give more away than I can possible gain for myself. I want to love without abandon.

Money. I want to save more, earn more, give more, and worry less.

Neverland. I want to remember my little girl side. I want to read more children’s books I loved as a child. I want to play more, dream more, make shapes out of clouds and let go of adult worries more often.

Open. I want to be open to new experiences, better relationships, deeper friendships.

PCOS. I want to conquer it. I want to rule it. I want to beat it.

Queen. I want to be the queen of my world every day. Imagining I have a crown and I can rule only my world.

Rick. I want to be closer, hug more, enjoy more, spend more time and do more without a heavy heart or fear or resentments.

Sex. More more more please. Happy joyful loving…

Time. I want more time to enjoy, more time to relax. More time to simply be.

Understanding. I want to find peace with my religious and spiritual path. I want to finally say “ah ha” and be one with it all.

Variety. I want to build new traditions and find a variety of ways to have fun. Fun, more fun please. Bubble baths and movie nights and more things together.

Without worrying. I want to explore without fear, do without worry and breath deeply instead of clenching my teeth with worry. Worry never mends a bridge, nor does it stop a flood. I want to build boats with my hope and paddle with my grief and make good use of the bad turning it into only good.

X. I want to truly 100% forgive my ex-husband. I say I have, I try to. I still get angry at him, against him, etc. I want to be able to tell him I’ve forgiven him once and for all.

Yoyo. I want to stop the yo yo dieting the yo yo changing. I want to accept that I will have to do certain things to have certain outcomes. I want to make small changes that equal bigger changes. I want to find peace in who I am while still being strong enough to change into something better. I want to stop going up and down in determining what it is that I truly want to be and just let it be. I just want to “be”.

Zealous. I want to be intense, passionate and enthusiastic about all the things I love to do in life. I want to adore, enjoy and be truly involved in the activities that I choose to take part of. I want to enjoy 100% of every single day.

I also have a few projects I want to work on this year.

1. Organize and publish a cookbook with my grandmother’s recipes in it
2. Find proper storage for my CD’s and catalog my collection
3. Put together that “Things that I love” poster/frame

Special thanks to Michelle, Kristyk, Siobhan, Jenniy, and Lori for being strong woman who have said the right things at imperative moments throughout 2007. You have made me a better me.

So sometime in the last cycle of fertility drugs (after all drugs were already ingested) we decided in sheer frustration and stress to just quit. We were both emotionally drained; our marriage was suffering under the weight of the stress and sex schedules. It was more trying than I could even manage to write about. At that time to even write about it was to admit that it was defeating me and beating my mind and soul and heart into a bloody pulp.

The drugs make you crazy, you want to kill yourself just to get away from yourself and then you combine that with the normal irrational infertility thoughts. I mean to this day, I read about Britney Spears sister getting knocked up and Hanna Montana chick being with child and I want to rip apart a big big book and trample it’s pages until all the bloody words are scattered across the floor. I cannot even think of a way to acknowledge the sheer anger that an infertile woman is capable of feeling when someone else is pregnant. To this day I cannot watch “A Baby Story” and I avoid any magazine that has a baby on the cover. The only child that’s even managed to capture me, is Matthew. I have sometimes rubbed his little baby head and said a million silent prayers without even admitting it to myself.

After that last cycle I avoided the doctor with the plague. I knew that it was wrong to do and unhealthy to do but I was fed up, and sick of Dr. Can’t Get Me Pregnant. I had also had a few incidents whereby his office screwed things up, sending me for procedures without having a negative pregnancy test on file for clearance for the test, setting appointments and then when I would walk into his office, asking ME why I was there or worse yet telling me that test results from 23 days ago weren’t in the office. I was doctor’s office drained.

However, I finally set an appointment two days ago with the intent to go and get on the pill and remain physically healthy. The prospects for a baby well buried along with my former dreams for an expanded family. In the midst of all of this there have been issues with my son, things that have kept me awake at night with worry for him. Those two combinations, the letting go of what might have been and trying to deal with what is present and needs immediate attention as a mother, well they combined to make me absolutely loony when it came to baby talk or the like.

Some “very” well meaning person in my Internet friends list contacted me once saying something along the lines of “I know you said you were done, but being done doesn’t happen that suddenly or quickly, let me know if you need to talk” Now those words are not verbatim because at the time I was struck by just how truthful her acknowledgement was. I said, “hey I turned left” but my heart didn’t entirely follow.

You decide in life to just turn left and try to be happy about your choice to turn left and yet you still turn your head slightly to the right from time to time as if to just feel the pain of it might make it possible again. I have a hard time putting it all into words, truly I do. Wanting and envisioning and not knowing why you can’t when other’s simply can….

Today’s doctor appointment was a “consult” only. So just like the first time I entered the Dr’s office, I sat across from him in a chair and discussed our decision to stop trying. His response, “Yes, perhaps taking a break is in order, if we get your cycle regulated on birth control drugs, your body is more likely to respond to fertility drugs later. Lets do this but discuss your decision 3 months from now when we do a full physical and pap test again. I started to utter, “No you don’t get it…we’re done…we don’t want a baby.” But there’s that seed of hope somewhere deep within the soil of my being that saw light…saw light to breathe and heal and perhaps…hope later..maybe later we can try again. His words uttered through my hollow heart ping ponging against the empty room called “what if” that I built around my heart to protect it from truly feeling the vast disappointment.

And then he asked, “After the last round, when did you bleed?” I was astonished and said, “But I have PCOS and I don’t get periods, remember doc?” To which he said, “everyone bleeds after Clomid, even when it doesn’t work….unless…. ok I want my nurses to do a pregnancy test today…call tomorrow to get the results prior to taking the Provera to start on birth control.

And then I sat fighting back the tears of confusion…while the nurse jabbed my arm repeatedly looking for a vein. I wanted to say, “it’s ok that your jabbing me…physical pain is easier than the hollow wanting.” I said nothing. I left his office with scripts for Provera and birth control talking myself down from hoping. I drove across the street to get munchies for a Christmas party taking place at work today.

I went into Publix and within minutes some lady runs down the isle and says “ma’am…you drive that red SUV?” I said, “yes” She said, “I think you forgot to put it into park..it rolled straight across the lot and stopped at the cart collector thing!” I went out and looked and indeed my car was wedged diagonally against the cart collector that was thankfully empty. No one got hit by my car and I had no damage.

My mind…was …is…elsewhere. The sweetest thing is…at this moment…I ache for Rick….. I’ve called him a few times but he probably doesn’t have his phone with him, he’s working.

I feel horrible this afternoon. I feel feverish and cold and yet I also just plain feel like crap. I woke up tired and was fine most of the morning but then around 4 p.m. I started to just feel horrible. I just want to get up and go home but I’m sticking it out…who know’s what will happen in the future and I hate to waste my sick time.

I keep telling myself this is not all that we are right now and yet it feels like that’s all I think about. The “trying” part of popping pills and staring at calendars waiting out days. Perhaps I am stress sick this afternoon. Either way I feel like I could throw up…or something. I have a gross taste in my mouth and my head hurts….and I’m hot and feverish. I hope I’m not simply getting a cold right now….that would probably not help things much.

Ok enough….perhaps this is just PMS? I wouldn’t know…I’ve never had PMS with so much lack of menses.

I just want some hot tea, my bed, a quilt…Chloe curled up next to me and Rick to hold me…