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So sometime in the last cycle of fertility drugs (after all drugs were already ingested) we decided in sheer frustration and stress to just quit. We were both emotionally drained; our marriage was suffering under the weight of the stress and sex schedules. It was more trying than I could even manage to write about. At that time to even write about it was to admit that it was defeating me and beating my mind and soul and heart into a bloody pulp.

The drugs make you crazy, you want to kill yourself just to get away from yourself and then you combine that with the normal irrational infertility thoughts. I mean to this day, I read about Britney Spears sister getting knocked up and Hanna Montana chick being with child and I want to rip apart a big big book and trample it’s pages until all the bloody words are scattered across the floor. I cannot even think of a way to acknowledge the sheer anger that an infertile woman is capable of feeling when someone else is pregnant. To this day I cannot watch “A Baby Story” and I avoid any magazine that has a baby on the cover. The only child that’s even managed to capture me, is Matthew. I have sometimes rubbed his little baby head and said a million silent prayers without even admitting it to myself.

After that last cycle I avoided the doctor with the plague. I knew that it was wrong to do and unhealthy to do but I was fed up, and sick of Dr. Can’t Get Me Pregnant. I had also had a few incidents whereby his office screwed things up, sending me for procedures without having a negative pregnancy test on file for clearance for the test, setting appointments and then when I would walk into his office, asking ME why I was there or worse yet telling me that test results from 23 days ago weren’t in the office. I was doctor’s office drained.

However, I finally set an appointment two days ago with the intent to go and get on the pill and remain physically healthy. The prospects for a baby well buried along with my former dreams for an expanded family. In the midst of all of this there have been issues with my son, things that have kept me awake at night with worry for him. Those two combinations, the letting go of what might have been and trying to deal with what is present and needs immediate attention as a mother, well they combined to make me absolutely loony when it came to baby talk or the like.

Some “very” well meaning person in my Internet friends list contacted me once saying something along the lines of “I know you said you were done, but being done doesn’t happen that suddenly or quickly, let me know if you need to talk” Now those words are not verbatim because at the time I was struck by just how truthful her acknowledgement was. I said, “hey I turned left” but my heart didn’t entirely follow.

You decide in life to just turn left and try to be happy about your choice to turn left and yet you still turn your head slightly to the right from time to time as if to just feel the pain of it might make it possible again. I have a hard time putting it all into words, truly I do. Wanting and envisioning and not knowing why you can’t when other’s simply can….

Today’s doctor appointment was a “consult” only. So just like the first time I entered the Dr’s office, I sat across from him in a chair and discussed our decision to stop trying. His response, “Yes, perhaps taking a break is in order, if we get your cycle regulated on birth control drugs, your body is more likely to respond to fertility drugs later. Lets do this but discuss your decision 3 months from now when we do a full physical and pap test again. I started to utter, “No you don’t get it…we’re done…we don’t want a baby.” But there’s that seed of hope somewhere deep within the soil of my being that saw light…saw light to breathe and heal and perhaps…hope later..maybe later we can try again. His words uttered through my hollow heart ping ponging against the empty room called “what if” that I built around my heart to protect it from truly feeling the vast disappointment.

And then he asked, “After the last round, when did you bleed?” I was astonished and said, “But I have PCOS and I don’t get periods, remember doc?” To which he said, “everyone bleeds after Clomid, even when it doesn’t work….unless…. ok I want my nurses to do a pregnancy test today…call tomorrow to get the results prior to taking the Provera to start on birth control.

And then I sat fighting back the tears of confusion…while the nurse jabbed my arm repeatedly looking for a vein. I wanted to say, “it’s ok that your jabbing me…physical pain is easier than the hollow wanting.” I said nothing. I left his office with scripts for Provera and birth control talking myself down from hoping. I drove across the street to get munchies for a Christmas party taking place at work today.

I went into Publix and within minutes some lady runs down the isle and says “ma’am…you drive that red SUV?” I said, “yes” She said, “I think you forgot to put it into park..it rolled straight across the lot and stopped at the cart collector thing!” I went out and looked and indeed my car was wedged diagonally against the cart collector that was thankfully empty. No one got hit by my car and I had no damage.

My mind…was …is…elsewhere. The sweetest thing is…at this moment…I ache for Rick….. I’ve called him a few times but he probably doesn’t have his phone with him, he’s working.

I feel horrible this afternoon. I feel feverish and cold and yet I also just plain feel like crap. I woke up tired and was fine most of the morning but then around 4 p.m. I started to just feel horrible. I just want to get up and go home but I’m sticking it out…who know’s what will happen in the future and I hate to waste my sick time.

I keep telling myself this is not all that we are right now and yet it feels like that’s all I think about. The “trying” part of popping pills and staring at calendars waiting out days. Perhaps I am stress sick this afternoon. Either way I feel like I could throw up…or something. I have a gross taste in my mouth and my head hurts….and I’m hot and feverish. I hope I’m not simply getting a cold right now….that would probably not help things much.

Ok enough….perhaps this is just PMS? I wouldn’t know…I’ve never had PMS with so much lack of menses.

I just want some hot tea, my bed, a quilt…Chloe curled up next to me and Rick to hold me…

Rick went this morning for his test.  We will not have the results back (even though they are available) until July 10^th because my doctor is on vacation.  We will wait two weeks.  This is pretty typical in the medical community.  Hurry up and be tested and then slow down and wait to get results. 

I want to emphatically state that I love my husband and I did not marry anyone but a wonderful man.  Its crap that people have the nerve to talk shit about someone they don’t know.  And/or about things I do not fully disclose on my blog.  How can anyone truly know when I haven’t told you?

p.s.  I’m not telling my blog the results. ha!
 

What a blissful weekend we just had.  There were many moments when we complained of being bored and then went off to make wild passionate love.  What a solution to boredom. 

They were supposed to come paint our house this weekend.  It never happened so we saved $100 this month because of this.  Nice!

I drank lots of coffee, tea and read lots of 3 different books.  I watched Giada go to Greece and that’s going to be my new obsession.  Greece was lovely.

I am going to OB/GYN tomorrow morning at 10:30.  I’ll be curious to see what he says.  I’m wondering if he’ll help me with fertility drugs or try to send me off to an RE.  I’m not sure what I want because he’s the same guy who told me to go get a Hysterectomy a.s.a.p.  However, he DID send me to Dr. Oncologist and insisted I get a second opinion so he knew that issue was not his forte.  The appointment is at 10:30 a.m.  So we shall see.

Today Rick and I went to Baywalk today and saw Knocked up.  We both laughed a lot.  It’s a cute movie.  Probably more so if you are expecting your first child or just had it.  The day was really pretty.  I wonder if he knows how much I adore spending time with him.

Later this afternoon I went to the bookstore and had a smoothie.  I read about the Alli Diet.  I find it interesting however with PCOS fat intake is not the problem, carbohydrates are and the GI diet is best.  Not that that even works wonders.  But the Alli book had some interesting recipes for muffins etc in it that had flaxseed in them.  I’m constantly looking for ways to get flaxseed into my diet.  It’s not like you can eat it by the handfuls.  Gross.

It’s been a sweet weekend…..that’s coming to a quick end.

I have PCOS. I have had this I believe since my son was 4 months old. That would be 14 years give or take. However, when he was a toddler I went to doctors and complained about headaches, extreme weight gain (that occurred after his birth not prior to). I was told to diet and take the pill.

After having Norplant removed I went into a form of denial. I was disillusioned with doctors and simply trying to raise a child and keep the bills paid. I noticed things about my appearance and health but I was young and tried my best to remain in denial because my frustration with the medical community and gynecologists in general was so bad at that time.

I did go to doctors and complained about headaches, weight gain, lethargy, overall tiredness, etc. I didn’t go constantly though. When my son was five I went to a planned parenthood and told them I never got my periods and wanted to know why. They told me again to go on the pill and that would make the periods come back. No one ever wanted to tell me what was wrong or find out why. Here just take more drugs. I refused because of such a bad experience with Norplant.

I was also consistently told to lose weight by doctor’s. They were mostly men and would constantly tell me my weight would cause other health issues. I would explain things and they would tell me “exercise” and stop “eating” so much. They put me in a generalized category.. I tried diets, I tried lots of things but the weight didn’t budge. If I lost ten lbs I’d gain back fifteen. I got to a place where I was grateful if I just maintained and did not gain more. Trying to lose it seemed to make me just gain more. Maintaining seemed a better bet for a long time.

It was not until after or during my divorce, sometime during that period of regrowth and rebuilding that I decided that I needed to face my health issues. I knew I didn’t get normal periods. I knew this was not good. However, I honestly did not know just how bad it all was. I was still in some denial.

Then two years ago I went to the hospital to have my gall bladder removed. I was reprimanded to the hospital and during my stay I did not have access to my normal beauty treatments. A nurse came in to take my blood pressure, noticed the hair on my chin and said “do you know that you have PCOS?” I said, “What?” She said, “Has anyone ever told you that you have PCOS?” I said, “No what’s that?” She said, “investigate, ask your doctor.” I was in a lot of pain due to the current gall bladder situation but I remembered her words. Once I was home a few weeks I went online and started to google the hell out of PCOS. I also began to see the light. I knew what was wrong with me. I had most of the symptoms.

1. Oligomenorrhea, amenorrhea — irregular, few, or absent menstrual periods; cycles that do occur may be heavy (heavy bleeding is also an early warning sign of endometrial cancer, for which women with PCOS are at higher risk)

2. Infertility, generally resulting from chronic anovulation (lack of ovulation)

3. Elevated serum (blood) levels of androgens (male hormones), specifically testosterone, androstenedione, and dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS), causing hirsutism and occasionally masculinization (hirsutism=excessive hair on face, chest, stomach etc.

4. Central obesity — “apple-shaped” obesity centered around the lower half of the torso. Inability to lose weight.

5. Prolonged periods of PMS-like symptoms (bloating, mood swings, pelvic pain, backaches)

6. Dyspareunia Pain during sexual intercourse

7. Androgenic alopecia (male-pattern baldness)

8. Acne, oily skin, seborrhea

9. Acanthosis nigricans (dark patches of skin, tan to dark brown or black, a sign of insulin resistance, which is associated with PCOS)

10. Acrochordons (skin tags) — tiny flaps of skin

11. Sleep apnea

Thankfully I do not have the last six symptoms. But of the 11 common symptoms I do have 1,2,3,4,5,and 8. The most annoying ones are numbers 2, 4, 5, and 7. My current OB/GYN upon my first visit asked me if I had painful intercourse. To which I replied, “If I had that I would have insisted to the dozens of doctor’s that didn’t want to help me that I must be helped immediately!!!” He laughed.

But there is nothing funny about having PCOS. The symptoms are hard to diagnose, or at least they were 10 to 15 years ago when I complained to a variety of doctor’s about them. I complained about excessive chin hair. Who has a beard at the age of 25? PCOS sufferers that’s who.

A few months ago some of my co-workers went to the restroom on a normal daily visit and came back making fun of a woman who was in there with shaving cream and a razor shaving her entire face. They could not believe she was in there doing such a thing and “WHY would a woman do such a thing?” They mocked her. I sat in my cubicle and fought tears. I can’t say that that woman had PCOS but something tells me that she did.

I have tried every method known to mankind to remove facial hair and quite honestly short of expensive and ongoing treatments, facial hair is most easily removed with shaving cream and a razor. I carry tweezers and razors in my purse allll the time. Facial hair is gross and not a PCOS sufferer’s fault. However, discrimination due to a health issue is painful painful painful. And feeling like a man instead of a woman, there are no words to express how this can damage a person’s self image and esteem.

Acne, I am prone to it. I use Proactive and clean my face often. It has improved due to Proactive. I do not have to use Proactive every day but I do have to use it weekly to keep acne at bay. At times it has been extremely bad, but I have learned how to manage it better. Acne too sucks and people are discriminated for it constantly. I also recommend and use Cetaphil. Cetaphil has no scent, is affordable and does not dry out your skin in order to keep it clear.

Obesity. Oh I have it for sure. When I go to the doctor and see the number that constitutes my weight I could cry. I was a size 11 prior to my son’s birth. I was a size 24 when I was 24 years old. I remember that clearly. 24 at 24. And not because I ate ten pizza’s a day and wanted to gain 90 lbs. Currently I am not a size 24. I fight and fight to maintain a size 20. Size 20? And I think this is good? That’s the way PCOS will fuck with the way you see yourself. I lost 6 lbs in ten days and my oncologist thought perhaps I had excessive uterine bleeding because people taking Megace (which I am currently taking due to PCOS and lack of menses) always gain weight. What does that tell you about how diligent I am about how I currently eat? Crazy diligent. Yes, I have vices like most people but I don’t eat ten pizza’s a day. I barely eat pizza if truth be known. But there are those ass-fucked people out there that see a woman who is overweight and make jokes about how much she must eat and how fat her ass is but they don’t know that she does in fact have a medical condition that she’s suffering with. Little minded people are everywhere in this world. Obesity is the hardest symptom of PCOS to handle. It was much harder for me prior to understanding that I had PCOS and wasn’t just fat for some cruel joke or because I ate too much. Neither is true. I have PCOS and because of that I constantly fight and lose the battle with PCOS. I have recently considered surgery to resolve the weight issue. After all it’s clear that I’m not going to lose 100+ lbs on my own accord with PCOS.

Prolonged periods of PMS-like symptoms (bloating, mood swings, pelvic pain, backaches). Aren’t these symptoms suspiciously like many of the same ones listed under depression? Yah I think so too. When I complained about these things I was told to exercise more and eat better. Yah sure. This was not in my mind. I didn’t feel “good” because PCOS means you are constantly sick. Yes you can improve your outlook and exercise helps anyone with mood issues but try jumping around your living room when you feel unfeminine and frustrated and your back hurts. Yah…enough said.

For years I had PCOS. I believe I’ve had it since my son was 4 months old. I believe I attributed my symptoms to Norplant side affects because I had no problems until I got Norplant implanted/removed. For all these years I have suffered, fought acne, obesity, excessive hair growth on my face and lower stomach like a fool. A fool who didn’t know better.

Oddly for years I didn’t care that I didn’t get a period normally. In fact who really cares if you skip that monthly pain. But it was also a form of denial. No one would listen to me and I didn’t want kids so it took a backseat to a bad marriage. Truly and honestly that is wrong behavior but I did it.

It was Rick…Rick who changed things for me. He changed the way I saw myself. He saw me. He saw me for who I am and what I am. He didn’t care about the things I was suffering through. He didn’t care that I was sad, pathetic and fighting obesity, excessive hair, acne, bloating, backaches, headaches. He just wanted to be around me, with me. He changed the way I envisioned the rest of my life. And when that nurse said “PCOS” to me in the hospital I remembered it and researched it and when I sat online late one night I was amazed. I was no longer secretly crazy and had no need to remain in denial.

The last two years of my searching for good health have changed me. I now know that I’m not fat because I’m somehow stupid or bad. I don’t carry around razors because I did something wrong. I also don’t get pimples on my nose for no reason. I have PCOS. I have learned to consider my symptoms nuisances and part of my life. I have learned to be grateful that I don’t have any of the other life debilitating diseases that exist in this world.

I’m writing all of this and being honest about my reliance on razors, Pro-active and Excedrin (constant achiness due to constant PMS symptoms) because PCOS is very real and is very misunderstood and not talked about enough. I wish there was more education and wish there were public service announcements on TV about PCOS. I wish the doctor’s I had gone to in the 90’s had known what the hell it was and told me long ago. The damage I have done to my body by not being properly in the know is very sad to me.

But, I’m ok. I’m ok now. I know I’m as healthy as I can be. I know that I’ll probably end up having a hysterectomy in the next 5 to 6 years. And I also know that I can take Clomid and try for a miracle baby.

Additionally I want to say that vitamins alone might help some of the symptoms. I recommend Cinnamon (in pill form), a daily vitamin, Saw Palmetto and a few other things that I can’t recall right now. Mostly I would recommend education about what is wrong with you, a full acceptance that you are not a freak because your ovaries don’t operate properly and that none of the side affects of that are your fault.

And lastly I’m not fat because I can’t control what I eat. I’m fat because my body does not process ANY food like a normal body does. If I didn’t watch what I ate I’d weigh 600 lbs and be stuck in bed. I’ve had people contact me via my blog and tell me I was fat. Brilliant deduction. As if I didn’t know and needed someone to tell me. And to the co-worker who asked me if I was marrying a guy who was “fat like you”….nope…nope I wasn’t and didn’t. I married a guy that is healthy and full of muscles and love for me. I’m a lucky girl. My current happy marriage has helped me cope, deal, and work on my own health and my own needs.