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Today I called my landlord, whose name rhymes with Hal Spamfuck.  He’s a very nice older gentlemen who upon learning that we were trying to buy his own lawyer son’s $40,000 overpriced house (that I fell in love with) decided to raise our rent. Mr. Spamfuck is a nice guy.  Truly he is.  It’s unfortunate that his real name rhymes with Mr. Hal Spamfuck.  But it does.

 
The entire past year since Rick and I moved into the Spamfuck house we have had visions of ownership in our heads.  We thought this was “our” future house.  We truly bought into that notion big time.  I love the Spamfuck’s house and we have always loved it.  It’s nearly fucking perfect.  It’s the sort of house whereby nothing’s wrong with it.  There’s no oddball strange design flaw that makes you crazy.  It’s perfect.  Nice size well designed new kitchen, lovely hardwood floors, huge bedrooms, a huge driveway and it’s five minutes from my favorite bookstores! (please note the later is hugely important)  Rick and I moved into this house from (seriously) across the street.  We can see our old apartment complex out the front living room window.  There was a certain comfort to change without “holy fucking shit” change that makes you feel creepy until you settle in.  We were settled in on day one.  Nothing much about our path’s to work changed and we were content.

And then Mr. Hal Spamfuck’s grandson called and said, “How would you like to be homeowners for the same price?” and that started the ball rolling.  Grandson, who’s name rhymes with Skip did his best to shove us into his Uncles house.  I loved the house and the only thing I can say about it is it reminded me of the house on the cover of “The Little House” and it made me happy inside.  But alas the little house was expensive and alas I could not afford to finance it on my own, and alas..it was a “fuck it” moment with regards to having to fix Rick’s (whose name lovingly rhymes with Dick…lol) credit in order to make a home purchase in the market that was suitable for our budget  like it is now.  Meaning 4 years ago I could not dream of buying a house five minutes from the beach in sunny Florida.  Now that half the world has defaulted, foreclosed and fucked the economy, miraculously I can afford a home. 

Incidentally while trying to buy the Little House, Rick called Mr. Spamfuck to inquire about signing another years lease in the home we’re in.  Mr. Spamfuck informed Rick to discuss with me how much more per month we could pay because even though we were trying to be future shitters in his son’s house, he felt compelled at that moment to raise our rent?  Not so nice of Hal Spamfuck.  This royally pissed me off, because I’m Italian and my name rhymes with Bitchy.

So whilst talking to Dustin (whose name also rhymes with our broker’s real name) about financing, I finally broke down and said, “I love that house, but that house would become my nemesis when it came time to paying that insane mortgage!”  So Dustin hooked me up with a more suitable house being sold by someone not even remotely involved in our current home, etc.  I “LIKE” this house.  The house I am buying..well it is a “like”.  It is not a “love”.  It has no dishwasher, no hardwood floors, and no garage or storage shed.  But the $40,000 more for the “little house” was not worth these things when we can install hardwood floors, buy a shed and use our time to wash our own damned dishes.  (I vote for buying paper plates!)  Plus the house I loved, had a gross 1960’s black and yellow tiled bathroom and a rusty crusty bathtub. (ie remodel in the very near future!)

So, I’ve been talking about “closing dates” 5 % interest rates and the like at work.  It’s hard not to.  Everyone keeps asking me, ‘Are you excited?’

I’m oddly not.  I’m anxious to be past this precarious place of “gee I gave notice to the owners of the house I currently do my shitting in” and “what if something happens and closing is delayed or doesn’t happen and I have no place to shit?”  However, the house is fully remodeled with all new appliances and flooring and a cute front door.  I suppose part of it is that I am not madly in love.  I will need to move in and make it “ours” to fall madly in love.  I will need time to adjust to a tad bit of a smaller space, a non-existent garage and the grieving of perfect.  To put things into prospective, the house we currently live in is currently valued at a full $190,000 more than the one I’m purchasing.  However, it’s only minus about 130 square feet if you don’t count the missing garage.  To put it bluntly we could rent a much nicer house than I alone can afford to buy.  I’m also, of course, mildly concerned with home repairs.  I can no longer call Mr. Spamfuck if my fence is falling down due to high wind or the water hose on the refrigerator leaks.  I’m fucking on my own, Mr. Spamfuck why can’t you take care of my new house too?  Also, the house we’re in is valued at an insane price because it last sold when the market was hot and the prices were high.  The house is deemed the most valuable in a 5 block radius.  Can you say “fucking forget ever earning any Equity!!”?

Today Skip called me to inquire as to whether Rick and I would be interested in leasing to own the “Little House” that I still love.  This was an option I inquired about when the “love” was new and I could not let go.  I was “brushed off” and then told my current rent was to go up to an amount Rick and I agreed was fair.  Uh, who the hell says “hey honey less discuss how much more we should give to our landlord Spamfuck as a gift in kind?”

But today, for almost a full two seconds I pictured myself in that house happily puttering around on it’s beautiful hardwood floors and enjoying its cute country charm, until the realization set in that even in two years, even if we fixed Rick’s credit in that time (which could easily be done in less time) we would be taking yet another risk in hoping that the rent wasn’t increased etc.  And we’d be at the further mercy of Hal Spamfuck and grandson Skip and then throw in the other lawyer dude with the same Spamfuck name.  It was too much for me to engage in for too long.  My bets are that the “Little House” I fell in love with is going to be the little house of horrors that never sells because damn that hut it expensive.

Today Mr. Spamfuck said, “You guys have been great tenants, I have no complaints”

I swooned in the compliment and then realized I really wanted to say “really, then why’d you try so hard to raise the rent while we tried so hard to buy your son’s house?”

I didn’t.

I hate when I don’t say what I really want to say because I forget my name rhymes with Bitchy.

Might I add that Skip sent me to Dustin so that Dustin (his so called friend) could help me buy Skips Uncles house and Dustin sold me his investor friends house.  IE: Dustin screwed Skip with no lube.  And today when Skip called I had not yet given notice and so his offer was 10 days prior to my closing on his friend Dustin’s friend’s house.  IE: I cheated on Skip with Dustin and Skip sent me to Dustin so that Dustin could sell a house for Skip.

Get it?

No?

Who cares.

And whilst I joke, I felt horribly guilty today talking to both Mr. Hal Spamfuck and especially Skip becasue Skip helped us move into this house, and helped us find Dustin and essentially helped us buy a house, but he got the short end of the stick because it wasn’t his Uncles “little house” and therefore he never got paid for the last two months worth of work he did. Because he planted the idea, led me to his betrayer and is still trying to help us…and I cheated on him.  And in all of this mess, I really liked Skip best. 

So what have I been sitting on in the way of “information” or “revelation” for the past nearly 2 months?

We started the month of February and I was contacted by someone interested in selling me a house. He was the same great guy who helped us into the current house we live in. He had a house that belongs to the son of the owner of the house we live in. We, of course, fell in love with the house. Ok, let me speak for myself because Rick has been detached from most of this all along. He was of the belief that his credit was whack and it would never happen. I liked the house but quickly realized it was a tad overpriced, especially in today’s market. I fell in love with the house.

We sort of spun our wheels a bit with a few different people helping us, on the issue of Rick’s credit being is less than pretty and therefore impeding a normal home purchase. We were in the middle of a lease to own contract on our current dwelling and the realization over the past year came upon us that the house was overpriced because it was last sold during the high end of the housing market here in Florida. It’s the most expensive house in a 5 block radius and one would never accumulate any Equity in such a purchase.

And then the house we looked at was just too expensive with an owner unwilling to do much to persuade us to buy “his” house and oh heck I never said I wanted it, someone contacted me trying to offload it.

I was sent to a broker to discuss the first house.

While sitting in a mortgage broker’s office discussing how best to fix Rick’s lagging credit issue, (largely thanks in large part to his lack of medical insurance for years and the resulting medical bills!) the realization dawned on him that I should “just buy a house all on your own”. Meaning, Rick is not excluded from helping to pay the mortgage, however on the actual mortgage application he entirely left off. I was a tad bit taken back because I alone by no means make a huge amount of money. But then slowly the true realization that I have “gotten my life so straight it’s insanely awesome” dawned on me too. I have a great credit score and I have little to no debt. I will write out my last car payment this month on an insanely high interest rate financed vehicle and will graduate college in less than a year. I have about $950 worth of credit card debt, accumulated to gain good credit to replace the shitty “my not so lovely ex-husband messed me all up” score of my past. That’s it. I am pretty darn debt free.

I had expected to sign another lease for another year and revisit the actual “buying” issue at that time. I figured it would be best for me to graduate from college, gain more income and then think seriously about the house purchasing options. But in the “talking” and “thinking” process….my mortgage broker dissed my real estate guy and gave me the name of a business associate who buys houses and flips them and rents them etc. who was looking to sell a few houses. Within a few hours I had an address on a scrappy piece of paper and I was off to look at one of the guys houses. I walked in and knew. I knew it was by no means a dream house, but it would work and work nicely. I also knew that it had a big back yard with a fence, two bedrooms, one bath (sadly) and was in a nice neighborhood that I used to work in, therefore I was familiar with it already. I hounded Rick to go and look at it and while he walked around finding small faults I pointed out that it was “I” in fact that was purchasing a house and it was then “my” decision by and large and I liked the house. While a tad smaller than my dream house, everything is newly remodeled and there’s an awesome screened patio, something that’s a joy in Florida.

Happily this seems meant to be. And while I hesitate to disclose any information even as of yet, because we have not closed on this property, I was approved and I am now on the tail end of this high flying kite and I can’t contain things anymore.

I have faxed no less than 51 pages of documentation to the lender. I have signed no less than 13 pages of a contract that was accepted. I was approved on Tuesday and am now awaiting an official closing date. All spending is at an all time standstill of course while we await the final details, etc.

However, I just spent the last 48 hours dancing about and singing within myself a joy so big I cannot even begin to explain or contain it anymore.

I went from little girl blue trying hard to breathe through the worst days of my life and in the past 5 years (since 2003) doing nothing but the “right” things. Paying bills so on time that my account histories look like textbook finance keeping. I have been late on NOTHING. I have managed to save money (and so has Rick). I have purchased a car and paid it off. I have been a full time student and I have accomplished so much. And now, (all by myself!!!) I have purchased a home for my husband and I to rejoice in. The nicest part….we’re making little to no concession even without Rick’s income being rolled in. And I’m buying a house that sold for $40,000 more that I’m paying less than 2 years ago. Equity here we come!!! And for the record, Rick’s name is not on the mortgage, will be on the deed. He will also continue to write out the check’s for the monthly fee for mortgage just as he has for the rent…which also looks financially textbook perfect on the checking account history of transactions, always early, never late.

It feels so good I can’t even find the right words. Nothing quite measures up. We are slated to close in April around the 13th or something, we don’t have specifics yet. I also did not pay a realtor any commission and the seller is paying all closing costs.

It does not get better unless you win a house.

Our mortgage is slated to be $66 bucks less per month that our current lease to own payment and that’s a payment that includes all taxes and homeowners insurance.

2007 is basically over. While reviewing this year in my mind the only things that come to mind are the highlights.

The house, Infertility, College, Work

The year started off with Math, the end of Math.

The end of one position at work and the movement into another and then midyear yet another…two bosses this year and more to come in the next. Expansion is like that.

The year my son turned 15.

This year marked not as much blog writing as I ventured away from the computer as much as possible. Work and school require being stuck to a computer. I wanted life to be stuck in the living.

This is the year that I had every single girly part tested and scanned and looked at. Every single one. $38,000 worth of medical bills. Thank goodness for Health Insurance.

This is the year I got angry with my husband for his problems, yet this is also the year I realized that I love him despite his problems.

This is the year I learned that talking about, writing about or even speaking out loud of infertility makes infertility much more difficult to cope with, yet I have no regrets.

This is the year of two offices.

The year of Clomid.

The year of new spaces, new houses and new fenced yards.

The year of marked up calendars and counting days and planning sex.

This was the year of “extract” medicine and social fires.

Another year of writing papers, reading coursework and getting more A’s.

This year marked our second year of wedded togetherness

This year I didn’t blog as much. Nor did I feel obligated as much. Obligated to do anything simply out of obligation. I find that obligations lead to ill feelings.

This year I read a lot of Buddhism books. I also read a lot of self help books. I read and read and mostly read nonfiction and religion and psychology books. I entered the joyful electives in college and earned straight A’s in my core courses. I also gained a library and more space. I also gained a better outlook on life. I also started to have more faith in myself.

In 2008 I want to write more for fun. I want to write more from the gut about everything. I want to fear less what others might say to me about what I write and what I truly feel. I want to go back to not censoring myself because it’s healthier. I want simple things.]

My ABC’s of 2008

Authenticity – I want to be true to myself.

Artistic outlet – I want to write by hand, write poetry, type up my book to date

Books and Blogs – I want to continue to find time to “read”. Simply “read”. I want to continue to cut back on the blogs I read, reading only those that enrich me, empower me and make me learn something more.

Chloe – I want to hug her, kiss her, love her, keep her…forever.

Dawns, I want to watch the sun come up more often. Perhaps a few beach hours early in the morning.

Early morning breakfasts before work. I want to eat better.

Food, that is healthy.

Growth, I want to grow as a person and never forget how joyous learning is.

History, I want to let go of more emotional baggage this year.

Icing. I want to always remember to ice every cake, the best of anything without the icing is not the best that it can be.

Joking around. I love a good joke and want to find more of them this year.

Keith. I want to be closer to him this year. Teenage years suck!

Love. I want to give more away than I can possible gain for myself. I want to love without abandon.

Money. I want to save more, earn more, give more, and worry less.

Neverland. I want to remember my little girl side. I want to read more children’s books I loved as a child. I want to play more, dream more, make shapes out of clouds and let go of adult worries more often.

Open. I want to be open to new experiences, better relationships, deeper friendships.

PCOS. I want to conquer it. I want to rule it. I want to beat it.

Queen. I want to be the queen of my world every day. Imagining I have a crown and I can rule only my world.

Rick. I want to be closer, hug more, enjoy more, spend more time and do more without a heavy heart or fear or resentments.

Sex. More more more please. Happy joyful loving…

Time. I want more time to enjoy, more time to relax. More time to simply be.

Understanding. I want to find peace with my religious and spiritual path. I want to finally say “ah ha” and be one with it all.

Variety. I want to build new traditions and find a variety of ways to have fun. Fun, more fun please. Bubble baths and movie nights and more things together.

Without worrying. I want to explore without fear, do without worry and breath deeply instead of clenching my teeth with worry. Worry never mends a bridge, nor does it stop a flood. I want to build boats with my hope and paddle with my grief and make good use of the bad turning it into only good.

X. I want to truly 100% forgive my ex-husband. I say I have, I try to. I still get angry at him, against him, etc. I want to be able to tell him I’ve forgiven him once and for all.

Yoyo. I want to stop the yo yo dieting the yo yo changing. I want to accept that I will have to do certain things to have certain outcomes. I want to make small changes that equal bigger changes. I want to find peace in who I am while still being strong enough to change into something better. I want to stop going up and down in determining what it is that I truly want to be and just let it be. I just want to “be”.

Zealous. I want to be intense, passionate and enthusiastic about all the things I love to do in life. I want to adore, enjoy and be truly involved in the activities that I choose to take part of. I want to enjoy 100% of every single day.

I also have a few projects I want to work on this year.

1. Organize and publish a cookbook with my grandmother’s recipes in it
2. Find proper storage for my CD’s and catalog my collection
3. Put together that “Things that I love” poster/frame

Special thanks to Michelle, Kristyk, Siobhan, Jenniy, and Lori for being strong woman who have said the right things at imperative moments throughout 2007. You have made me a better me.

I finally gathered up the frames, the pictures…etc. and got the wall put together.

Yes I love candles.  And I’m here to tell ya that frames are rather expensive for not even coming with their own art.

Last night Rick stated, “I would get two jobs, one bigger better job, something…..I do not want to lose all of this.”

(said with a big gesture around our beautiful home)

I think all of this….it is all better than anything either of us has ever had or known.  I have much to be happy about.  I just want to be healthy to enjoy it all…..all of what I already have.  And nope…it’s not about a house…it’s about having a home, a place where you belong where you can’t wait to get home and be with the other half of your heart.

I truly need for nothing more.