shishnit.org

2007 is basically over. While reviewing this year in my mind the only things that come to mind are the highlights.

The house, Infertility, College, Work

The year started off with Math, the end of Math.

The end of one position at work and the movement into another and then midyear yet another…two bosses this year and more to come in the next. Expansion is like that.

The year my son turned 15.

This year marked not as much blog writing as I ventured away from the computer as much as possible. Work and school require being stuck to a computer. I wanted life to be stuck in the living.

This is the year that I had every single girly part tested and scanned and looked at. Every single one. $38,000 worth of medical bills. Thank goodness for Health Insurance.

This is the year I got angry with my husband for his problems, yet this is also the year I realized that I love him despite his problems.

This is the year I learned that talking about, writing about or even speaking out loud of infertility makes infertility much more difficult to cope with, yet I have no regrets.

This is the year of two offices.

The year of Clomid.

The year of new spaces, new houses and new fenced yards.

The year of marked up calendars and counting days and planning sex.

This was the year of “extract” medicine and social fires.

Another year of writing papers, reading coursework and getting more A’s.

This year marked our second year of wedded togetherness

This year I didn’t blog as much. Nor did I feel obligated as much. Obligated to do anything simply out of obligation. I find that obligations lead to ill feelings.

This year I read a lot of Buddhism books. I also read a lot of self help books. I read and read and mostly read nonfiction and religion and psychology books. I entered the joyful electives in college and earned straight A’s in my core courses. I also gained a library and more space. I also gained a better outlook on life. I also started to have more faith in myself.

In 2008 I want to write more for fun. I want to write more from the gut about everything. I want to fear less what others might say to me about what I write and what I truly feel. I want to go back to not censoring myself because it’s healthier. I want simple things.]

My ABC’s of 2008

Authenticity – I want to be true to myself.

Artistic outlet – I want to write by hand, write poetry, type up my book to date

Books and Blogs – I want to continue to find time to “read”. Simply “read”. I want to continue to cut back on the blogs I read, reading only those that enrich me, empower me and make me learn something more.

Chloe – I want to hug her, kiss her, love her, keep her…forever.

Dawns, I want to watch the sun come up more often. Perhaps a few beach hours early in the morning.

Early morning breakfasts before work. I want to eat better.

Food, that is healthy.

Growth, I want to grow as a person and never forget how joyous learning is.

History, I want to let go of more emotional baggage this year.

Icing. I want to always remember to ice every cake, the best of anything without the icing is not the best that it can be.

Joking around. I love a good joke and want to find more of them this year.

Keith. I want to be closer to him this year. Teenage years suck!

Love. I want to give more away than I can possible gain for myself. I want to love without abandon.

Money. I want to save more, earn more, give more, and worry less.

Neverland. I want to remember my little girl side. I want to read more children’s books I loved as a child. I want to play more, dream more, make shapes out of clouds and let go of adult worries more often.

Open. I want to be open to new experiences, better relationships, deeper friendships.

PCOS. I want to conquer it. I want to rule it. I want to beat it.

Queen. I want to be the queen of my world every day. Imagining I have a crown and I can rule only my world.

Rick. I want to be closer, hug more, enjoy more, spend more time and do more without a heavy heart or fear or resentments.

Sex. More more more please. Happy joyful loving…

Time. I want more time to enjoy, more time to relax. More time to simply be.

Understanding. I want to find peace with my religious and spiritual path. I want to finally say “ah ha” and be one with it all.

Variety. I want to build new traditions and find a variety of ways to have fun. Fun, more fun please. Bubble baths and movie nights and more things together.

Without worrying. I want to explore without fear, do without worry and breath deeply instead of clenching my teeth with worry. Worry never mends a bridge, nor does it stop a flood. I want to build boats with my hope and paddle with my grief and make good use of the bad turning it into only good.

X. I want to truly 100% forgive my ex-husband. I say I have, I try to. I still get angry at him, against him, etc. I want to be able to tell him I’ve forgiven him once and for all.

Yoyo. I want to stop the yo yo dieting the yo yo changing. I want to accept that I will have to do certain things to have certain outcomes. I want to make small changes that equal bigger changes. I want to find peace in who I am while still being strong enough to change into something better. I want to stop going up and down in determining what it is that I truly want to be and just let it be. I just want to “be”.

Zealous. I want to be intense, passionate and enthusiastic about all the things I love to do in life. I want to adore, enjoy and be truly involved in the activities that I choose to take part of. I want to enjoy 100% of every single day.

I also have a few projects I want to work on this year.

1. Organize and publish a cookbook with my grandmother’s recipes in it
2. Find proper storage for my CD’s and catalog my collection
3. Put together that “Things that I love” poster/frame

Special thanks to Michelle, Kristyk, Siobhan, Jenniy, and Lori for being strong woman who have said the right things at imperative moments throughout 2007. You have made me a better me.

I finally gathered up the frames, the pictures…etc. and got the wall put together.

Yes I love candles.  And I’m here to tell ya that frames are rather expensive for not even coming with their own art.

Last night Rick stated, “I would get two jobs, one bigger better job, something…..I do not want to lose all of this.”

(said with a big gesture around our beautiful home)

I think all of this….it is all better than anything either of us has ever had or known.  I have much to be happy about.  I just want to be healthy to enjoy it all…..all of what I already have.  And nope…it’s not about a house…it’s about having a home, a place where you belong where you can’t wait to get home and be with the other half of your heart.

I truly need for nothing more.

So the Interview went well.  This week is a crazy week at work.   I had to drive to Tampa this morning to go to the Interview.  Then back to work.  Since I arrived later than usual it was a crazy afternoon playing catch up.Tomorrow I have to go to training in Tampa again.  Yah I haven’t been to that location in nearly six months and then all of the sudden I have to be there two days in a row.  I’m picking up another co-worker as she doesn’t know her way and we’re stopping for coffee early on the way.  Should be a nice ride with company.  I have to take her back to the St Pete location and then drive to Westshore after that.  Craziness.  But good craziness. 

Then on Friday, my day off….I have to come into work for two hours for training.  I’m told they will pay me overtime for the those two hours, but who wants to go to work on their day off?  Not me!

So again, the interview went well.  The person I interviewed with is someone that’s worked here far far longer than I have, but she’s aware of my time here.  I was recommended for the job by two of her managers and therefore, that’s a good sign.  The job would be in my current location but be 9 a.m. to 6:15 p.m.  My commute would take a bit longer at those times of the day, however, not too too long.

I will hear something by Friday, or so I’m told.

It’s only Wednesday and I’m ready for a day off.  *sigh*

Everything else is good.  The house is great.  And I’m reminding myself to enjoy the now of it all.

Things we love about the house

1. the stove, it is hightech, Rick loves it..it has so many features it’s like cooking in a limo
2. the jacuzzi tub, it is relaxing and I love it (he loves it too…)
3. having a library…bliss…soo much bliss….
4. having a back yard for Chloe….we love it..she insists on us being present (spoiled dog)
5. ceiling fans, golly these are more wonderful than I ever imagined!!
6. silence in the neighborhood…priceless, every night I sleep like a baby
7. mailbox right outside the front door (you laugh…but try not having it that way for years!)
8. the wood floors, they simply make me smile inside and out
9. the driveway, always a place to park, no circling the lot!!
10. the light fixtures, I smile everytime I turn on a light
11. the refrigerator, she produces ice and water….ahhhh luxury
12. the glass block in the bathrooms, glorious to not need curtains and to have privacy but still see the mailman’s truck pulling up while in the shower
13. multiple closests….ok so I have one for my shirts, jackets, blouses, tops and shoes and one for my skirts, pants and more shoes…so what! It’s blissful too!
14. Having cable hookups in the bedrooms….triple bliss. I can’t wait for football season….as I won’t have to watch any of it.
15. Having the dining room table not covered with a computer and tons of other stuff.  Glorious.
16. Having a bed not full of stuff shoved underneath of it.
17. Having a garage for all your crapola…..this is priceless after being crammed into an apartment.

 There are only a few things I do not like about the house.  They are:
 

1. Having to look for my husband…where the heck is he?
2. Having to water the grass…this falls on Rick..but I feel bad for him.
3. Having to sit outside with Chloe so she goes potty….(spoiled dog!)
4. No place to put Chloes little red chair where she can see outside and sit in the sun too… (oh poor spoiled dog!)
5. The master bathroom is soo close to the bedroom Rick’s afraid of waking me up taking a shower in there in the mornings.
6. The walls are plaster and hard to hang anything on…as in very hard. This is good and bad.  They are lovely but a pain!! grrr…

So let’s see.  We love the house. Yes I am in love with this house.  A co-worker of mine told me that she owned her own home.  Her name was “Gloria”…the house that is.  Then she met a man, he owned a home and his house’s name was “Tabitha”.  They had both named their homes prior to meeting each other.  Year’s later they married and sold their individual homes and bought a collective home.  This home’s name?  Ms. Moneypants 

This conversation made me wonder if I were to name this home what would I name it?  I think our house is a girl too.  Maybe after reading this childhood book, The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton I can’t help but think of this house as being the house from this book.  I think our house’s name is Virginia.  We are virgin home dwellers…..it just all fits.  And I swear my house smiles like this.  I think she loves to live near the beach rather than the city….  I picture her smiling with sunglasses on. 

I went this morning for my transvaginal and pelvic sonnograms.  I got the same technician I had that last time. I really liked him then.  He talks to you the entire time and makes you feel comfortable.  I really liked him. He told me that he’s not going to be doing trans-vag’s anymore because women want male female doctor’s.  Say what?  IS that true?  I have a male OB/GYN.  I could care less if they’re male or female…I want smart!!  He gave me his name and information and told me I can requet that test be done there and by him in the future and they will still schedule it.  Nice.  That was very nice of him to tell me because I’m comfortable with him.  AND NO he’s not hott.  He’s just professional and courteous and good at his job.  He remembered my health issues and asked if I had my right ovary removed yet.  He knew I had a dermoid cyst when I was there but he’s not allowed to comment or diagnose.  That must be hard on them.  To know something’s wrong but have no say in the matter.

Last weeks uterus suction test came back negative as well.  That’s a good thing. As in negative for anything cancerous or precancerous etc.  I have to call my MALE OB/GYN for an appointment and see where we go from here.

We are mostly moved into the house.  I am sitting in the office/library.  Yup, Internet already.  Cable too.  They’re fast.  I had a bath earlier.  Ahhh nice hot bath in the jacuzzi.  It felt great after such a long day of moving and sweating and medical tests.  We still have a lot of straightening out to do but that will come with time.  I can’t believe how many clothes and shoes I have.  They all take up two average size closets.  I still have room but jeesh I need to clean out some.

We slept here last night and I never woke up all night.  It’s so entirely quiet here.  Nice.  It feels good to be away from all the crazy neighbors and noise and apartment maintenance issues.  I’m enjoying it.  Life is good.