shishnit.org

I usually get nothing when I ask for something so perhaps I’ll get something if I ask for nothing.  It appears to me that those reviewers know what they are talking about.

Dear Macy’s….this is just so bad.  No one should wear this giddyup…least of all as a dress..and certainly not if you are plus sized.  And I’m thinking that for $47.40 I really want an ENTIRE dress.  But hey call it what it is.  “Apple Bottoms Whore dress, with hood to cover ashamed face.  Wear backwards for maximum slutiness!”

My girlfriend Theresa and I were talking about how her ex-husband hasn’t had a new gf since they split up.  She said there’s a reason…because his personal ad would read like this:

I like to watch TV.  I enjoy sitcoms, movies and watching the daily news.  I can answer any question about TV shows or movies.   I would like a woman with her own house and a large screen HD TV.  We can watch TV together, as long as I hold the remote.  I don’t like mowing the grass, taking out the trash, washing dishes or anything that doesn’t involve watching TV.  I have a stable job, I ensure I keep it by doing just enough to not get fired each day.   I rent a nice duplex.  My neighbor has a nice cat that will greet you on my doorstep.  If you like to cook, I like to eat.  I like to be clean, I take 3, 30 minute long, showers a day and change into new clothes after each shower.  I like a new fresh towel each day too, so I hope that you enjoy doing laundry.  I love the smell of air freshener and I use it to the point of choking most people but, if you are like me, you will love the smell of cinnamon apples mixed with flowers, mountain fresh scent and coconut as you can never get enough air freshener.  It also covers up my nasty farts as I tend to like beans and they don’t like me.  I love to pick my nose and flick it onto the carpet so vacuuming is probably a good thing.  If you like all of these things, then I am your man. 

My ex-husbands personal ad…because I had to be a smart ass and write one.

I am attractive and charming. In fact most of your friends will wish that I were there’s.  Tell them not to despair, I am not a one woman man.  But if you are beautiful, and have a large bank account I can do my best to be faithful for at least 5 years, after that there are no guarantees. But those five years will be our best years together, so don’t discount the beauty of time with me. 

I enjoy spending my time starting new businesses and have had several successful one’s…go down the drain.  I enjoy being the CEO of my own life and love to steal control from anyone that will allow me.  This is a good thing because I will steal you lovely gifts on all the right occasions. I will write you poetry on napkins at the most expensive restaurants but the credit card will be declined when I go to pay, pleae bring cash.  I will enjoy test driving vehicles with you and informing you of how wonderful it will be one day (next year..because that’s our year baby) to have a nice sports car.  I will dress nicely and I do do housework, but mostly when your friends are visiting so they admire me and want me later when you’re out working to pay our bills.  Looking the business man is part of being the successful business man so I always wear a nice suit, but I do not always have electricity in my house.  I am a business man first and foremost though.  You know, the kind with business cards to hand out.  That’s me baby.

I love to cook, but I love simple meals.  Kraft macaroni and cheese and a slice of ham, now that’s what I call a luxury meal. I do clean up after myself but only in departments that have nothing to do with finances. (I will clean the neighbors driveway, but that’s so she looks out at me from inside.) I do not like bean counters and I refuse to count my own.  Let’s live for today. I will make you feel special at any cost…so long as it doesn’t require real money.  I am short, light and handsome.  Ask the neighbors, they’ll all agree!

My part time hobby is writing fairy tales for adults, I’m very good at this and spend every non-working moment doing this, so please be looking for a happily ever after.  I’m your prince charming, call me today.  1-800-LetMeMakeYouThinkYouNeedMe.  God Bless.

And writing it made me laugh.  A lot.  I have to laugh or the entire mess would still be breaking my heart sometimes.  I shared with my friend Theresa telling her I was laughing while writing it and she wrote back:

“I’ll bet you were cracking up while writing it, lol.   I’ll also bet that the mule isn’t laughing so much this week.  Her smug face as she looked at you and put her arms around Barry and thought (yeah, I got your man), isn’t so smug now, lol.   Yeah, she got him and she can have him.  Barry is like dog poop, once you step in it, it is hard to get it off of your shoe and even after you rub it in the grass and spray it off with the hose, it still stinks and you can’t bring your shoes in the house.  Yes, Leigh, enjoy the smell of success.

I just bought a lovely locket, it says “to Leigh, the woman I will love forever.”   The guy in the pawn shop gave me a great deal. 

And shoot me….for laughing. It’s funny now. Who’s laughing now?  My life…is sooo good….her’s is sooo not.  Yes I’m laughing and yes it may be juvenile..but I deserve laughter. I’m always conflicted…laughing at my ex-husband’s bad karma come back to kick his ass….it means I’m a bad mom somehow to me…but honestly….there’s still a side of me that laughs. And now that Keith is 17….trust me Keith gets who and what he is more than I can ever explain it to him.

I went to the mall this weekend with Keith. I’m not a big mall supporter or shopper. I do go to the bookstore all the time, that’s attached to the mall but I really only venture into the mall when I get my hair cut as my glorious hairdresser works in there. 

Keith and I went into a few clothing stores.  I felt like I had gone into a time machine and came back out in 1986.  I swear.  The things that the younger crowd thinks are cool and new and hip…hmmm not so much. I picked up a pair of jesus sandles…ya know the ones, with the zipper up the back and all the strips of leather like Jesus surely wore back in the day and told Keith, “I had these in the ninth grade, they were ugly then but everyone had them so I had them too!’  Yah I know they’re called Gothic sandals, I refer to them as “horrific then  horrific now sandals”.  Incidentally get ready for the ugliest plaid shirts you’ve ever seen in your life.  Mork called Mindy and even she told him not to wear that shit…but all the Morks of the world are not going to listen. I even saw fingerless mittens in Target.  Fingerless mittens might make sense in Florida but come the hell on, who ever wears any mittens in Florida?

We saw belts that looked and worked like seat belts…I swear I had one of those too.  And the neon, and the tapered jeans.  Oh my!  1986!!  And today I got an ad from a online retailer advertising “leggings”.  I tried on a pair of pants that were made from an uber cute material at Lane Bryant…they were tapered. SO GROSS.  I whipped them off my body so fast and was almost grateful because they were $60.  C’mon….that’s insane for one pair of moderately nicely made pants. 

OH and according to LB somehow I now wear a Petite in length?  I’m 5′5.5 and I’ve never been petite in anything in my life.  And stretch pants….come the hell on, who liked those the last time?  And how about some high waist pants so we can all look fat, if they make Jessica Simpson look fat..c’mon.  What is with the clothing trends of late? Even I could wear the low waisted pants with a normal shirt and not have a muffin top…but high waist..why not acentuate the worst of the worst….no one who shops in LB can wear high waisted pants!!

At Target my son showed me some moccasins.  Moccasins!!  And this is COOL according to him.  I have finally hit the road of “OLD” and I’m trudging along in my own lane because damn those things were ugly.  And damn I’ll probably end up buying a pair someday. FOR HIM NOT ME!!!

Today I thought surely there has to be something cute and new I can buy for fall…so I’ll check online. And look at what I saw.

these…would you spend $68 on these beaut’s?  C’mon and big girls are supposed to wear this?  Pahhleez…!!!!  68 dollar stretchy pants worn close to your chubby legs, thighs and ass?  Tuck in your shirt and wear a pair of ugly ass boots that don’t match too.  Your wide fat knee will look fantastic peeking out over the top of these fugly ass boots.  They should call these pants “Cottage Cheese enhancers from our BIG ASS BIG PRICE Collection” and at least be honest.  Curve enhancing my ass!  “Curd enhancing” is the truth.

Add to wish list?  Check NOT.  I swear that tomorrow I’m going to see someone in leg warmers with those jesus sandals and a big ugly seat belt under her tucked in bright plaid shirt.  I’ll be sure to take a photo.