shishnit.org

Mostly I haven’t been writing because it doesn’t feel right.  And the things I want to go on and on about involve other people that I love and respect.  Go figure.  This is new for me.  Meaning, I’ve never opted not to be a blabber mouth for someone else’s sake.

I will vent and say that being on fertility drugs sucks.  It’s trying, emotional and mentally.  However, I am about to take the next Clomid pills tomorrow.  Pill(S) now because they’ve doubled the dosage.  Loverly.  More of what ails ya to help ya fix what is wrong with ya.  I do have a different mindset this go around but it’s impossible for me to put it into words right now.

I’ve been reading like a madwoman.  Sometimes I amaze myself at my speediness when reading. I can read an entire novel in a few hours.

I got a B+ in my Business Law class…I was happy with that because I wasn’t feeling the class because I clashed with the teacher.  She was plain not a nice person.  It happens.  However, I did learn alot in the class.  I’m currently taking the course that should be the last course for me but I’m taking it now.  Which is odd.  Very odd.

Oh…it’s time for me to leave now….

I still haven’t bought a paper journal.  That is on my list of things to do over the 3 day weekend.  I have been mulling over whether I should be true to myself and write what I want to write here or just write it on paper.  Either way I’ve been too busy to even buy the journal.  Go figure.

I’ve been talking to “him” about my stress level the last two weeks.  Yes “he” and I are still friends much to Rick’s chagrin.  He now has a vitamin store (brick and mortar) and an online version in the works.  He asked me to call his employee John about my infertility etc.  John was a jerk in my opinion.  He told me that I needed to take a Yoga course and do meditation and relax.

Ok ok so I know that relaxation and a lack of stress is helpful when trying to conceive.  Let me get that out there.  But, PCOS is incurable and this guy tried to tell me different.  Vitamin C will cure it according to him.  Vitamin C, Super Cortisol and some DHEA formula along with something called NutraGrape and lecithin.  Now let me say, I’m a believer that vitamins and supplements are a good thing.  I always have been.  However, I also do not believe that they will make a baby happen.  I think it’s a combination.  This gentlemen also stated, “some couples are not in a place of balance that will allow a baby to come into their lives.”

This is the point at which I wanted to hang up.  I didn’t because of “him”. Him is my friend but this John guy is a jerk.

We are in our second cycle. I am currently on mense wait.  I’m ok though.  This is the easy part of the cycle.  This is the part where I take pills that have NO side affects that are nasty and this is the point where I take a hot bath every night and relax and remain calm.  It’s the nice part of the process.

I am trying to find ways to hopefully remain calm while taking the next round of Clomid which is doubled from last month.  I have no dillusions…I am just trying to find ways to relieve the pressure and stress.  However, the side affects of Clomid are worse than the word “awful” can describe.

I’m done with the horrible Business Law course and don’t have a grade yet.  I’m now taking what is meant to be the “last” course in my program.  So this course is easy peasy and I’m loving it. I’m done with my 2^nd week assignments and the first week isn’t even over yet.  Go me.   I am loving the sense of having a break without actually taking time off of school.  Some people recently asked me how much longer I have. However, I need 120 credits for my degree program, which is the Bachelor of Science in Management.  I am at 72 credits.  I am more than halfway there.  Which is a great feeling.  Every course I take is five weeks.  So I have 48 credits left and 48 times 5 is ….me graduating in March of 2009.  Sounds like a far way away, but it’s really not.  2007 is nearly over.  I’m also exploring CLEP testing and I’m down to electives and may double up a few times to get done sooner.

Also..Nokia doesn’t make cameras…I was thinking of Nikon.  I suppose I was whacked out when I wrote that last week.

Having a child and not wanting it is still worse than wanting a child and not having it. 

I really haven’t wanted to write.  The past month has been trying, difficult etc.  Being on Clomid is not fun.  Of course just like actually having a baby after it’s over you breath a sigh of relief and tell yourself that it wasn’t that bad.  But in all reality just like labor and delivery it is that bad.  I haven’t vented a lot of what’s been happening here.  And that’s been unfortunate.  However, my mindset hasn’t been normal and I forbid myself from saying and documenting the horrible things I was feeling towards all those around me.

I wrote an email a few days ago intending to send it to one person and inadvertently it got sent to someone else in Rick’s family.  My words were cruel and frustrated and they came in the midst of a meltdown.  His family member did not take my words well at all.  I can’t say I would have.  I apologized but somewhere in my gut it’s bothering me.  Bothering me that my words went to the wrong source that is.  Gah…  Also bothering me that those that should not judge ….always do.

Work has been insanely busy and I haven’t had a vacation all year.  The stress I feel at work is not even work related as much as it is my personal duty to do a good job at work.

Class has been nutso too.  My current teacher is atilla the hun.  I like the class and it’s challenging and I’m learning a lot but dang she’s a nightmare.  I even considered dropping the course, but that was the hormones talking I’m sure.  Because I carried on.

I went to the doctor this morning.  They did a pregnancy test.  I will have the results tomorrow afternoon.  I don’t feel pregnant and I think if the test comes back positive I will pinch myself for 9 months to make sure I’m awake and still alive.  I’m not nervous about it.  I have accepted that what will be will be.

Rick and I have pretty much decided that this is difficult….this drug makes you looney and it interupts your entire well being and balance in life.  We have decided to go on to do two more rounds and then if we are not successful we are going to call it quits on the trying for a baby.  I think our chances will decrease anyway and they aren’t good now.  We’re trying for a miracle and the results are really not up to us. 

Oddly I feel better knowing that I won’t be hammering away at my body mentally and physically for a long long period of time.  I feel a certain acceptance and even a near sigh of relief.  I want to have a baby with Rick….but wanting is not always enough.  I am trying…we will continue…but we have our limits…as do I alone.

I am going to write about this next topic because I have to get it out and off my chest.  My nephew Matthew is nearly 4 months old and STILL does not have a crib.  His parents bought a new car that is costing them over $500 a month due to bad credit ratings and yet they still have not purchased a crib for him.  He is sleeping in bed with them.  I know that many people choose to co-sleep.  That is not the issue with them.  They have not chosen to make it a priority for him to have a crib. 

It is difficult to view what I see as bad parenting by those around me when I am currently being denied a child.  It’s all mental crap and I realize that my mental crap elevates how angry these types of things make me….and so what.  In the end it truly enrages me that my nephew does not have a crib.  On top of that he does not have a swing, a bouncy chair…a NOTHING.  The kid has clothes….food…diapers.  Nothing else.  It is hard for me to understand why and how some people do not make their children’s best interests important to them.  I hate it.  HATE it.  And yes…HATE in capital letters. Incidentally Matthew….is adorably cute.

Clomid is hard on a marriage….and that is part of the reason why we have come to our own decisions.  My doctor feels fine about things to date.  I went in and everything looks fine.  Again…waiting for pg test results tomorrow afternoon.

Bite your nails with me……

I’m coming back to normal today.  It’s been quite a while since the last Clomid pill and I think it might be safe to speak to me again.  It’s been miserable.  Miserable in emotionally trying ways.  I got to the point a few nights that if I were my husband I would have tied me up and placed me in a closet farthest away from the master bedroom.  He didn’t.  We suffered seperately and yet together and in the midst of it I knew it was horrible. I wanted away from myself.  Hormonal hell.  PMS times ten.  It was bad.  Truly and utterly and anyone that says different musta not took all those damned tiny devil pills.

Somehow in spite of it all I managed to survive, keep working….but I have managed to do little else.  Including call back my own son.  When I find msyelf avoiding all human contact I know that it is “bad”.  I have been depressive,  manic, insanely busy at work with a true inabilty to concentrate beyond about a half hr at a clip.  Ugly statements have spewed out of my mouth like snakes slithering out from under a rock.  Ugly and slithering and just …things that should stay under rocks.

I have uttered things like ‘I hate you!’, ‘I wish I was dead right now!’ ‘I hate myself!’ ‘I hate this’ ‘I don’t want to have a baby!’

All untruthes…save for that hating myself thing.  I truly did hate the way I felt, the way I sounded, etc.  It was ugly.

I am now ok and I am beginning to feel like myself again.  Time to go to the doctor and see what’s up.  It’s like Kristy’s Adventures in Infertilityland only there’s no cute bunny damn it.  And scheduled sex…..yah that shit sucks!!! I mean the sex never sucks…..but putting it on a calendar…that’s a pure mindfuck if ever there was one.

And because I like to try to find something good….no matter what….some of the symptoms I hate the most about PCOS feel like they are diminishing.  Perhaps the heat in this hell is hotter than the heat of PCOS hell and therefore I cannot see the burns anymore.

I refuse to pee on sticks and make myself even more insane.  So I’m waiting to go to the doc…to see…and besides I can’t wait for a period to be late because…..PCOS=no periods.  I’m calling Dr. OB/GYN tomorrow for an appointment and a blood test.  And…god forbid a higher dosage of Clo-fucking hell ass-mid.

p.s. if you’re my wonderful existing kid…..sorry…Mom’s been a little f’n weirded out and whacked out of her mind with dizziness in the eyes….and yah….it was so ugly I could not share.  Sorry bud.