I really haven’t wanted to write. The past month has been trying, difficult etc. Being on Clomid is not fun. Of course just like actually having a baby after it’s over you breath a sigh of relief and tell yourself that it wasn’t that bad. But in all reality just like labor and delivery it is that bad. I haven’t vented a lot of what’s been happening here. And that’s been unfortunate. However, my mindset hasn’t been normal and I forbid myself from saying and documenting the horrible things I was feeling towards all those around me.
I wrote an email a few days ago intending to send it to one person and inadvertently it got sent to someone else in Rick’s family. My words were cruel and frustrated and they came in the midst of a meltdown. His family member did not take my words well at all. I can’t say I would have. I apologized but somewhere in my gut it’s bothering me. Bothering me that my words went to the wrong source that is. Gah… Also bothering me that those that should not judge ….always do.
Work has been insanely busy and I haven’t had a vacation all year. The stress I feel at work is not even work related as much as it is my personal duty to do a good job at work.
Class has been nutso too. My current teacher is atilla the hun. I like the class and it’s challenging and I’m learning a lot but dang she’s a nightmare. I even considered dropping the course, but that was the hormones talking I’m sure. Because I carried on.
I went to the doctor this morning. They did a pregnancy test. I will have the results tomorrow afternoon. I don’t feel pregnant and I think if the test comes back positive I will pinch myself for 9 months to make sure I’m awake and still alive. I’m not nervous about it. I have accepted that what will be will be.
Rick and I have pretty much decided that this is difficult….this drug makes you looney and it interupts your entire well being and balance in life. We have decided to go on to do two more rounds and then if we are not successful we are going to call it quits on the trying for a baby. I think our chances will decrease anyway and they aren’t good now. We’re trying for a miracle and the results are really not up to us.Â
Oddly I feel better knowing that I won’t be hammering away at my body mentally and physically for a long long period of time. I feel a certain acceptance and even a near sigh of relief. I want to have a baby with Rick….but wanting is not always enough. I am trying…we will continue…but we have our limits…as do I alone.
I am going to write about this next topic because I have to get it out and off my chest. My nephew Matthew is nearly 4 months old and STILL does not have a crib. His parents bought a new car that is costing them over $500 a month due to bad credit ratings and yet they still have not purchased a crib for him. He is sleeping in bed with them. I know that many people choose to co-sleep. That is not the issue with them. They have not chosen to make it a priority for him to have a crib.Â
It is difficult to view what I see as bad parenting by those around me when I am currently being denied a child. It’s all mental crap and I realize that my mental crap elevates how angry these types of things make me….and so what. In the end it truly enrages me that my nephew does not have a crib. On top of that he does not have a swing, a bouncy chair…a NOTHING. The kid has clothes….food…diapers. Nothing else. It is hard for me to understand why and how some people do not make their children’s best interests important to them. I hate it. HATE it. And yes…HATE in capital letters. Incidentally Matthew….is adorably cute.
Clomid is hard on a marriage….and that is part of the reason why we have come to our own decisions. My doctor feels fine about things to date. I went in and everything looks fine. Again…waiting for pg test results tomorrow afternoon.
Bite your nails with me……