shishnit.org

So much I rarely blog about.  But it has recently come to my attention that the ex-husband’s wife’s BMW was repossessed.

I emailed this information to my sister.

“Just found out last night from Keith that (the ex)’s wife’s BMW they bought 3 years ago was repossessed about 3 weeks ago.  He now gets up (the ex not Keith) at 4 a.m. to drive her into work and make it to work herself.  Can you imagine their drives into work?”

I usually do not gloat about these things and in fact there is a part of me that has always wished that he would get his shit together and be a better person. I always hold out hope that this time (when things seem on an upswing…) he will do okay.  I did it the entire 12 years we were married.  I have been doing it since we got divorced.  When he bought his house I crossed my invisible fingers that he’d manage to hang onto it.  Why?  Because it’s the best thing for my son.  It’s always been that way.  I want my son to have a father he can be proud of, etc.

I’ve spoken to my son all along about my feelings about the things his father chooses to do, and yet I have tried so hard not to be that parent in a divorce situation that badmouths their ex.  I try hard to walk the tightrope of being fair.  There are a few things I know for sure.

My ex-husband loves his son a lot.  My ex-husband has a lot of problems that have nothing to do with who or what is around him.  My ex-husband is precisely what my sister pegged him to be in her reply….

Awwww….poor guy.  Yeah right – he gets what he deserves.  Why can’t he just work a regular job and pay his bills like everyone else has to?!!!  He has a pipe dream of being someone important and wealthy.   

 
My ex-husband is a sociopath.  He has problems.  Problems that don’t excuse his bad choices nor do those problems make it any easier for those that choose to care for him. My son loves his father but he’s reaching an age whereby he sees things from a different perspective too.  My ex and I do not see eye to eye regarding religion, race, sexual preferences, political beliefs, etc.  We are two totally different people.  Sometimes now it’s impossible for me to remember why I ever wanted to be with him.  I blame it on youth. Because now that I know who I am and I understand who he is, it makes me draw a blank as to how or why we ever ended up together.  He doesn’t want to work for someone else, its above him to take on a part time job to get his finances straightened out.  He makes bad choices financially and otherwise (I mean look who he married….another person with no goals, aspirations etc beyond being a home wrecker).

The worse part is that my ex had to come clean and admit something about this BMW that disappeared and the impact it has on their day to day life.  He told Keith that they did in fact repossess it and that he has enough money in the bank to pay the car off but doesn’t feel the car is worth it so they will not be getting it back.

Who convinces themselves that this is the truth?  Only he can….my ex that is.  The sad part is that when I think about his wife….I laugh.  She so wanted my life and she’s getting it in large doses.

Last night after I ended my conversation with my son, who is brilliant and amazing and all things good, I went for a walk with Rick to take Chloe out before bed.  I started to talk about how frustrating sociopathic behavior is and how much it used to affect my outlook on life.  And how sad the entire thing is because despite all the pain he caused me in the past I wish he would get it straight and live life like a normal person because truly that’s what my son deserves.  I try to take all of this and make it all a life lesson for my son.  To learn what NOT to do because he sees the consequences his father is paying.  Going to bed at 8 p.m. to get up at 4 a.m. because you bought a car you never really could afford and now you’ve managed to lose it to repossession.  Lest we not forget their house was just in foreclosure, it appears they did a re-org loan on that and so it’s hard to say how long that band-aid will last either.

It’s all a mess.  One that many tell me not to think about or concern myself with.  But wait….wait people..you don’t get it.  The one person I love more than life itself…is affected by these things.  And that is my son….our son.  The little boy we brought into this world…and as long as I’m in this world I will concern myself with all that affects my child.

I hope that he is as strong as I interpret him to be.  I hope that he gets it the way he seems to.  I hope that he knows that his father has problems that are not entirely of his own doing.  Sociopath’s have mental illnesses.  I have never uttered these words because to be quite honest….that mental illness made me mentally ill for years.

Last night walking with Rick aching for what my son is seeing….aching for all the years that sociopathic behavior tortured me and made me depressed…suicidal and angst ridden….I realized….

I am calm.  I am peaceful.  My life is rewarding.  I have met goals.  I have purchased a house. I have clean credit.  I have a car no one will ever take away and so does Rick.  I have Chloe and I have love.

But I still don’t have my biggest wish…..  Sure I laugh at him…sure I think she deserves it and perhaps he does to…but honestly I wish I could make him better…but I gave up on that idea when he ended our marriage.  These are all things for her to worry about now….and yet I love my son.

It’s like some choices you make in life will haunt you to some degree for the rest of your life.

I said all of these things would come to pass.  When he and his wife were living the high life going on cruises…I told Keith to have fun…that it wouldn’t last.  I told Rick that I had to get my degree because he would never sustain things long enough…he being the ex.  I told everyone that I had a plan because I could see the writing on the wall.  They all nodded, but no one ever got it.  I took the time when all the juggling balls were in the air to put myself in a better situation to help my son…because when the circus tent was up and the show was going full blast I knew there would be a fire one day to burn it all down…..sociopaths have patterns…they never weave a different rug.  My ex’s world is one that I lived in for years, so while everyone smiled and his stupid bitch wife acted smug about her new car…I nodded and smiled…I even sang along to the circus music.  I knew the big top would come down one day…

I’m grateful to the universe that my son truly talks to me, that my husband loves me and that I have so much to be joyful about despite this one thing that makes me so sad sometimes I can’t hold it all in….  I’m grateful that I stuck to my guns and dismissed all the torturous commentary from those that never attended the circus with me.  I’m proud of myself and so glad I listened to my own heart.  I’m proud of my son and I’m glad he chooses to listen to his own heart too…that is the thing that I am proudest of in the end.

And it’s sad, so sad,

There ain’t no easy way round.

And it’s sad, so sad,

All you friends gather round

‘Cause the circus left town.

-Eric Clapton

It wasn’t that long ago was it?  And yet…this is enough to make me cry.

Keith age 12

And now….so grown up…but same sweet face. 

I hate mommy blogs whereby the mother complains about being a stay at home mom, complains about her whiney bratty children and utterly has no gratitude for anything in her life.  Hate them. I could provide a list, but I’m sure everyone’s read one or two or three thousand of these ranting bitches blog’s. Yes, attack me, I don’t care.  I’m sick of them.

My mother used to listen to “My Sharona” by the Knack full blast on the radio when it came on.  Meaning this was before cassette tapes and CD’s even.  She had an 8-track player in her car when I was a young child.  This is the only song that reminds me of my mother and wouldn’t you know it, I hear the damn thing all the time.  I never speak about how much the chosen absence of my mother (her choice) affects me.  Mostly because I have learned to move through the world without a mother, but it doesn’t mean it is easy.  It can be lonely and heart wrenching.  She turned 60 this year.  It’s been 17 years.  In two more years I will have lived as much of my life without a mother as I did with one.

Rick’s brother Randy wants to quit his job. Ok I don’t think he wants to but his gf wants him too so he can stay home and watch Matthew all day.  She has to do some sort of nursing training and they have never put Matthew with a daycare or a babysitter and low and behold that would cost money so Randy is considering quitting his job. I have one thing to say….MISTAKE.  His gf is STILL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD married to someone else.  Therefore she can’t put Randy on her health insurance, etc.  And if she ever decides to up and leave him like she left the last one, he’s f’d.

My son came to me about 9 months ago and told me he thinks he is bisexual.  I think its highly possible that he’s simply just gay. I also could care less what he decides his sexual preference is.  My ex-husband is a Jesus Convenient and refuses to believe this is possible, because his lame ass considers homosexuality a sin.  Fool.  Have I mentioned lately how much I hate him?

I snore.  At night if it wakes Rick up, he will often wake up and act like a fool about how I am somehow doing this on purpose and that I can control my nasal passages and their behavior while I’m sleeping. This pisses me off because Rick also snores, but when his snoring bothers me, I remove myself from the bedroom and let him sleep.  I resent that I quietly do this but he doesn’t.  

I got asked out today by a cute guy.  A guy that I see often but don’t pay any mind to because I’m happily married, a guy that I only know in passing because he’s the delivery boy that brings my lunch occasionally when I order out from his place of business. I would venture to guess that he’s about 26 years old.  Considering my age, this is a nice compliment.  He had no clue, thought I was his age.  

In the last few months my ex-husband has a. had his house in foreclosure (it appears he may have restructured his loan for the time being), b. pled guilty to writing a rubber check for over 4k. (has to pay it back with fines and costs) and c. lost his drivers license (public records doesn’t say why but I think it might be because he hasn’t paid on the aforementioned restitution on time, etc.  I haven’t talked about any of it because while it concerns me, I’ve tried to move away from it as much as possible.  

A few days ago I drove down the street that I used to own a house on, the house that was foreclosed on due to the ex-husband’s lying and cheating ways.  I noticed that the next door neighbor’s house looked entirely different.  The previous next whore neighbors house that is.  And it had a for sale sign in front.  The next day I hunted down the house on realtor.com to learn that her ex-husband remodeled the entire house and now lives in a much nicer house with his new woman.  I hope he makes a killing on that remodel job because he deserves it.  And yes, maybe I’m crazy because I still always wish the best for that man. We were both equally wronged by our spouses, and the best revenge is to live a better life than theirs.

After being in college since Jan of 2005 I find it nearly impossible to write without fixing sentences etc.  It’s taken some of the blog writing and poetry writing thunder out of my storm.

I bought a house, we bought a house. (Technically I did it…but technically it’s our house) and we both still have savings.  And that my friend’s is sweet.

List of things I want to do to the house.

1. put a door in to access the outside patio without walking around the entire left side of the house
2. Paint all the rooms
3. Have a party
4. Organize
5. Hang up art, candles, pictures, etc.
6. Buy patio furniture
7. Organize 2^nd bedroom
8. find professional kitchen type shelves for kitchen (help!)

I am taking a film class after I finish Astronomy and Mythology.  Nice.  I can’t wait.  Something creative. I also got a flat screen TV for my birthday from Rick, it’s going in the bedroom.  

Well there you have it, if I have talked about any of these things before I don’t recall. 

Busy busy busy…or at least mentally I am.  I am taking two courses right now and am in information overload.  The house is getting there, Rick is doing fine.  Spent Mother’s Day with the kid and had a great time shopping and buying shoes and clothes and books.  All perfect and good things for Mother’s Day, including a card he wrote in that made me tear up.  Love that kid.

Fave song of the moment….

It’s the fortune in your hand
It’s the spotlight where you stand
It’s the answer you don’t know
It’s the space left when you go

Don’t know what you want
Don’t know what you want
But I know what you need
Don’t know what you want
Don’t know what you want

It’s the traffic in your head
It’s the cold side of your bed
It’s the place where you belong
It’s the words to your favorite song

I know what you need
I know what you need
To believe

- Shane Nicholson