shishnit.org

“If you live in Salt Lake City, Utah, Buffalo, N.Y., or Rochester, N.Y., your ride to work is probably the smoothest of any big city in the country. Residents of Tampa, Fla., Detroit, Mich. and Atlanta, Ga., on the other hand, endure the most grueling slog to work” via msn

Why do you think I was soo excited to hear about the funding for a new high speed rail system in Tampa.  I get lost everytime I drive across the bridge and leave St Pete.  The minute I hit Tampa it’s hell.  I have a college degree yet I’m direction dyslexic.  I get lost and call Rick all the time. 

Reason 654,3321,123 I pick Rick….because he gets me un-lost without getting irritated.

Mostly, I just feel scared. Inadequate. Ill-prepared. Weak.  All the things I thought I left behind years ago.

I want to talk about it but then again I don’t.  I can’t quite figure it out.  My weekend was rather uneventful, however Keith did call and then midway through the conversation he handed the phone off to his girlfriend.  I know I was the one once on the receiving end of the “hand-off phone” when this very child’s father had to talk to his mother and handed the phone off to me.  Lovely how history repeats itself but only in the worst of ways.  Lovely how I’m on the receiving end of the phone call but I end up not talking to my own child at all.  The grandma was supposed to call me, I think maybe she did but she didn’t leave a message.  She lives somewhere in Sebring.  Oh heck..why not bail out there kid…that’s only 101.13 miles and 1 hour 59 minutes away from anyone that you know or might consider still calling family.  Ahhh but I have no clue…because he says that he “loves her”.  “I love her Mom”.  *sigh*

Life goes on.  It seems as if it shouldn’t or couldn’t or at the very least an emotional earthquake would cause something to come to a screeching hault but that is not how life goes.  Life keeps moving.  The sun keeps coming up.  The sun keeps going down.  The lung’s keep working even when the heart is broken.

Far be it for me to win the lottery and then have that history repeat itself, eh?

So much I want to say and yet there is that wall, invisible and complicated all at once.  A wall that says “no you can’t..how can you write this to make sense, so that people understand?  Why do you care if they understand?  Do you have regrets? No, I think that I did the best I could with what I had, I made choices so I could…..

Oh wait…that would be to blog about it.  7 years ago I made choices.  Hard ones.  For years I told myself they were right.  Now I’m wavering.  Now everything that I anticipated hasn’t happened, things that the best fiction writer couldn’t write are happening.

“I’m falling to pieces” over and over again on “Break Even – The Script” over and over “when a heart breaks, it don’t break even”.

On one hand I’m accepting, the other side tells me that some choices make a person’s life so harsh…so much harder.  On the other hand I strongly believe we all are given a life to lead and live the best way we see fit.  “Just pray to a god I don’t believe in”.  I’ve caught myself this week wanting to pray.  Pray to a God I long ago walked away from.

I got a book in the mail from Nie…simply holding it makes me feel better.  I can’t concentrate on the words, I can’t pick apart who I am anymore. I can’t quite grasp things. I’m having nightmares…what will happen in ten years, 15….20…..it’s mind boggling.  And yet I still succeeded on some levels…to get precisely what I wanted.  I got what I wanted.  But the price ..i didn’t pay…someone else is paying?  Or are they?

I’m so confused…so exasperated.  I need a manual.  Instead, I rub the cover of a book I have never opened.  Where do any of us belong? Where do we find the answers that are right for ourselves, without making choices for other people.  Aren’t other people supposed to have their own say.

My mother wanted to make me someone she wanted.  I didn’t want that.  She bailed.  I broke into a million pieces.  I want to scream that none of this is right…because it’s not right for me.  But if it’s right for someone else…and love is unconditional…isn’t it acceptance that is necessary here.  Ok ok I accept..but it doesn’t heal the fracture.  I see everything that could be..it’s hard to let go for that and let someone be what they most want.

I swore I’d never be judgemental and now that’s the beast I am fighting against the most.

Either way…love…it’s so big..so big I can’t wrangle it..so big that I can’t hold it in…so BIG it’s hard to comprehend.

“Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart”….how is it that iTunes is echoing my thoughts.  Good ole Will Hogue.

Part of me wants to grasp a tshirt and throw a fit and scream and yell…the other part just wants to know if I failed.   Another part just is glad I haven’t lost everything again.

If you accept someone as is…does that mean you condone what is?  Does that mean you love without judgment?  Does it mean you gave up and don’t care?

The thing I fear about openly blogging, JUDGEMENT ugly JUDGEMENT I was run over like a train by JUDGEMENT for years…is the same thing that I myself and trying to hold off like holding off a Monster with the blunt edge of a butter knife.  Sometimes I lose, other times the sheer desire to fend it off keeps it at bay…but it’s a fucking constant struggle.

I wake up with heartache, I go to sleep next to fear and have nightmares clutching hope.  Love is a bitch.  A whore who sometimes steals your peace.  Most often blindsides you with anxiety. Never fails to surprise you and rarely gives without taking.

This has singlehandedly been one of the worst weeks of my life and it’s only Tuesday.  I am overextended at work, feeling overwhelmend, wanting to do more but having no idea how to fit it all in.  I’m tired of being a college student and wish I didn’t have a big paper looming before me.  I have a broken heart this week and I can’t blog about it….maybe someday when it doesn’t hurt so much.  Everyone seems to be fine…the world is not ending, I’m just hurting inside.